Have you ever seen a heart at the moment it breaks?
I have.
On Friday morning, I saw twenty-five little seventh grade hearts break simultaneously. I stood in their classroom and watched their faces as our principal delivered the news that their beloved teacher had passed away the night before. Every teacher with a first-hour class had the wrenching task of delivering this news.
Some kids started to cry right away.
Some hid their faces in their coats and sweatshirts, or put their heads down on their desks.
Some had questions but couldn't make the words come out.
Some were simply blank. Blank faces, blank eyes, blank minds.
I don't even know what Jon said after that because, quite frankly, I wasn't listening anymore. Most of it was lost in that horrible halting voice that happens when you're trying to keep it together. I was still one of the blank ones, and I had already had an hour to begin digesting the news - Abbey Czarniecki, one of our science teachers for 7th and 8th grade, died very suddenly late on Thursday night because of an undiagnosed malignant brain tumor. I'm fuzzy on the details, and at this point I don't want to ask. Let's just say that this was never in anyone's realm of possibility.
The starkest moment of our new reality came between first and second hours, when the kids were moving from one class to another. The silence was terrifying. Anyone who has spent any amount of time in a middle school will know just how loud students can get. Screaming, screeching, slamming, yelling, cackling, and crashing are routine sounds. On Friday, few were talking. Few were laughing. Few were looking somewhere other than at the ground or at the person ahead of them. It was so out of the ordinary as to be deeply upsetting.
-----
As a school counselor intern at Wyoming Junior HS this year, I find myself in a unique position. I am only required to log 20-25 hours per week at the school in order to keep up with the total number of hours I have to complete by the end of the year. However, I've been working more or less full-time since the school year started. At first, I told people that it was because I wanted to get the full effect of working full-time as a counselor and to get ahead on hours in case I got really sick and missed a week or something.
But you know what? I'm beginning to think that there was a different reason for me to be there every day.
I am part of the Wyoming community this year. I am a fairly permanent fixture in the counseling office. The kids see me every day and know what I do there and they know where to find me if they need me. They know that I keep regular hours and that I can be depended upon to be available for them.
If I had put in only the minimum number of hours each work and chosen to work another part-time job, I wouldn't have nearly the understanding and love for this community that I have now.
I wouldn't know which teachers have been most torn apart by Abbey's death.
I wouldn't know which students have been hit hardest by their first close-up experience with death.
I wouldn't understand the effect of losing a colleague with whom you have worked for a decade and a half, as many of the WJHS staff are experiencing this weekend.
I wouldn't know which students were her basketball players, kids who have lost a coach in addition to a teacher.
Most of all, I wouldn't be tapped in so deeply to the communal grief taking place this weekend.
My individual grief is shallow - I didn't know Abbey beyond her roles as science teacher and coach. This weekend, other little tidbits have surfaced, isolated memories I have of Abbey, like the time she asked if I could switch a student out of her 3rd hour because he was driving her bonkers in exchange for a student that was driving another teacher bonkers. Or the time when I was first introduced to her and she told me that I had a picked a wacky place to work but I would come to love it in no time. (She was right, by the way).
These are small, almost inconsequential memories, and they are what I have.
For me, the communal grief is far more painful, like the moments when you have to see other people in pain. It's really hard to watch co-workers grieve, especially the ones I've had the most contact with and know better than I know others. It's really hard to watch them struck by a memory or a feeling or an image, something that only they can see, and then watch them try to keep their composure.
It's nearly impossible to watch my students grieve because I don't want them to have to know this feeling so early in their lives. They are not equipped yet to handle conflicting emotions - sadness over never seeing her again, fear that it could happen to anyone else, relief that she didn't suffer for very long, guilt about not saying hi to her in the hallway the day before, or about not feeling sad the way everyone else seems to be feeling, happiness over a particularly good memory of her class, shock and dizziness every time the grief train comes hurtling back...
