Calculating

I confess: I am a very analytical, logical, calculating person.

I try to calculate everything.
How long it will take me to travel to a destination based on method of transportation.
How to do a homework assignment in the most efficient way possible.
How much food and/or calories I can get away with eating in a given day.
How to express myself in another language with perfect grammar (challenging) and without offending anyone.
How much time I can waste on the weekends while still leaving enough time to finish homework.
How to get what I want with the smallest amount of imposition on others.
How to get what I want with the least social interaction possible (for example: trying to find out information on a company's website instead of taking 2 minutes to call an employee and ask my question).
How to make people happy.
How to make myself happy.

Some of things are okay to calculate. A few are even very necessary in my life. Others...not so much. I really need to work on not calculating on the one about avoiding social interaction. It frustrates my mom to no end when I drive to say, a video store to see if they have a movie I need instead of just calling the store and asking over the phone.

I'm learning little by little that people and relationships should not be calculated. Certain elements of people and relationships CAN be calculated, such as just how much button-pushing a person can endure before they lose it, or which type of flowers are your sweetheart's favorite, but we really need to leave the relationship as a whole alone.

Here's what I mean: I am someone who very much likes to keep things even and fair. Not necessarily in the sense of revenge and repaying wrongs, but in the sense that I can't stand feeling unequal in a relationship. I constantly worry that I make myself a burden to other people or that I rely too much on them. I make a big deal (to myself) out of making sure that I am supporting a friend just as much as he or she is supporting me. I hate feeling that the relationship weighs too heavily on my side (whether or not it ACTUALLY is that way). In short, I freak out about "repaying" people for kindness or care that they show to me because I have an intense fear of being seen as needy.

For this reason, I try to calculate my friendships. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it!

After a particularly bad night, I was texting back and forth with a close friend of mine about things that were on my mind. It was some pretty emotionally heavy stuff, and I began to worry that I was going too far and putting too much on this friend. I asked her point-blank if I was a burden to her, and she said something interesting to me. She said, "Because we are friends, your burdens are my burdens. But YOU are not a burden. We help each other. We're there for one another. Right now, it's your turn to lean on me. Somewhere down the line, it will be my turn to lean on you. Now stop your worrying and go to sleep." 

I typed this response out on my computer and printed it so that I could tape it up on my wall because it's something that I need to constantly remind myself of. I need to just let things be and stop trying to figure them all out. I need to remember that relationships won't always be equal; that it's okay to let them lean one way or the other because LIFE leans one way or the other. I need to trust my friends. I need to trust MYSELF.

Conclusion: It's okay to calculate your bill before you reach the register. It's NOT okay to calculate your friends.

:)

Top 8: Things I Want To Do When I Get To Heaven

8. Meet my great-grandparents from both sides.
7. Walk along the endless shore with no shoes on with a close friend and just talk and talk and talk...
6. See my grandpa with two functioning human legs.
5. Hear all the forms of worship intertwining simultaneously with one another (think the chorus of Prince of Peace/You Are Holy, but times like a billion)
4. Meet the people that have inspired me if I didn't get to meet them while I was on earth.
3. Reunite with all the loved ones that got here before I did.
2. Plan Welcome Home parties for the loved ones that haven't arrived yet.
1. Hug Jesus.

Psalm 13

I have found this psalm particularly cathartic and meaningful today. 

1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome her,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Jesus Says

The Enemy says, "You are weak."
Jesus says, "My power is demonstrated perfectly when you're weak." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The Enemy says, "You'll always be sad."
Jesus says, "One day, you will be happy again. I'm making all things new." (Revelation 21:4)

The Enemy says, "You are worthless."
Jesus says, "I will save you from oppression and violence, for you are precious to me." (Psalm 72:14)

The Enemy says, "You don't belong."
Jesus says, "I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." (Psalm 43:1)

The Enemy says, "You are afraid."
Jesus says, "Don't be afraid. I'm holding your hand and I'll never let go." (Psalm 41:13)

The Enemy says, "You can't do anything."
Jesus says, "You can do all things because I will give you the strength to do them. (Philippians 4:13)

The Enemy says, "Give up."
Jesus says, "Keep going. There is a crown waiting for you." (James 1:12)

The Enemy says, "You are all alone."
Jesus says, "I am with you always. You'll never be alone." (Matthew 28:20, Deuteronomy 31:8)

The Enemy says, "God sure seems far away today."
Jesus says, "Be still. Remember that I am your God and I'm not going anywhere." (Psalm 46:10)

The Enemy says, "Nothing you do is good enough."
Jesus says, "Focus only on working for me, not them. I am well pleased with you." (Colossians 3:23-24)

The Enemy says, "God can't understand your pain."
Jesus says, "I have cried for loved ones, I have been overwhelmed, and I have felt deep sadness in my very soul. I know how you feel." (John 11:35, Matthew 26:38)

The Enemy says, "You should be afraid of death."
Jesus says, "I destroyed death. There's nothing to be afraid of because I am stronger than death."

The Enemy says, "You are tired and weary."
Jesus says, "Put your hope in me. I'll give you new strength and you will fly with me."

The Enemy says, "That anxiety's gonna kill you."
Jesus says, "Heap all your anxiety on me. I care about you and I will give you rest." (1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:29)

The Enemy says, "You are lost. You don't know where you're going."
Jesus says, "I'm right behind you. This is the way. Keep going." (Isaiah 30:21)

The Enemy says, "There's nothing left after this."
Jesus says, "I want you to be with me where I am. I've prepared a place for you to stay for eternity." (John 17:24, John 14:3)

No matter who your enemy is, don't listen to them. Don't believe their lies. God's promises cover each and every one of the lies.