# 003

Sometimes I wonder
Somewhere along the line
Did I make the wrong decision?

What if I had picked a different school
a different city
a different apartment
a different church
a different grad school
a different program
a different career
a different college
a different summer job
a different sport
a different extracurricular activity
a different group of friends

Does the answer lie at the end of one those trails?
Was it a single decision
a pattern of decisions
a lifetime of decisions
I guess what it really comes down to is this -

Can one decision change the course of your entire life?

What if I had applied to jobs outside of West Michigan?
moved out
moved away
moved on
It certainly worked for other people
Do I have to move away to find what they have?

Maybe I should have given teaching a better try
my life could have looked very different

Or what if I had chosen a different career entirely
A career where adults aren't outnumbered eighteen to one

Or what if
(the what-ifs will kill ya, kid)
I had made different choices in college
the dorms
the meal plan
the student life
the piles of opportunities to make friends
to meet people
All those conclusions

foregone

receding in the rearview

Perhaps it goes even further

all the way back

to the friends I made in middle school

one deviation

and my story could have been one of 

high school sweethearts

(do I even want that? probably not. 

But people don't coo over "27 and engaged to her career.")

Someone wise once told me that 

whatever decision I make will be the right decision. 

But how can I be sure? Is it ever that simple?

(I'll take "Things That Keep Me Awake at Night" for 200, Alex.)

Cogs

Cogs

(printed with permission)

--

Have you ever missed someone so much it hurt? Not just emotionally, but physically. Where there's an ache in your stomach, and you feel your chest tighten when you see other people who are with their someone. Where your heart flutters, and not in a good way, when you are struck with how much you miss yours.

What if you don't have someone? How do you miss someone you don't know and have never met? Are you truly missing the person, or simply the idea of a person?

--

I open up my chest and examine the machinery inside. Cogs and wheels with spokes, bands and levers, all spinning and whirring and churning out my existence. If you look closely, you can see that there is a gap in the line of cogs. Its absence doesn't cause my life to grind to a halt because I've rigged a couple of extra bands and loops to connect the two ends. It's not as good as having the cog in place, but once I close my chest, no one's the wiser. I look just the same as everyone else, albeit as only half of a pair.

When it's quiet, though, I hear clanking and screeching from inside. No amount of spare parts or finesse will eliminate it completely. Sure, I can ignore it from time to time, like when there's a goal to work toward or a friend to focus on. But I can't distract every minute.

Sometimes people try to help.

They say, "Well, are you looking for the cog? You won't find it if you're busy doing other things."
I want to say, "Of course I'm looking. I have to keep busy with other things or I'll go crazy thinking about that cog. I can't afford to devote all of my time to searching for the cog - I have bills to pay and a career to build and friendships to maintain. Of course I'm looking. But I have to keep the other cogs in working condition too."

They say, "You'll find that cog when you stop looking. It'll show up when you least expect it."
I want to say, "How on earth does one least expect something?! And that first sentence makes zero point zero sense. In order to find something, I have to look. And if I stop looking, how can I expect to find it? That's not finding. That's having it land in your lap. And can you honestly tell me that you didn't find your cog by looking for it? Part of you must have been looking. If you weren't, you wouldn't even have noticed that it was missing in the first place."

They say, "You don't need a cog. You're a complete person already."
I want to say, "Yes, I know I'm a complete person. I know that I don't need that cog. I've rigged the spare parts and I'm functioning. But I want that cog. I want to have that cog in my chest, making the other cogs run better. I want the screeching to stop. I know I am complete, but I want to feel complete too."

They say, "How have you not found your cog yet? You have so much going for you and any cog would be lucky to be part of your machinery."
I want to say, "NO DUH, Sherlock. I'm not the one who needs convincing. I know that I have a lot going for me. But so far, that hasn't helped me find the cog. It hasn't seemed to improve my luck in searching, and it hasn't dropped the cog in my path. Thank you for the compliment, but it doesn't make me feel better."

They say, "God's timing is perfect."
I want to say, "My head knows that. My heart has trouble understanding that. Please, just allow me to feel frustrated and upset and sad that I have to jury-rig a cog until the other one shows up. I'm not asking to be talked out of it."