School tomorrow will be hard. The funeral on Tuesday will be even harder. It feels like too much sometimes. No, a lot of the time. But I wouldn't dare stay home. This is the kind of grief you have to do together.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
Op-Ed: Why I Can't Completely Get Behind the #PrayforParis Movement
As you probably know by now, a series of explosions, shootings, hostage situations, and general mayhem occurred in Paris last Friday. Authorities have identified 129 deaths, and some 500 more with injuries. ISIS took responsibility for this coordinated effort amidst the chaos and confusion of rescue and President Hollande's declaration of a state of emergency. On social media, #prayforparis began to trend, Facebook users put a red/white/blue tint in the style of the French flag on their profile pictures to reflect their support, and hundreds of thousands of statements of prayer and solidarity erupted across many social media platforms.
You can probably guess that in the wake of ISIS's proud claim of responsibility, people got really upset and began to decry Islam as a religion of violence and terrorism. I even saw some Facebook posts pleading with God to guide the bombs dropped by France over ISIS training compounds, praying that they would hit their targets and wipe out all the Muslims.
Really?!
Are we really asking God to destroy an entire population (a population which numbers about 1.6 billion, by the way) based on the actions of one political extremist group? Are we really asking God to wipe out 1.6 billion human beings who He created in His image and has plans for? How is our blatant hatred of Muslims any better than ISIS's blatant hatred for the Western world?
Here are a few reasons that I can't fully support this #prayforparis movement.
1. Paris was not the only city devastated on November 13, 2015.
The western coast of Japan was rocked by a 7.0 earthquake.
Mexico had also been suffering earthquakes, registering about 4.3 and continuing for several days.
A suicide bomber in Baghdad targeted a funeral, killing 21 people and injuring 46 more.
Two suicide bombers in Lebanon killed 43 people and injured about 200 more. Exact numbers are not yet known because of the chaos in that area.
A suicide bomber belonging to ISIS killed 43 people in Beirut, Lebanon, and the number of injured is still unknown.
Some people caught on to this parade of devastation, sparking the hashtags #prayformexico, #prayforbeirut, etc., but the warcry against Islam was much louder. National landmarks across the world were lit with red, white, and blue lights to show support for France. Did anyone light up with colors for Japan, Mexico, Lebanon, or Iraq? If they have, it hasn't been publicized, which is a shame in itself.
I simply can't get on board with a campaign that supports so publicly one set of victims and remains silent on victims around the world. ISIS carries out acts of terror daily in the Middle East. Thousands have been killed by ISIS since the group first rose to power. Thousands. Why are we not outraged by that? Why are we not sending money and aid to their families? Why are we not coordinating efforts through social media to spread the word about safe places to stay and be taken care of? Why are we accepting only refugees who are skilled and educated (and, it needs to be said, wealthy) to our country?
Don't get me wrong. I am disgusted by ISIS's actions in Paris. I think we need to be more disgusted by what they're doing elsewhere on a much more regular basis.
2. There is implicit hatred for Muslims that hides behind innocent hashtags.
Let me reiterate: not everyone who uses #prayforparis also spouts islamophobic vitriol. I would argue that most don't outright hate Muslims, either. We have here a classic example of a few people ruining the whole batch, so to speak. We become lumped with the haters. The problem is that not enough of us are combating the anti-Islam rhetoric. Many of us stay silent, which is not the same thing as setting the record straight. I want to set the record straight:
The religion of Islam as a whole is not responsible for this past weekend's attacks in Paris, Beirut, Lebanon, and Baghdad.
In another example of "some ruining it for everyone," 1.6 billion Muslims are being painted as terrorists by the media, social media, and, I hate to say it, some Christians, all because of the actions of a political group styling itself as Islamic. Many people refuse to see the difference between Muslims and ISIS. Is it any wonder, when you consider the United States' history with the Middle East? Back in 2001, President Bush blamed the 9/11 acts of terrorism on Muslims, when, once again, preliminary evidence pointed to religious and political extremists. The terms "Arab" and "Middle-Eastern" became synonymous with "Muslim." The term "Muslim" became synonymous with "terrorist." Men and women who looked even remotely Middle-Eastern were rounded up en masse under suspicion of terrorist affiliation. The President says it was for national security, but let's be honest - detaining people based on their appearance and/or religion, holding them without criminal charges, denying their rights to legal representation, and playing fast and loose with their human rights? What does that sound like to you?
