Andrea Tries: Online Dating - Match.com

Back in October, shortly after my 25th birthday, I bit the bullet (where did this expression come from, anyway? I would think biting a bullet would just cause a toothache) and decided to give online dating a real effort. I say "real effort" because I already had free profiles on a few different sites, but realized pretty quickly that you can't really DO anything with them if you don't pay. You can send "winks" and "smiles" and maybe search users for free, but you can't actually TALK to them without paying the membership. After some research and survey of a handful of popular sites, I narrowed it down to Match and eHarmony. I knew personally a few couples who had gotten married after meeting their spouse on one of these two sites, so I figured they would be good finalists. The final step was to crunch the numbers - which site was going to cost me less? After all, I am a fiscally responsible young adult (read: poor grad student), so I wanted to make sure that I would get the most out of my hard-earned money. 

I settled on Match.com - $20/month for 6 months. It ended up being the same monthly price as eHarmony, but eH was going to make me pay for 12 months instead of only six. That's the other WONDERFUL thing about online dating sites. If you want to pay the least, you have to pay for at least six months upfront. A month to month plan costs upward of 60 bucks a month! No thanks. The other thing that attracted me to Match was their "6 Month Guarantee." Basically, if you paid for 6 months, kept a visible profile and picture, and emailed at least 5 different guys per month, they would give you an additional 6 months free if you didn't find your "Special Someone" in the first six months. I figured, worst-case scenario would be that I could think of it as $10/month if I didn't find someone; best-case scenario would be that I find my person and the $120 will be a distant memory in my financial landscape. 

The first couple of months with Match were great. They send you between 8 and 11 Daily Matches based on your preferences (mine were Christian, Never Married, No Kids, Non-Smoker, and at least an associate's degree). I figured this was pretty reasonable - I wasn't stipulating only white guys, or only athletic and toned guys, or only guys with blonde hair, etc. They ask you to "rate" your Daily Matches, i.e. you click the check mark if you're interested in the person's profile or the X if you're not. Then, about 24 hours after you finish a round of Daily Matches, they'll send you another set. 

Since I was really committed to this online dating venture, I rated my Daily Matches almost every day. About 75% of the time, I would X all of them. Either I was being extremely picky, or the matches were just bad. I was looking not only for a Christian guy, but a guy who mentioned something about his faith in the Biography section of his profile. I didn't want someone who just checked a box. So many of my matches mentioned nothing about their faith in their biography, and I would X them. 

Around January, I started to notice that the number and quality of my matches was declining. I would get matches without any pictures or no profile information boxes filled in or matches that didn't meet even my basic preferences. Was I seriously getting to the end of the possible matches and now the system was just grasping at any guys that remotely fit what I was looking for? The claimed the system "gets smarter" with each match you rate, but I was unconvinced. 

Logging into Match was sometimes the best and worst thing in my day. Initially, I would feel excited about the prospect of new matches to click through. About halfway through, my excitement would wane and give way to frustration, especially if I had Xed all of them so far. After the last X (and I always Xed the last one or two because they were those dud profiles with no picture or profile info), I felt dejection. Another day without finding someone. The optimists would say "Another day weeding out the wrong ones will bring you to the right one!" I tended to think on the more pessimistic side - another day, another set of matches behind me, hurtling toward the bottom of the barrel. I mean, there had to be a finite number of matches meeting my preferences, right? I was sure to meet that end sooner or later. 

To remain eligible for the 6 month guarantee, I had to email at least 5 people every month. To this point I had emailed at least 20 different guys - probably more, since I tended to email anyone that interested me. Let's estimate that I had made contact with 25 people. Of those 25, one emailed me back to say he wasn't interested, and another one emailed back a couple of times, perhaps to be polite, then simply stopped replying. 

The rest didn't reply at all. 

Again, the optimist would say that those guys were jerks and to not waste any more time worrying about it. But this is me. I took it pretty hard. I couldn't stop wondering why I wasn't getting replies from these people that I thought I matched well with. Was there something wrong with me? Did they not like the way I looked? Was this always going to happen to me, no matter what site I used? 