--

Most people who have all their cogs forget what it was like to be missing one (if they ever were missing one). They want to convince me that I'm fine without the cog, that other people have it worse, that I need to stop missing something I don't have and be content with what I do have. That the missing cog shouldn't matter as much as it does.

But it does. It does! It does matter.

That cog is in my heart and my heart is in that cog. That's just the way I was made. I wish I could be okay without that cog; that I could feel complete without that cog. It would make this all a lot easier, that's for sure. I'm sure there's a reason I haven't got this cog in place, but I don't see that reason right now and its absence makes me sad.

It's okay if you don't know how to help or how to it better. But please...please...don't tell me that this cog isn't important. I want that cog. In a way, I do need that cog. Not to be a complete person.

But to feel like a complete person.

----

An Awful Thing for a Woman to Say

A few years ago, I was talking with a woman at church. This was an older woman, I would put her at 70s or above. She had asked me what I was doing those days, and I told her that I was in grad school to become a school counselor. She raised her eyebrows and her eyes grew wide - "But don't you want to get married? Why aren't you married yet?" (This woman was very old-school.) I replied that I'd love to get married, my circumstances were simply due to a lack of opportunity. She calmed a bit after that, but was still concerned - "But what about having kids? Your eggs are going to go bad if you don't get a move on!" I listened, patiently, and said that science had come a long way and that women were having babies well into their 30s these days with few complications. But that didn't placate this woman. Her next question was "How many kids do you want?" I was getting annoyed by this point, and decided to really shock her. "You know, I don't think I want kids." She was silent. Then:

"What an awful thing for a woman to say."

Yikes. Shocking, indeed. She was genuinely appalled by my answer. I made up something about having to get to my classroom for church school, and said goodbye before she had a chance to say anything else. Like, the things that women hear in this society (and in the church) when they say they don't want kids.

"That's pretty selfish of you, you know."
"How could you not want kids? You owe it to yourself and your family to have kids!"
"It's not really up to you, though, it's up to your husband."
"You'll have to learn sometime how to set aside your own wants and learn how to take care of someone other than yourself."
"Kids are a gift from God. Saying you don't want kids is like flipping God the finger."
"You were created to have kids. And God doesn't make mistakes."
"Being a mother is a woman's highest calling."
"Not having kids will make your life empty."
"Think about the women who can't have kids. Their choice was taken away from them. Saying you don't want kids is like slapping all of them in the face."

Thanks to statements like these, I used to feel really guilty about not wanting to have kids. I wouldn't admit to anyone that I didn't think I was cut out for being a mom. I was afraid of what people would say. I was afraid that they would make me feel really bad about it. I didn't know how to reconcile my own wishes with society's pressures. I began to feel there was something wrong with me, some key attribute of being a woman that didn't make it into my DNA. I was told I'd be letting down my parents, my future husband, my potential family, even my entire gender.

Should a woman have a child simply because the world tells her she should?

In order to work through this dissonance, my therapist suggested I make a list of reasons I don't want to have children, and then determine if I think they're valid or not. Only my opinion counted here. These are the reasons I came up with:

1. The way my daily energy level is right now, I could not give a child the attention and energy it needs and deserves. Now, things could change between now and childbirth, but what if they don't? Sometimes, I barely have the energy to make it through the day at work before I come home and lock the door and unwind by myself. I blame a fair amount of this on depression and anxiety. I wear out easily some days - physically, mentally, emotionally, socially...is a worn-out mom the one that a child deserves?

2. There is so much junk that I could pass on to a child. Depression, anxiety, terrible eyesight, crooked teeth, benign positional paroxysmal vertigo, crazy uterus, panic attacks...it would be so hard for me to live with the idea that my genes set the stage for my kid to have depression and/or anxiety. I couldn't bear to see my kid go through either of those conditions.