I saw a post on Facebook this morning that stated it really well - "If we can distinguish between Westboro Baptist Church, the KKK, and the average American Christian, we should have no trouble distinguishing between ISIS and the average Muslim." It's the same concept, folks.
3. We only seem to care when it affects people who are like us.
That's a rather simplistic way of stating it, but it goes back to the point I made about us not being outraged about ISIS targeting Muslims. ISIS activity only seems to become international news when it involves people who are white, or share a similar culture to ours, or practice a similar religion to ours, or share the same values as ours. Case in point - Paris attacks become international news shortly after they happen, but the bombings in Beirut that began two days earlier go unpublicized. Two people from the United States were killed in the Paris bombings, and the story goes viral. No United Statesians killed in Beirut; therefore, no outrage.
Why is this? I think the media is partly to blame, since they are of course going to cover the stories that will cause the biggest splash and make the most money for them. They know that lots of people have visited Paris (or at least really want to visit), and that most people don't know where Beirut is. Confession: I had to Google it. Learned Beirut is a city in Lebanon. I'd heard of Beirut before, but couldn't have told you where it was. The media plays on that. Paris is far more relatable to the average United Statesian, so Paris gets the coverage.
We can't blame it all on the media, though. We must shoulder this blame too. We have to figure out how to advocate for people who don't share our beliefs, culture, or value. We have to learn to recognize stereotypes and actively combat them. We have to learn to differentiate; to not take the actions and beliefs of an individual and apply them to the entire group. We have to stop promoting violence against our enemies in one breath and in the next breath condemning those who take violence against us. Violence is violence is violence, regardless of in whose name the violence is committed.
If we want the world to follow our example, we have to set a better example.
You can probably guess that in the wake of ISIS's proud claim of responsibility, people got really upset and began to decry Islam as a religion of violence and terrorism. I even saw some Facebook posts pleading with God to guide the bombs dropped by France over ISIS training compounds, praying that they would hit their targets and wipe out all the Muslims.
Really?!
Are we really asking God to destroy an entire population (a population which numbers about 1.6 billion, by the way) based on the actions of one political extremist group? Are we really asking God to wipe out 1.6 billion human beings who He created in His image and has plans for? How is our blatant hatred of Muslims any better than ISIS's blatant hatred for the Western world?
Here are a few reasons that I can't fully support this #prayforparis movement.
1. Paris was not the only city devastated on November 13, 2015.
The western coast of Japan was rocked by a 7.0 earthquake.
Mexico had also been suffering earthquakes, registering about 4.3 and continuing for several days.
A suicide bomber in Baghdad targeted a funeral, killing 21 people and injuring 46 more.
Two suicide bombers in Lebanon killed 43 people and injured about 200 more. Exact numbers are not yet known because of the chaos in that area.
A suicide bomber belonging to ISIS killed 43 people in Beirut, Lebanon, and the number of injured is still unknown.
Some people caught on to this parade of devastation, sparking the hashtags #prayformexico, #prayforbeirut, etc., but the warcry against Islam was much louder. National landmarks across the world were lit with red, white, and blue lights to show support for France. Did anyone light up with colors for Japan, Mexico, Lebanon, or Iraq? If they have, it hasn't been publicized, which is a shame in itself.
I simply can't get on board with a campaign that supports so publicly one set of victims and remains silent on victims around the world. ISIS carries out acts of terror daily in the Middle East. Thousands have been killed by ISIS since the group first rose to power. Thousands. Why are we not outraged by that? Why are we not sending money and aid to their families? Why are we not coordinating efforts through social media to spread the word about safe places to stay and be taken care of? Why are we accepting only refugees who are skilled and educated (and, it needs to be said, wealthy) to our country?
Don't get me wrong. I am disgusted by ISIS's actions in Paris. I think we need to be more disgusted by what they're doing elsewhere on a much more regular basis.
