A Mostly Cost-Free Guide to Raising an Achievement-Oriented Drug-Free Adult Virgin

This is an adaption from Bossypants, by Tina Fey and all tips come from experience.

1. Get her interested in spelling bees. There's nothing more desirable than a girl who spends her free time poring over national-level spelling lists.
2. Let her take care of her own unibrow/eyebrows. It might feel like it's impossible to resist the urge to pin her down and do some radical plucking, but just let her figure it out.
3. Foster her aptitude for music by encouraging her to be a musician herself so that she need not cavort with musicians later on.
4. Do not buy her a car of her own. Give her permission to drive the family car. She'll think twice about making out with some guy behind the Taco Bell in the back of the car that you all go to Grandma's house in.
5. Her first cell phone should come with her driver's license. But mom! All of the kids in my class have cell phones! Well, if all the kids in your class had chlamydia, would you want that too?
6. Her first laptop should come with her high school diploma. Reasoning, see above.
7. Don't install internet site blocking software. That will show her that you don't trust her to make good web-surfing choices. Do put the computer in a shared open space. That will show her that you intend to monitor her good web-surfing choices.
8. Cultivate a healthy fear of unplanned pregnancies and sexually-transmitted infections.
9. Convince her that living at home during her college years is a fabulous economically intelligent decision.
10. Travel the country during the summer so that she can brag to her classmates about all the national parks, landmarks, forests, monuments, and historic centers she's been to.
11. If she's not using makeup, don't encourage her to. You'll save both of you a lot of money. Plus. she probably doesn't need it and is beautiful just the way she is.
12. Strong father figure / a fear thereof. She's gotta be afraid of what will happen if she doesn't brush her teeth or lets bugs into the house by leaving the door open.
13. Let it be known that she'll be disowned if she comes home pregnant and unwed.
14. Push those AP and honors classes and encourage her to do her best in all things school-related.
15. Give her love and validation (especially you dads) so that she doesn't need to find it from that creep down the road with long greasy hair, tattoos, and a motorcycle.

How Do Middle-Schoolers Function?: 9 Ridiculous Things They Do That Drive Their Teachers Crazy

1. I can stand in front of the class, holding a copy of the paper that I want them to hand in to me, describe the paper verbally, and say the words, "please pass this paper down your row to the middle so I can collect it from you," and they won't do it. They can be looking at me the entire time, have their folder open, and I can see their completed homework sheet in that folder, and SOMEHOW, it doesn't get done! The most ridiculous example of this had the student with the piece of completed homework IN HIS HAND, then he set it down to sharpen his pencil, came back, looked at the homework with a blank look on his face, and he put it back in his folder. I could hardly believe it.

2. They hand in completely blank copies of their homework. But hey, at least they put their name on it, so I know who to give the zero to.

3. They put their entire head underneath the sink faucet in my classroom to "cool off" on hot days.

4. They throw each others' shoes on top of the light fixtures.

5. They wear shorts and t-shirts on 40 degree days and sweatshirts and long pants on 80 degree days.

6. The boys wear black socks to mid-calf with slide-on flip flops. It's one of the weirder fashion statements I've seen out of them.

7. They leave behind all manner of things in my classroom: books, binders, calculators, cell phones, SHOES, tennis balls, sweatshirts, bracelets, glasses...one student once left behind a shoulder bag. Inside: a laptop and an iPad.

8.  Even though they know that I will be deducting points for things they turn in late, they still fail to turn in their major assignments on time. HALF of my 2nd hour students haven't yet turned in their papers that were due a week ago. 

9.They ask me if they can borrow a calculator so that they can finish their math homework in the middle of my Spanish class.

Things That Are Awkward: Wedding Edition

New series! "Things That are Awkward!" I'm sure I'll be able to get a LOT of mileage out of this one. :) Plus, it was time to get a light-hearted and funny post.

Disclaimer: These are GENERAL things that I have found awkward about weddings. These observations in no way belong to any particular wedding that I have attended in the last few years.

1. Pastors that deliver a sermon specifically tailored to the two people that are getting married. I find that awkward because then it's like this pastor is talking directly to these two people (who, most of the time, have their back to the congregation), and the rest of the people in attendance are just kind of...eavesdropping.