3. I value my alone time. And not just because I'm antisocial or haven't "grown up" yet. Introverts need alone time to process what has been going on, process their thoughts and feelings, process what's coming up, and process all the new experiences they had during the day. I need that the way a runner needs to run. If I don't get enough process time, things go downhill quickly and I become an unpleasant and upset person. I remember a few months ago a Wednesday that was packed too full. I worked from 7:30 to 3, then I had an event training from 3 to 5:30, then a friend and I went to dinner, then I went to church after that for praise team rehearsal. I was starting to feel frayed before I even walked into the building. I had been going for 12 hours straight, no alone breaks, and I wasn't done yet. I tried to keep it together, but I ended up pretty crabby and people definitely noticed. My body just couldn't handle any more talking, noise, the loud music, or putting on the "social" face. I try to avoid packing my days like that one because I don't like the person I become at the end of them. And when you throw a kid into the mix, that alone time disappears. I've heard many moms complain about how they haven't read a book in years, or how they can't even get a few minutes in the bathroom without being interrupted. I fear I would be an absent mom if I put myself in that situation. Babies and kids need a lot of attention, and at this point in my life, I couldn't give it to them.

4. I worked very hard for my career. There is no way I could ever be to be a stay-at-home mom. But it seems that women can't have it both ways. Working moms are judged on all sides for returning to work after having a kid, with the implication being that they're not devoting as much time as they should to being a mom because their job gets in the way. Oh, you need the income to support those kids? Well, I guess you have to work outside the home, can't be avoided. But we're still going to be in the corner over here judging you for having kids in the first place, when you knew you wouldn't be able to stay home with them. I don't want to be around this guilt. It's trading in one guilt ("how can you not want kids?") for another (how can you bear to have someone else raise your kids while you're at work?"). The implication here, of course, is that women can't excel at both career and motherhood simultaneously. This implication is, unsurprisingly, absent when it comes to men. Have you ever heard of a man being accused of being a bad father because he doesn't stay home with his kids? Have you ever heard anyone say that man can't (or shouldn't) have both a career and children? The double-standard is there for women all the time. No thanks.

5. I worry about what parenthood would do to my approach to counseling. I like to think that I wouldn't let that get in the way, but I also don't know what it's like. I have seen school counselors mother their students, compare their students to their own kids, and give advice based on what they would tell their own kids. I never want to do this. That would not be my best way to counsel. Would it be different for me, though, since I've already made this decision not to let my own experience as a mom affect the way I work with students? Like, if you think about it hard enough, can you prevent it?

6. I am at a higher risk for peripartum and postpartum depression than other women because I have a history of depression. Of course, there is the argument that I'll be better prepared if it rears its ugly head, since I know what symptoms to pay attention to, but I don't know. It's not like having a pill ready and then taking it when you feel depressed, and presto it's vanquished. Many psych meds, including the ones I take, are not recommended for use when pregnant. Can I afford to go off those meds for 9 months, knowing that they manage my pre-existing depression and that going off could further increase my risk?

---

To me, all of these reasons are valid. At least, they are now that I've thought about them and determined them for myself. I can't bring a kid into this world simply because I'm afraid of what someone else will think if I don't. They are certainly reasons to not have a kid now. Or, in the next 12 months, rather. What about down the road, though? Will I change my mind? What would change my mind? I've heard people say that they never wanted kids, and then they met the person they eventually married, and everything changed. Will that happen to me? Will I meet a guy, fall in love, get married, and then magically reverse my decision about kids? Maybe my hang-up is that I don't have an image of anyone with whom to raise children. I certainly couldn't do it by myself. But if that face got filled in down the road, would I change?

Here's another thing to think about - what about the kids in this world who don't have parents? If a woman who doesn't want to have her own children is such a crime against society, how much more of a crime is it for a child to be without a loving and reliable parent? I'm not saying we go after the parents of these kids (we already vilify them, and it's not helping) - I am saying we make it as easy as possible for an adult or a couple to foster and/or adopt a kid who needs a home. More than that, society needs to value foster-care and adoption far more highly than we do now. Budgets for foster-care and adoption agencies are being slashed year after year, and social workers are doing more work with fewer resources than ever before. We lament how many kids are stuck in the system until they age out, never knowing the blessing of a 'forever home.' But how many of us are opening our doors for them? I'm not trying to guilt you about not taking in a foster child. For many, it's just not feasible for one reason or another. But that doesn't mean you can't contribute to a foster kid's life. What if we hung out with them at their group home? What if we got involved with a community program that works with kids in foster care? What if we bought school supplies and shoes and winter clothing for students in foster care so that they could start (or continue) their school year just like the rest of their peers?