2. There is implicit hatred for Muslims that hides behind innocent hashtags.
Let me reiterate: not everyone who uses #prayforparis also spouts islamophobic vitriol. I would argue that most don't outright hate Muslims, either. We have here a classic example of a few people ruining the whole batch, so to speak. We become lumped with the haters. The problem is that not enough of us are combating the anti-Islam rhetoric. Many of us stay silent, which is not the same thing as setting the record straight. I want to set the record straight:
The religion of Islam as a whole is not responsible for this past weekend's attacks in Paris, Beirut, Lebanon, and Baghdad.
In another example of "some ruining it for everyone," 1.6 billion Muslims are being painted as terrorists by the media, social media, and, I hate to say it, some Christians, all because of the actions of a political group styling itself as Islamic. Many people refuse to see the difference between Muslims and ISIS. Is it any wonder, when you consider the United States' history with the Middle East? Back in 2001, President Bush blamed the 9/11 acts of terrorism on Muslims, when, once again, preliminary evidence pointed to religious and political extremists. The terms "Arab" and "Middle-Eastern" became synonymous with "Muslim." The term "Muslim" became synonymous with "terrorist." Men and women who looked even remotely Middle-Eastern were rounded up en masse under suspicion of terrorist affiliation. The President says it was for national security, but let's be honest - detaining people based on their appearance and/or religion, holding them without criminal charges, denying their rights to legal representation, and playing fast and loose with their human rights? What does that sound like to you?
I saw a post on Facebook this morning that stated it really well - "If we can distinguish between Westboro Baptist Church, the KKK, and the average American Christian, we should have no trouble distinguishing between ISIS and the average Muslim." It's the same concept, folks.
3. We only seem to care when it affects people who are like us.
That's a rather simplistic way of stating it, but it goes back to the point I made about us not being outraged about ISIS targeting Muslims. ISIS activity only seems to become international news when it involves people who are white, or share a similar culture to ours, or practice a similar religion to ours, or share the same values as ours. Case in point - Paris attacks become international news shortly after they happen, but the bombings in Beirut that began two days earlier go unpublicized. Two people from the United States were killed in the Paris bombings, and the story goes viral. No United Statesians killed in Beirut; therefore, no outrage.
Why is this? I think the media is partly to blame, since they are of course going to cover the stories that will cause the biggest splash and make the most money for them. They know that lots of people have visited Paris (or at least really want to visit), and that most people don't know where Beirut is. Confession: I had to Google it. Learned Beirut is a city in Lebanon. I'd heard of Beirut before, but couldn't have told you where it was. The media plays on that. Paris is far more relatable to the average United Statesian, so Paris gets the coverage.
We can't blame it all on the media, though. We must shoulder this blame too. We have to figure out how to advocate for people who don't share our beliefs, culture, or value. We have to learn to recognize stereotypes and actively combat them. We have to learn to differentiate; to not take the actions and beliefs of an individual and apply them to the entire group. We have to stop promoting violence against our enemies in one breath and in the next breath condemning those who take violence against us. Violence is violence is violence, regardless of in whose name the violence is committed.
If we want the world to follow our example, we have to set a better example.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
In Which I (possibly) Become a Guinea Pig
Hello, friends.
About a week ago, I was at the Christian Counseling Center for my weekly session with Sherry. Next to a stack of magazines, there was a new notice:
"Pine Rest is sponsoring a clinical research study for clients who have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and who have not experienced relief through medication or therapy. Research is now being conducted to examine the efficacy and safety of Sirukumab, which is also being studied as a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. If you have any questions or have interest in participating in this study, please call our research coordinator at (phone number)."
(That's the gist of what the notice said. It was a lot longer and had a lot more description and screening information. I would have wasted both my time and yours in retyping all of it.)
I mulled that study description over in my head for a week. What I should have done was asked Sherry about it right away at our session, since I had just read it and it piqued my interest. I had always thought that my diagnosis was more along the lines of Persistent Despressive Disorder instead of MDD, though, so it didn't cross my mind to ask her about the study.
Over the weekend, I kept thinking about it and I did some of my own research. What was Sirukumab? Where else was this study being conducted? Is this drug approved and safe and legit? Could I maybe get paid if I qualify to participate? Would I have to stop going to therapy? Thank goodness this sort of activity is all federally regulated and monitored, so there is an entire .gov website devoted to clinical trials happening in the US. I'll get into what the study is all about in just a little bit.