2. Greeting/thanking someone in the receiving line by the wrong name because you have no idea how they are now related to you.

3. Couples that dance ON each other instead of WITH each other. I don't CARE if you are married. Keep it classy.  Don't subject us to that. At least act like you have some control over yourselves.

4. Guests that a) under-dress, b) over-dress, or c) slut-dress. Let me spell it out for you: if your outfit is jeans+wife-beater, fancier than the bride's dress, or a negligee, you will be forcibly ejected from my wedding. By me. And/or my bouncer.

5. This is not characteristic of any weddings that I personally have attended, but it's pretty awkward when the bride wears white when EVERYONE knows that she shouldn't be. But rules were made to be broken, right?

6. When the ceremony takes place at a church with steps up to the pulpit, you have to stagger your attendants. Not just one per step, but make sure that they don't stand in a straight line. Otherwise, a short attendant on a lower step will end up have the next person's back and/or butt at their eye-level, and that's pretty awkward.

7. Stuffing cake in your new husband or wife's face and smearing it everywhere upon cutting the cake. Men especially should not do this. You have just ruined about three hours worth of meticulously applied makeup. Again, keep it classy.

8. Couples in attendance at the reception that stand way too close to each other. Yeah, we get it, you are a couple. You don't need to stand so close together, especially when talking in a group. It's just as bad as having sex in front of us, in my opinion. And for heaven's sake, STOP "stealing kisses" from each other. "Stealing kisses" by nature is done in SECRET. Kissing constantly in front of all of us is called exhibitionism.

Stay tuned for more Things That Are Awkward. :)

Top 8: Things I Want To Do When I Get To Heaven

8. Meet my great-grandparents from both sides.
7. Walk along the endless shore with no shoes on with a close friend and just talk and talk and talk...
6. See my grandpa with two functioning human legs.
5. Hear all the forms of worship intertwining simultaneously with one another (think the chorus of Prince of Peace/You Are Holy, but times like a billion)
4. Meet the people that have inspired me if I didn't get to meet them while I was on earth.
3. Reunite with all the loved ones that got here before I did.
2. Plan Welcome Home parties for the loved ones that haven't arrived yet.
1. Hug Jesus.

Top 8: Highlights of Summer 2011 at the CRCG

It's hard to figure out where each of these falls, but I'll do my best. :)

8. The day we found out that Bryant doesn't like physical contact of any kind. He fears it, actually.
7. Reading books in the sunshine while laying out at the beach and pool.
6. Spending an afternoon with Autumn (4yrs) and Savannah (almost 2yrs) playing with Play-Doh and their white board. We then walked over to Dawn's trailer for popcorn and hot chocolate. Two days later, we came back for Autumn's birthday party and played pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. Kristyn (Autumn's mom) put the donkey poster on the spare tire case on the back of a staff motor home. I had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Dawn placed her donkey tail on an entirely different trailer. :)
5. Any time we played Telephone Pictionary or Likewise. Always ended up in stitches. Of laughter. haha.
4. Any time former staff members came back to visit.
3. Being roommates with Jessica again and meeting our new roomie, Lindsey. We found out preeeeetty quickly that we all had a LOT in common and that she would fit in with us just fine. :)
2. Bringing staff and students together to perform Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) at the Middle School Week Lip Sync. Want to see the video? It was pretty spectacular. :)
1. I really don't think I could choose a top highlight. Meeting everyone at orientation and then working with them throughout the summer was fabulous. I was so blessed by all the staff members and the I hope we were a blessing to everyone who came to our great campground. :)

Top 8: Highlights from the 2011 Campo Family Reunion

Sorry for not posting in ages...things got hectic and busy.

8. Getting to sit in the front seat for the drive (Matthew and I drove separately) and getting to pick the music.
7. Finally being old enough to drink the EXCELLENT wine that my Uncle Bill's winery makes.
6. My drunken Uncle Don announcing on Saturday night that he drank 10 beers.
5. Going to the beach for the first time in 3 weeks while in Traverse City. This is ironic because I live right on the beach in Grand Haven.
4. Playing Spoons out on the deck at cousin Doug's house and ripping the tablecloth beyond all repair.
3. My drunken Aunt Phyllis asking me who I'm doing instead of how I'm doing.
2. Not having to work in the store Friday OR Saturday.
1. Seeing all of my extended Campo family relatives and all the cute little kids they've had recently!