Right now, I can't see myself having kids. I can see myself being a foster parent. In the last year and a half, I've worked quite a bit with refugee and immigrant students. Here at Zeeland, I have had 3 over the course of this school year - 2 Spanish-speakers, and 1 French-speaker. They are all foster kids through Bethany Christian Services who have arrived in the United States speaking little or no English. My heart aches for them sometimes as I watch them get used to a new country and new culture, figure out how to fit into their host family's lives, learn a brand-new language, and do all the stuff that goes with being a high-schooler. It's incredibly overwhelming for them. High school can be overwhelming for an English-speaking student who was born here, for heaven's sake. Even as a Spanish-speaker, there's only so much I can do for them while they're here at school.

I could see myself being a foster mom for a refugee. Even without a husband. Objectively, having a foster kid is not that much different from having a biological kid. There's still the drain on alone time, there's still my career to consider, and I wouldn't magically have more energy. The difference, I suppose, is that these are kids right in front of me who need someone right now. To me, that feels different from a child who hasn't even been created yet and who I don't necessarily want to create. Does that make sense?

As for the people who have had trouble having kids, I'm sorry if this discussion has offended you or caused you to think less of me in some way. I don't know what it's like to face that reality, and maybe I never will. I can listen, appreciate your resilience, and bear witness to your struggle, though. A good friend of mine has given birth to two sons through IVF, but only after an intense struggle with infertility. I can't know how she felt then or how much that has changed now that she has kids. And I certainly don't pretend to know. But what I can tell you is that my lack of desire to have my own kids does not have to cancel out or de-legitimize your reality of struggling to conceive. Can we hold both of those ideas? In one hand, we have the people who desperately want kids and can't have them, and in the other hand, we have people who don't want kids but are probably able to have them. There has to be room for both and understanding for both. The same thing happens with the idea of marriage (to a lesser extent, though) - we have the group of people who desperately want to be married but haven't found someone, and we have the group of people who don't want to get married but have had marriage proposals. We're all just different. What works for one person's life may not work for another's life. I will fight for your right to access whatever means necessary to conceive a child. Can you appreciate my right to not have a child?

In the meantime, let's do something for all those children who already exist and need some good people to look out for them.

Unhealthy

I haven’t really told this story before.

I’ve been pretty open with my experiences with depression and anxiety, medication, and therapy, both on this blog and in real life. I speak and write in the hope that my experiences will resonate with others and encourage them to find help. I hope that this story will do the same.

---

This is the story of my most recent romantic relationship, which began in 2009 and ended in 2010. There are plenty of reasons that I haven’t had a boyfriend since then (college, grad school, internships, and work, among others), but the more I reflect on this, the more I begin to wonder whether this experience has also played a role. I haven’t even talked about this much in therapy (which is unusual for me), and since my therapist is still on maternity leave, I’ve had lots of time to think on it.

I met Nick through my summer job in 2009. Nick is not actually his name, because I want to protect his identity as I talk about our relationship. Plus, he’s married now and it wouldn’t be fair to identify him now after all these years. Anyway, it had been about 2 years since I had had a boyfriend, so I was very excited to be feeling things for Nick. You know how it is when you’re just starting out in a relationship – all flutters, and smiles, and covert flirting, especially if you are seeing each other at work. We started dating for real in mid-August, and did our best to act like nothing was going on between us. I’m told that we did a spectacularly bad job at this and everyone knew we were dating.