During the following week, I corresponded with the research coordinator at Pine Rest to tell her that I was interested and to ask for some more information to see if I qualify. I opted to do some pre-screening questions over the phone, but we couldn't get a solid half-hour on the phone til Friday because I had parent-teacher conferences and professional development during the second half of the week. Plus, I wanted to bring it up to Sherry before making any appointments. On Thursday, I had counseling again, so I got some more information and signed a consent form to be contacted about participation (just in case, I think, since I had already been in contact with the coordinator).
Then on Friday, after PD and some lengthy conversations with parents, I was able to get on the horn with Pine Rest for the pre-screening. She asked me a bunch of questions about my health, my age, my depression symptoms, comorbid conditions (i.e., my anxiety), and logistics of participating for the full six months the study would require (i.e., could I come to Pine Rest's main campus for appointments, could I take off of work if needed to accommodate appointments that might last up to five hours, would I be living in the area for the next six months, etc.). After answering all of her questions, she told me that as of right now, I seem to be a great candidate for this study. The only concern is whether my depression is "severe" enough. Anyone reading this who has depression will understand why I put that in quotation marks - one's experience of depression (and its severity) will fluctuate from day to day or season to season. In my case, the question is whether I am currently in a "major depressive episode." As in, is my depression worse right now than my baseline depression? Honestly, I couldn't begin to tell you, since what on earth is my baseline for depression? It's not "no depression symptoms present," since I haven't experienced that since I was 18. And if history is any indicator, my "major depressive episodes" tend to coincide with fall and winter, which means that I may be (and definitely probably am) heading into one right now. Plus, how are we gauging my symptoms? Symptoms with antidepressants + therapy? Symptoms with antidepressants without therapy? Symptoms with neither? It's too hard to evaluate myself on those terms since I've taken meds nonstop for four years and gone to therapy every week for three years.
Do you see why it takes so long for new treatments to hit the market?
Anyway, I will go to the study clinic on Thursday morning for official screening and, if all goes well, the initial contact session. Here's what the study entails, and some Research Methods 101 for those of you who are not familiar with how this sort of thing works:
- Participants will receive either an injection of Sirukumab, the treatment under investigation, or an injection of placebo (so that the doctors can determine if there is any clear benefit experienced by the people getting the Sirukumab). The participants won't know which injection they get, and neither will the study doctors, so that the results will be as free as possible from bias and unconscious interpretation. In studying a condition like depression, this is extra extra super extra important, as reporting of symptoms is entirely subjective - there's no blood test or exam to determine if my "level of depression" has gone down. If I think I'm getting the Sirukumab, I may unconsciously skew my reporting of symptoms by describing them as less severe than they may actually be. In other words, I may want so badly for this drug to work that I try to prove to myself and the clinicians that it is working. I'm hoping that my background understanding of research and my long-term experience of depression will help me to evaluate my symptoms accurately.
- Participants will get bloodwork done on a regular basis to see if the Sirukumab is having an effect on the thing they want it to have an effect on. From what I understand, Sirukumab works like an anti-inflammatory drug - something is signalling the body's immune (?) system to have a certain response, indicated by inflammation. And we're talking inflammation on a cellular level, not like inflammation of the lips or ankles. If only it were that visible. Introducing an anti-inflammatory tells the system to cool it, stop inflaming, nothing to see here. Sirukumab was first developed as a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis, which is all about inflammation, but research conducted recently claims to show a link between inflammation markers in the blood and experience of symptoms of depression. That is, the more "severe" the depression, the more likely it is that the person also has high levels of these markers. This study is meant to explore this link and see if an anti-inflammatory that is specifically designed to cooperate with antidepressants (many AIs are not) will lessen the severity of depression symptoms. Antidepressants have no effect on inflammation, so a positive outcome from this study could revolutionize the treatment of long-term depression (like I have) that doesn't go away with just antidepressants.