Top 8: Things I Have Witnessed Today

1. Children throwing tantrums. Times about one billion.
2. Two 4-year-olds holding hands and swinging them back and forth.
3. Same two 4-year-olds walking down the aisle in the auditorium to craft time during Bible School.
4. Distracted child on bike plowing into tyke on tricycle. General mayhem and tears.
5. Two humongous bees going at it in the janky sideyard.
6. At least fourteen people trooping up to the beach with all their stuff packed sky-high onto one tiny wagon.
7. Child dropping entire blue (the flavor that makes the most resilient stain) sno-cone on the floor of the store. Twice.
8. "Jamie" Eugene Los in a frilly yellow party dress, pink boa, and blond wig.

Top 8: Favorite Things To Do At The Conference Grounds

Maybe this shouldn't be "Top 8"...more like, "First 8 Things That Came To Mind."

1. Going in the hot tub when it's actually cold out. This doesn't happen very often because it's still so warm by the time we get up there during the summer, but this past weekend was particularly cold, so it was fantastic. 

2. Watching the sunset. Especially when there are clouds and cool colors. Also, watching big storms roll in over the lake.

3. Watching movies (or TV on DVD) with the girls in Amistad, wrapped up in blankets, eating bowls of ice cream and tons of junk food.

4. Pranking the boys. And staying up really late. And giggling like crazies.

5. Seeing all the wonderful kids and families that I've met over the past 3 years when they come out to camp for "their" weeks. I recognize and know more people every year, and it's so much fun to see the kids as they grow up. 

6. Going on "runs." Candy runs, Applebee's Half-Off Apps runs, Subway runs, Family Video runs, Pronto Pups runs (this was more when Stacey was around), Meijer runs...the possibilities are endless. Unfortunately, our gas money is not. Haha.

7. Wandering around, especially at night, and finding people to talk to. The best ones are those that offer you food from their campfire. This is why Nighttime Security is the BEST job here. Basically, you wander around, talk to people, and get offered free food. Oh, and you have to make sure everything is locked up and that there are no people on the beach or vandalizing things. But free food!

8. Spending time with all of the people that work here. They all have such unique stories filled with things that you would never even think of. That's the best part about coming back to work here every summer: already knowing (most) of the people you work with. :)

Things I Missed and/or Took For Granted About Home

Of course, my family and friends go at the top of this list. But here are the non-human things I missed about the U.S...
1. Driving and singing in my car.
2. Cheez-its. Mom sent me two boxes this past semester, but let's face it. They were gone in like, 2 seconds.
3. Cold water and drinks with ice.
4. Not being stared at in the street. Or at least if I was being stared at, it was because I was doing something silly, in which case the staring is legit. But in Spain, we all got the "up and down and halfway up again" stares. EVERYWHERE WE WENT.
5. Stores like Meijer, where you can find almost anything you need in one place.
6. My cell phone and unlimited calls+texts for $16/month, not 35c/minute/text.
7. Meat and pasta.
8. Leaving the house with wet hair and not being questioned. Seriously. The mamás in Spain would not let us go outside with wet hair because they thought we would get pneumonia. One of them went to so far as to put a bowl over her student's head so that she could watch something outside after having recently showered.
9. Memory Foam.
10. My purse. I carried all my stuff around in a shoulder bag while in Spain, but it wasn't nearly as cool or flashy as my purse. Also missed my awesome pink wallet.
11. The Conference Grounds - the people, the atmosphere, the community, the love.
12. Being smiled at (and sometimes even greeted) as you pass someone in the street.
13. Signs/directions/everything in English.
14. Being able to talk to people whenever I wanted to (without having to calculate the time difference and figure out where they would be).
15. Being able to plug any appliance or electronic device into any outlet at the same time as another. And not having to use an adapter.
16. Being able to express myself.
17. Being able to defend myself.
18. Throwing out well-timed sarcasm and one-liners. I was just beginning to master some Spanish humor when we left. :)
19. My electric guitar with its pink strap.
20. Pandora radio + Hulu + instant netflix.
21. Knowing I'm where I belong.