Around this time, I got a 3-Month Satisfaction Survey from the site, and they got an earful from me. I admit, I wasn't entirely objective, as I had just finished Xing eleven matches and getting no emails. When I came to the last question, "How likely would you be to recommend Match to a friend?" I said "Not likely at all" and explained that I was frustrated with the system sending me matches outside my preferences, not getting emails, etc. It turns out that the way to get free stuff from these sites is to say you wouldn't recommend them! The following day, I got an email saying that I had been upgraded for free to a membership that included Email Read Notifications (normally $3.99 a month). When I clicked through to my sent emails, I would be able to see if the email I sent had been opened or not. This was GREAT - at least half of the ones I had sent weren't even opened, which meant I could reasonably assume that those guys didn't have memberships and couldn't open the emails. The ones who had read and hadn't replied, well piss off. Forget you. 

I was a bit more encouraged about Match after that upgrade because I could see that it wasn't necessarily my fault that I wasn't getting emails. I did get a handful of "winks" and profile likes and an email or two from guys that were way outside my preferences, but I was not exactly encouraged by this. For a humorous look at some of these men, read this post. 

One day, one of my matches caught my eye because I recognized a very familiar college campus in his photo. I emailed him, asking "is that Calvin College in the background of your photo? I went there too!" I probably wouldn't have made contact with him otherwise, since his profile didn't mention anything about his faith. But, I figured, what could be safer than a Calvin guy?

He emailed back, and we corresponded for a week or so before he asked me for a date. I was OVER THE MOON. And also terrified. I hadn't been on a date in six years. And I had NEVER done this casual dating first date thing. The two guys I had gone out with previously started first as friends and then morphed into a romantic relationship. I was excited to meet this guy, but so scared that I was going to screw it up somehow, that he wouldn't like me once he saw me in person, that he would change his mind and not want to see me again. 

Everyone tried to convince me that it would be okay, that I would charm him, I had so much to offer, etc. My therapist talked me down, so to speak, one afternoon in her office. I was so keyed up and fidgety and I talked about the prospect of that date for the entire session. By the way, it was still NINE DAYS AWAY. If you didn't know this about me already, this should illustrate to you that I get wildly anxious about things like this.

For the sake of this story, let's call this guy Barry. The day of the date with Barry came, and I was feeling reasonably calm. Still nervous, of course, but nothing like it had been previously. He had asked me to a coffee place, and I made explicitly sure that this would be a date, rather than two acquaintances meeting for the first time. He said it was a date, and that he loved that I asked that. Good sign. 

I arrived to the coffee place and he was already there, so I went to where he was sitting and introduced myself, even though he probably had a decent idea of who I was already. He got up out of his booth and walked with me to the counter to place our orders. He went first, and paid for his, and then went to sit back down. I was a bit thrown, thinking that if this was truly a date, he would have waited for me to place an order before paying, right? That's usually how dates work, right? I shook it off and ordered my coffee, and went back to the booth and sat down. We chit-chatted about shared interests, our jobs, and memories of Calvin. He was a speech therapist, which automatically meant he had a master's degree, which I loved. Since he went to Calvin, we had a few mutual acquaintances, so we talked about those for a little while too. I felt nervous the whole time I was there, but I tried my best to act confident and at ease. I thought the date was going reasonably well. A little awkward, since this was only our first time meeting face-to-face, but going well nonetheless. 

After he finished his tea, and we came to a small lull in our discussion of favorite television shows, he said, "Well, this was fun. It was nice to meet you." Then he made a move to get out of the booth, and gather his tea cup and trash. I was once again thrown by this abrupt change, but I followed his lead, gathering my things and sliding out of the booth. He came back and said, "Have a good weekend!" I responded with a similar sentiment, and he turned toward the back door, where he said his car was parked. I turned toward the front door and walked toward my car. 