- Participants get three injections over 12 weeks, with appointments in between the injections as well, and then there are 5 or 6 appointments over 14 weeks after the set of injections is completed. This is probably to gauge response to the injection over time. To compensate for all the driving and time spent in the clinic, participants get a $50 Meijer card for every appointment completed. Lucky for me, I live in the Grand Rapids area and Pine Rest is not that far away from me. BLAMMO.
I really really really really hope that they will select me to participate in this. It's fascinating to me. While I have (more or less) come to terms with the idea that my depression may be a lifelong struggle, I still hold my candle of hope that new discoveries will be made that lessen the symptoms and severity of depression. This sounds like it could do that, since it's an entirely different direction for research of depression treatment. I honestly don't even care if I get the placebo. I just want to be a part of something like this. I want to put my depression to work for me, instead of working against me, like it seems to do a lot of the time. If it works and becomes a thing, I think it would be so cool to be able to say down the line, "hey, I was part of the clinical trials for that drug!"
This is going to sound like a very bizarre request, but would you all pray that my depression meets the criteria for "severity"? Odd, I know, to pray that a disease is bad enough instead of praying for it to get better. I just hope that I can convey to the interviewer that mine is the depression they are looking for - it may not prevent me from going to work or class or getting things done, but it is still with me every single day, in spite of meds and therapy. In fact, I think it would be a LOT worse without therapy. Maybe they can use my description of how I felt before starting therapy. Compared to now, that was pretty severe.
Hopefully, I will be able to tell you all on Thursday afternoon that I was accepted to the study! Until then, more middle school drama and joys of adolescence. I'll have to write about that sometime. That could keep me busy writing for weeks.
About a week ago, I was at the Christian Counseling Center for my weekly session with Sherry. Next to a stack of magazines, there was a new notice:
"Pine Rest is sponsoring a clinical research study for clients who have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and who have not experienced relief through medication or therapy. Research is now being conducted to examine the efficacy and safety of Sirukumab, which is also being studied as a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. If you have any questions or have interest in participating in this study, please call our research coordinator at (phone number)."
(That's the gist of what the notice said. It was a lot longer and had a lot more description and screening information. I would have wasted both my time and yours in retyping all of it.)
I mulled that study description over in my head for a week. What I should have done was asked Sherry about it right away at our session, since I had just read it and it piqued my interest. I had always thought that my diagnosis was more along the lines of Persistent Despressive Disorder instead of MDD, though, so it didn't cross my mind to ask her about the study.
Over the weekend, I kept thinking about it and I did some of my own research. What was Sirukumab? Where else was this study being conducted? Is this drug approved and safe and legit? Could I maybe get paid if I qualify to participate? Would I have to stop going to therapy? Thank goodness this sort of activity is all federally regulated and monitored, so there is an entire .gov website devoted to clinical trials happening in the US. I'll get into what the study is all about in just a little bit.
During the following week, I corresponded with the research coordinator at Pine Rest to tell her that I was interested and to ask for some more information to see if I qualify. I opted to do some pre-screening questions over the phone, but we couldn't get a solid half-hour on the phone til Friday because I had parent-teacher conferences and professional development during the second half of the week. Plus, I wanted to bring it up to Sherry before making any appointments. On Thursday, I had counseling again, so I got some more information and signed a consent form to be contacted about participation (just in case, I think, since I had already been in contact with the coordinator).
Then on Friday, after PD and some lengthy conversations with parents, I was able to get on the horn with Pine Rest for the pre-screening. She asked me a bunch of questions about my health, my age, my depression symptoms, comorbid conditions (i.e., my anxiety), and logistics of participating for the full six months the study would require (i.e., could I come to Pine Rest's main campus for appointments, could I take off of work if needed to accommodate appointments that might last up to five hours, would I be living in the area for the next six months, etc.). After answering all of her questions, she told me that as of right now, I seem to be a great candidate for this study. The only concern is whether my depression is "severe" enough. Anyone reading this who has depression will understand why I put that in quotation marks - one's experience of depression (and its severity) will fluctuate from day to day or season to season. In my case, the question is whether I am currently in a "major depressive episode." As in, is my depression worse right now than my baseline depression? Honestly, I couldn't begin to tell you, since what on earth is my baseline for depression? It's not "no depression symptoms present," since I haven't experienced that since I was 18. And if history is any indicator, my "major depressive episodes" tend to coincide with fall and winter, which means that I may be (and definitely probably am) heading into one right now. Plus, how are we gauging my symptoms? Symptoms with antidepressants + therapy? Symptoms with antidepressants without therapy? Symptoms with neither? It's too hard to evaluate myself on those terms since I've taken meds nonstop for four years and gone to therapy every week for three years.