Things I Have Done to Avoid Studying This Week

1. Watched 6 episodes in a row of 30 Rock.
2. Walked to llao llao for a frozen yogurt with granola, fresh strawberries, and fruit of the forest topping.
3. Laid out on the beach. Although, I took my notes along and did two days of history while there. So maybe this one doesn't fully count.
4. Innumerable games of Solitaire.
5. Skyped with Jessica, my parents, my brothers, and my grandparents.
6. Learned French - pommes frites, sil vous plait.
7. Brainstormed names for the new fish.
8. Naps.
9. Read four chapters of my Spanish Harry Potter book.
10. Counted the spare change on my bedside table, desk, and dresser. 2.69E.
11. Considered filing an official complaint against the train conductors that lay on the horn every time they go past my building (twice per hour).
12. Shaved my legs and put lotion on them.
13. Found the nutcracker and all the other hidden objects in the book that I use under my laptop, "Find the Nutcracker in His Christmas Ballet."
14. Played a review game on the internet about 213098234 times to learn the countries of Central and South America for an exam.
15. Fended off the random dog that has appeared in the apartment. Again.
16. Watched Friends in Spanish. Not as funny, but hearing the Spanish cast members singing Smelly Cat TOTALLY makes up for it.
17. Counted down the days to my birthday, which is the 17th of October. 160!
18. Searched for Calvin and Hobbes comics online.
19. Changed my desktop picture 4 times.
20. Counted down the days to the beginning of student teaching: 265. Oh heavens.
21. Checked the going rate for human livers on the black market.
22. ..............

I don't want to study. :)

Things I Have Learned From Watching Friends

1. Boys jump around and hug just as much as girls do. They also take naps together. They even kiss each other from time to time.
2. There will always be on ex that you can't get out of your life. Even moving to Yemen won't help.
3. Don't marry a gay ice dancer just to get him a green card. He will inevitably return to your life and confess his heterosexuality.
4. Nothing is too outrageous for a soap opera plot - falling to one's death in an elevator shaft, being the father to only one child in a set of twins, a brain transplant...the possibilities are endless.
5. All you have to do to get over a man is make a billion jars of jam.
6. Men and women understand different things by the phrase "We are on a break." In fact, most women do not recognize it as an excuse at all. You're better off apologizing.
7. Any lock can be picked with the wire out of a woman's underwire bra.
8. What happens at the beach stays at the beach. Until you act weird and everyone finds out what happened.
9. Always double-check to make sure that what you are throwing on the fire is a log, not a leg.
10. Chandler Bing's job title...transponster?
11. Telling people that you are having your brother's triplets will never get old.
12. Dressing up in wedding dresses and drinking beer on the couch is the best way to cheer someone up.
13. If two of your friends are disappearing together for long periods of time, it is NOT because they are doing laundry.
14. It is very easy to find work in Las Vegas when you find out the movie you were supposed to star in has been canceled.
15. If you want to give someone a large sum of money without them realizing it, all you have to do is invent a card game, give it the name of a mundane object, and make up the rules as you go. Just make sure that the other person doesn't play it with someone else and lose all the money you just gave them.
16. Do not, under any circumstances, leave teeth whitening gel on for a single minute longer than prescribed.
17. You can get back at your twin sister for appearing in porno movies under your name by telling the production office that you have moved so that all of her checks are sent to you instead.
18. What happens in London stays in London. Until you start kissing everyone, leaving your underwear in other peoples' apartments, and doing tons of laundry every day and everyone finds out what happened.
19. Unagi is a type of sushi. That's it.
20. A wedding musket is just as good as an engagement ring.
21. Silent Auction ≠ Estimation Contest.
22. Cheesecake should never be wasted. Even if you dropped an entire cheesecake on the floor, you can still eat it. Seriously. No pasa nada.
23. A toy boat can instantly make a bubble bath more masculine.
24. Freddy Prinze, Jr. makes one heck of a nanny.
25. "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mixalot is 100% appropriate to sing to your baby when you want her to laugh.
26. Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) makes one heck of a sperm donor.
27. Humidity ruins lives. And hair. And Ping-Pong matches.
28. No one counts the seconds with Mississippi anymore, most especially the people that operate spray tanning parlors.
29. Danny DeVito makes two hecks of a stripper.
30. Getting married in the streets of New York City after a blizzard will turn out to be even more romantic than all of the plans you already made.
31. You can change your name to LITERALLY ANYTHING. Princess Consuela Bananahammock? Crap Bag? Be creative!
32. True love will always find its way.