The first few months were really great. Nick was majoring in electrical engineering at Grand Valley, and I was doing my third (and final) semester at Grand Rapids Community College. He had a townhouse with a couple of other guys near GVSU’s main campus, and since I lived with my parents, we spent most of our time at his place. We spent time together almost every weekend, every Thursday night because we loved NBC’s primetime comedy lineup, and whatever other evenings we could manage. I never had much homework (I was at CC, after all), so I would just go over to Nick’s and keep him company while he did his homework.

September 17 was one of the highlights of our time together. Nick took me to Grand Haven, where we had first met, and we went out to dinner. We wandered around on the boardwalk in the mild evening air and as the sun was sinking toward the horizon, we made for the pier at Grand Haven State Park. We watched the sunset from the end of the pier, which was and continues to be one of my favorite places on earth. Just as the sun disappeared under the water, I turned to Nick, he turned to me, and I just knew.

It was the first kiss of our relationship, and my first kiss as a human being. It was perfect. We were basically a rom-com called Engineering Bliss.

September rolled into October, and with it, my 20^th birthday. I had never had a boyfriend during my birthday, so I was very excited. Nick picked me up at my house, bearing a dozen red carnations (because “they last way longer than roses,” he said. I loved how practical he was.) I had never gotten flowers from a guy before, and I fell for him even harder. He took me to dinner at Bentham’s, downtown, and afterward we walked along the river hand-in-hand and being all young-lovey. He took me back to his place in Allendale and presented me with birthday gifts, one of which was my favorite movie, Dirty Dancing. He knew that I absolutely loved that movie, but vowed he would never watch it with me because he “would have to turn in his man card.” I thought he was funny at the time when he said things like that.

When we weren’t together, we were on Skype Instant Messenger almost all the time. We always had an IM going while we did our homework in the evenings. I didn’t have texting at that point, and neither of us was big on talking on the phone, so IM was perfect. We talked about everything, from how our days went to big life questions. We discussed things like where we wanted to work when we graduated, what our ideal company/organization was like, where we might want to live after we got married, what places in West Michigan had good schools and safe neighborhoods, how many kids we might want, what names we liked, and how much we wanted our families to be involved in our kids’ lives. We talked about these things as if marriage was a given. I don’t know how that happened.

We were 20 and 19. We were halfway through college. Neither of us had a full-time job or any significant income. A stranger looking in would have thought we were out of our minds, planning our entire future together when we knew nothing of the world or life’s experiences. However, I was 100% convinced that Nick was The One and that getting married was only a matter of time. As a love-blinded 20-year-old, I thought I was ready any time. Several of my friends had serious boyfriends with marriage in the near future, and I was terrified of being left out. Or left behind. Nick, on the other hand, felt that we should wait to get engaged until after I studied abroad. We both knew I had to do a semester abroad for my program, and he said several times that he didn’t want to be without his fiancée for five months. I didn’t love this plan, since I wasn’t leaving for another 12 months, and then would have another 5 months on top of that in Spain. I could see his point, though, and agreed that we would have to wait. It certainly didn’t stop us from planning aspects of our wedding, though.

---

As I’ve thought all of this over, I can’t pinpoint a moment when the relationship started to go south. Looking back, it was a bunch of little things that I ignored and minimized and rationalized. One event that comes to mind is Thanksgiving that year. School-wise, I was doing fine. Classes were a breeze (except for Chemistry I), the end of CC and the transfer to Calvin were in sight, and I was just crossing off days. That Chem class was super hard, and I had to get at least an 80.0% to transfer the credit to Calvin, but everything else was just peachy. Nick was struggling with his classes. He was failing one and close to failing two others. All three classes were in his major, so he would have to take them over, and they were very specialized classes, so only one professor ever taught them.

During Thanksgiving Break, I spent my time at his house whenever I wasn’t needed for celebrations with my own family. That became a point of conflict – Nick brought me to all of his family parties and was always so excited to introduce me to people. I didn’t quite feel comfortable bringing him to events with my extended family, though. I thought this was reasonable, since we’d only been dating for 3 months at that point, conveniently forgetting that, on some days, I was ready to marry this guy. I was afraid to bring him to meet all of my family – on one side of the family, I would have been the first person to ever bring a significant other to a family function.  I knew he didn’t like to be the center of attention, and I knew that my family would be all over him. I was trying to protect him, but Nick saw it as me trying to keep our relationship a secret. He asserted that I was ashamed of him or trying to phase him out of my life. I chalked his reaction up to being stressed about his schoolwork, and didn’t worry about it much.