Do you see why it takes so long for new treatments to hit the market?
Anyway, I will go to the study clinic on Thursday morning for official screening and, if all goes well, the initial contact session. Here's what the study entails, and some Research Methods 101 for those of you who are not familiar with how this sort of thing works:
- Participants will receive either an injection of Sirukumab, the treatment under investigation, or an injection of placebo (so that the doctors can determine if there is any clear benefit experienced by the people getting the Sirukumab). The participants won't know which injection they get, and neither will the study doctors, so that the results will be as free as possible from bias and unconscious interpretation. In studying a condition like depression, this is extra extra super extra important, as reporting of symptoms is entirely subjective - there's no blood test or exam to determine if my "level of depression" has gone down. If I think I'm getting the Sirukumab, I may unconsciously skew my reporting of symptoms by describing them as less severe than they may actually be. In other words, I may want so badly for this drug to work that I try to prove to myself and the clinicians that it is working. I'm hoping that my background understanding of research and my long-term experience of depression will help me to evaluate my symptoms accurately.
- Participants will get bloodwork done on a regular basis to see if the Sirukumab is having an effect on the thing they want it to have an effect on. From what I understand, Sirukumab works like an anti-inflammatory drug - something is signalling the body's immune (?) system to have a certain response, indicated by inflammation. And we're talking inflammation on a cellular level, not like inflammation of the lips or ankles. If only it were that visible. Introducing an anti-inflammatory tells the system to cool it, stop inflaming, nothing to see here. Sirukumab was first developed as a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis, which is all about inflammation, but research conducted recently claims to show a link between inflammation markers in the blood and experience of symptoms of depression. That is, the more "severe" the depression, the more likely it is that the person also has high levels of these markers. This study is meant to explore this link and see if an anti-inflammatory that is specifically designed to cooperate with antidepressants (many AIs are not) will lessen the severity of depression symptoms. Antidepressants have no effect on inflammation, so a positive outcome from this study could revolutionize the treatment of long-term depression (like I have) that doesn't go away with just antidepressants.
- Participants get three injections over 12 weeks, with appointments in between the injections as well, and then there are 5 or 6 appointments over 14 weeks after the set of injections is completed. This is probably to gauge response to the injection over time. To compensate for all the driving and time spent in the clinic, participants get a $50 Meijer card for every appointment completed. Lucky for me, I live in the Grand Rapids area and Pine Rest is not that far away from me. BLAMMO.
I really really really really hope that they will select me to participate in this. It's fascinating to me. While I have (more or less) come to terms with the idea that my depression may be a lifelong struggle, I still hold my candle of hope that new discoveries will be made that lessen the symptoms and severity of depression. This sounds like it could do that, since it's an entirely different direction for research of depression treatment. I honestly don't even care if I get the placebo. I just want to be a part of something like this. I want to put my depression to work for me, instead of working against me, like it seems to do a lot of the time. If it works and becomes a thing, I think it would be so cool to be able to say down the line, "hey, I was part of the clinical trials for that drug!"
This is going to sound like a very bizarre request, but would you all pray that my depression meets the criteria for "severity"? Odd, I know, to pray that a disease is bad enough instead of praying for it to get better. I just hope that I can convey to the interviewer that mine is the depression they are looking for - it may not prevent me from going to work or class or getting things done, but it is still with me every single day, in spite of meds and therapy. In fact, I think it would be a LOT worse without therapy. Maybe they can use my description of how I felt before starting therapy. Compared to now, that was pretty severe.
Hopefully, I will be able to tell you all on Thursday afternoon that I was accepted to the study! Until then, more middle school drama and joys of adolescence. I'll have to write about that sometime. That could keep me busy writing for weeks.
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