Top 8: Things I'll Miss vs. Things I'll Not Miss

Things I will miss about Spain:
1. Siesta. 2 hours of free time every day, even if you don't want to sleep? Yeah, I'll take it.
2. Cafe con leche. Best drink ever, and it's soooo cheap here! None of this $4.50 for coffee, like in the States.
3. Seeing all the other Spain students every day. I've become really good friends with them and it really is like becoming part of a family.
4. Traveling is soooo easy here. Well, getting to and from an airport isn't always so easy (cough VALENCIA), but getting to other countries is cheap and relative easy, compared to the US. For example, my two weekends in Paris and Rome (airfare, hostel, food, entrance fees, all of it) cost me 500 euros total (about $715). You can't even get a one-way ticket to this continent from the US for that amount.
5. All classes done before lunch. Even if lunch is at 2:00, it's nice to not have to go back afterward.
6. Studying on the beach. Especially when we get sick of studying and decide to play volleyball instead.
7. Snow-less winters (at least along the coast). Don't be surprised if I become a snowbird when I am old. I've already come to terms with it and accepted it.
8. llao llao frozen yogurt. So cheap, and you get so much. Sorry Oviedo kids, they currently don't have any llao llaos in your neck of the woods. :(

Things I will most definitely NOT miss about Spain:
1. The people here have a tendency to walk in the middle of the sidewalk. If someone is coming at them in the opposite direction, they move a quarter of an inch to the right to "let them pass" and then they go back to the middle. For the thousands of times that I have been the person coming from the opposite direction, I can say with confidence that they do not actually move. I am forever having to skirt people on the sidewalk so that I don't bump into them. And don't even think about trying to pass anyone on the sidewalk. A slow-walking Spanish woman can take up the ENTIRE sidewalk. And these sidewalks are not wide. For some reason, the city planners have decided to plant trees in the sidewalk, thereby reducing the surface area of the sidewalk further.  Bottom line: there is NO "stay to the right" policy in Europe. Everyone walks WHEREVER they want.
2. Thin walls. I can make out entire conversations from the apartment next door. And my bedroom does not even share a wall with them.
3. When you go out to a cafe with a group of people, the final bill comes all together. They don't separate it. It's not too big a deal if you're going out for coffee or ice cream or something, especially if everyone brought more or less exact change. BUT if you've gone out for dinner with 25 people, splitting a 200 euro bill is a pain, especially because they rarely itemize it. So everyone has to return to the menu, figure out what they owe, make sure that everyone pays what the owe, etc. Spanish people usually end up just splitting the bill equally, but what if someone got a 15 euro meal and someone else got something for 4? How is that fair? They just don't care here. Separate checks are realllllly nice.
4. DOG POOP EVERYWHERE. It's not illegal to just let your dog poop in the middle of the sidewalk, at least in Denia. Thankfully, other cities are cleaner, and it's just nice to not have to constantly watch where you're walking.
5. 36c/min outgoing calls made from our cell phones. And don't even think about texting. I miss my phone at home, with unlimited calling and texting for $16/month.
6. Having to see my friends and family through a computer screen because I don't have the option to see them face-to-face. Sometimes you just need to see people face-to-face.
7. Topless beaches. Is that really necessary? Who are you going to show those tanned boobs to, anyway? The only circumstances under which I would EVER sunbathe topless are in the event that I was alone or with very very VERY good friends. Oh, and if Antarctica completely melted into a giant puddle.
8. The superstition surrounding health. For example: leaving the house with wet hair (or actually, doing ANYTHING with wet hair) will result in you immediately falling ill with all manner of ailments. Tara's host parents are so concerned about this that they once put a bowl on her recently-showered head before they would allow her to go out onto the terrace to see the Fallas celebrations.