Things kept sliding downhill into December. Nick’s grades weren’t improving, no matter what he did, and failing at least one class was quickly becoming a very real possibility. I tried to help him in any way I could – I wasn’t much use, since I knew nothing about electrical engineering or complicated math, but I figured that, at the very least, I could be of emotional/mental support to him. It was hard to be around him at this time, partly because he was so stressed out and frustrated, and partly because I didn’t know how to make it better. I tried to help him see his situation a bit more rationally, saying, “Nick, even if you do fail this class, the world won’t end. It happens to people all the time. Nick, I’ll still love you even if you have to take a class over again.” He was silent for a moment, then turned to me with a scowl. He asked, “Andrea, have you ever failed a class before?” He knew that I hadn’t, and I had to admit that I hadn’t. He turned back to his computer and said, “Didn’t think so. You have no idea what I’m going through and you never will.” He didn’t speak to me for the rest of that afternoon.

For some insane reason, GVSU decided not to post final grades until after Christmas that year. This meant that I spent the bulk of my Christmas vacation with an anxious and grumpy Nick. Wanting to be the ever-loyal and supportive girlfriend, I spent most days at his house, even though it was tense and difficult to be around him. Nothing I did could cheer him up, and I felt terrible about that. My final grades were posted about a week after final exams, and to my enormous relief, I passed Chem I with an 80.6%. I could transfer it to Calvin and never have to take it again. Nick knew how much I had been struggling with that class, helping me with the homework whenever he could, and sending notes of encouragement when I had tests or big projects due. I thought he would be happy to hear that I could transfer the credit and not have to worry about it anymore.

He had the opposite reaction.

“How could you throw that in my face like this?! You know what I’m dealing with right now! Seeing your passing grade just reminds me that my grades won’t be passing. And now, thanks to you, I’m feeling even worse about it.”

I’m not great with confrontation. I shut down. I backtracked, I apologized over and over, and tried desperately to make things right. I began to feel really terrible about myself, telling myself that I was a terrible girlfriend and deserved to be treated that way. I know now that his treatment of me was unfair, but at the time, I believed what he said to me and I accepted how I felt afterward.

2010 started and I hoped that things would turn around. New semester, new classes, new start. I forget now how that class ended up for Nick, but I do remember hearing that more than half of his classmates failed or were close to failing, and so he felt a lot better about things. I was eager to forget about it and put it all behind us. And things went pretty well for a while – I didn’t start at Calvin until the very end of January because of Interim, which meant that I had lots of time to hang out with Nick without having homework to focus on. I spent lots of evenings and just about every weekend at his house, keeping him company while he did homework and watching The Office. We both absolutely loved that show.

Once I transferred to Calvin, a lot of my free time got sucked up with homework, projects, commitments outside of class time, and the socializing that goes along with a school like Calvin. I was still living at home, but I had a lot more to do, so I couldn’t go to Nick’s house as often as I used to. He often talked about how he was lonely in his townhouse when I wasn’t there. I asked him why he didn’t invite other friends over, or go over to their houses to do homework and stuff. He told me that he didn’t have many friends, and the friends he did have were the ‘school-only’ kind. “That’s why I want to spend so much time with you – otherwise, I’m just sitting here by myself, lonely.”

It was around this time that I started as a hired musician for a worship team at a church in Grand Rapids. I jumped at the chance to make some extra money doing something I loved, but it meant that two of my Sundays every month were spent doing that instead of attending church with Nick. I don’t think he liked this new commitment I had taken on. I would still go to his house for lunch afterward, but he kept saying that it just wasn’t the same and that he really wanted to take advantage of every minute we could spend together during the week. Minutes that were being steadily diverted to other things in my life. Shortly after this, he started picking up weekend shifts at his job, and it turned out that his Sunday shifts were opposite my worship team gigs. He would be working when I wasn’t playing, and when he wasn’t working, I would be playing guitar, and couldn’t come to church with him.