I got in, turned the key in the ignition, and saw that the clock read 7:54. That "date" lasted a grand total of 54 minutes. As I drove home, I went over and over the date in my mind, trying to figure out exactly what had just happened. That didn't feel like a successful date. 1) He didn't pay for my coffee, which came to a grand total of $3.17.    2) He ended it abruptly after less than an hour. 3) He didn't ask for my phone number or even my last name to find me on Facebook. 4) He didn't express anything to the effect of seeing me again, no "Let's do this again sometime" or "When can I see you again?" On the highway, I realized that we hadn't played Banangrams - he had told me earlier in the week that he would bring Bananagrams and we could match wits and vocabularies at the coffee place. On the bright side, this was a reason to email him, which I did shortly after getting home. I said, "We didn't play bananagrams! What happened to that?" 

His reply was, "You're right!"

Relationship time of death: 9:36 pm. 

I cannot express to you how devastated I was by this. Deepest down, I believed that the date would ultimately go well, despite what my anxiety and depression were telling me. Well, it didn't go well. To this day, I never emailed him back to find out why we didn't hit it off in person when things seemed to be going so well through email. Mostly, I'm afraid of what I'll hear. I try to avoid situations in which I actively seek bad news.

I returned the next day to Match, determined to keep trying. I was getting fewer and fewer matches, and almost all of them were duds. After 2 straight days of receiving no new Daily Matches, I got on the chat line with a customer service rep. Here is an abridged transcript of our conversation:

Me: Hello. Can you tell me why I have been receiving only 2 or 3 matches every 48 hours instead of 8+ every day, which is what your website promises? Also, why do the majority of my matches have no picture and no profile information boxes filled out? Is there a way that a someone can screen these profiles so they don't make it to me and waste my time? 
CS Rep: Please remain on the line while I look further into your inquiry.
Me: Okay, thank you.
(a few minutes later)

CS Rep: I think I have the information you are looking for.
Me: Awesome. Hit me.
CS Rep: According to our records and your usage history, we have sent
every Match.com member that matches your compatibility criteria and you have rated each one. But don't worry! More people are joining Match every week!
Me: Are you saying that there are no other Christian men who have never been married and don't have kids who are located within 250 miles of my zip code on your site? I made it through all of them in only 4 months?
CS Rep: I cannot say for sure, but it looks that way, yes.
Me: I would like to request a partial refund.
CS Rep: I cannot do that because it is against company policy. However, I can deactivate the auto-renew feature so that you do not get billed for additional months on Match.com.
Me: Good enough.
CS Rep: I'm glad I can help. I'm sorry to hear that you have been frustrated by this. Would you say that you have been satisfied with your Match.com experience?
Me: What do you think?
CS Rep: I'm afraid I do not understand your question. Could you be more specific?

While this conversation had great comedic value when I posted it to Facebook, I was dying a little bit inside. I kept coming around to those feelings of sadness and frustration and hopelessness. I couldn't help feeling like I'd failed at this. Yeah, it didn't work out with Barry, but there was sure to be someone else, right? Except there wasn't someone else. Barry was the first date I'd had in years, the first guy to show any interest in me. I couldn't help taking that personally and feeling like it was my fault. 

Now, before we get too mired in sadness, this story does have a good ending. In my frustration and sadness and tears over my Match experience, I made the snap decision to leave Match behind and subscribe to eHarmony, starting immediately. I had always told myself that I would wait out the year with Match before switching to another site if it didn't work out, since I had already paid for Match and wanted to make the most of my money. However, emotional mind took over and I decided I wasn't going to waste any more time on this site that had nothing more to offer me. 

Luckily for me, eHarmony had a pre-Valentine's Day special offer going, $9.99/month for 12 months. This was half of the price I saw several months ago, so I figured, why not go for it? Valentine's Day itself sucked this year, but at least I got a deal on online dating out of it. 

I'm only a few weeks into eH, so I can't give it an objective review yet, but I'm more optimistic about this site than Match. For one thing, almost all of the matches I get have mentioned something about how their faith is important to them or how they're looking for someone who takes her faith seriously. Quite a few of them also have political views that are very different from my own, which is unfortunate, but like I said, I remain optimistic. It's possible to put aside political differences, but I am not willing to put aside differences in faith. 

Thank you for reading this incredibly long post. If you have experiences with online dating that you'd like to share in the comments below, I'd love to hear it. :)