I began to feel really bad about all the things I had taken on. Again, Nick asserted that I was phasing him out of my life and spending less and less time with him. He told me he wished that I could cut down to once a month, or, better yet, that money wasn't a concern and I could cut it out completely. He told me that he hated sitting alone in church and that it was always much better when I was there sitting with him. He warned me that if I couldn’t rustle up the time to spend with him, he would break up with me and find someone who did want to spend time with him.

Pause. If we had been rational about this, there were so many potential solutions. What if he tried switching his work shifts to the same weekends I was playing? What if he came to the Grand Rapids church on the Sundays I was playing? What if he sat with his parents at his church? These should have been warning signs – why couldn’t he be happy (or at least neutral) that I had found an easy $50 every month doing something I really loved? Why wasn’t it enough that I spent Saturdays and Sundays after church at his house on weekends when he didn’t work? Why was I the one responsible for his social life and his dissatisfaction with it? Why did the burden fall solely on me to ensure that he was getting social interaction and not going crazy alone in his townhouse?

Unpause. Oh my gosh, he’s going to break up with me. I can’t let that happen! I don’t want to be dumped! I love him! There’s gotta be something I can do to make this better. He means so much to me and I can’t lose him. In short, he had taken us out of the rational and into the emotional with that threat of a breakup. He began to use the “if you really loved me, you would…” any time he was upset about something. And I fell for it – I believed him when he said that I must not love him because I wasn’t doing whatever it was at the time. I was constantly on edge about the status of our relationship.

My emotional state became directly tied to Nick’s emotional state. I was afraid to celebrate anything until I was sure that he was in a good mood. I was afraid to spend time with him, yet knew that I had to in order to make him feel better. I came away crying almost every time we chatted on IM. For those who don’t know me, this is pretty significant – I don’t cry at very much. But now I was crying daily. I didn’t know that this was not normal for a romantic relationship. I was double-thinking every single thing that came out of my mouth when I was around him, terrified that the smallest comment would send him spiraling, and that it would be my fault.

Sometime around Valentine’s Day, Nick began to say things like “this relationship is the only good thing in my life right now,” and “If you break up with me, I won’t have anything left to live for.” Breaking up with him had never even entered my mind – remember, I was terrified that he would break up with me! No matter how many times I reassured him that I was in this for the long haul, he wasn’t convinced. On days that he was really upset, he would end many sentences with “we’re done.” For example, “say that to me one more time and we’re done.” Or “if you don’t start liking eggs and bacon and sausage, we’re done.” Some of them seemed jokey, but there was a layer of seriousness underneath. Looking back, I can see how unbalanced this was – Nick constantly expressing worry that I would break up with him, but, in the next breath, threatening to break up with me over the smallest things. In the middle of it, though, I didn’t see it. My pulse ratcheted up every time the word ‘breakup’ was tossed out and with that, we fell on the emotional side of things.

During my spring break from Calvin, things fell apart. I was on IM with Nick, things were heading south quickly, and I could feel tears coming. I opened up a new chat window with my best friend at the time and started copying and pasting some of the things he had been typing to me. She said to me, “I think it’s time for you end this. This is not a healthy relationship.” She had expressed similar feelings before, when I would tell her how I was feeling about Nick. This time, though, it clicked. She was right. I did have a choice here.

I ended things with Nick that same night over Skype. I KNOW. You’re not supposed to break up with people over text or IM. But here’s the thing – I was crying so hard that talking on the phone was out of the question, I was afraid that I would lose my courage if I waited, and I was genuinely afraid to break up in person. I had no idea how he would react. He had never so much as threatened to be physically abusive before, but I was afraid that a breakup would set him off. After a few minutes, he wrote back:

“Fine.”

Then he logged off.

I haven’t successfully communicated with him since then. I sent a handful of texts, Facebook messages, and emails his way, but each went unanswered. I even tried calling him, but he sent it right to voicemail. Even a year later, I sent him an email saying that I was sorry about how I had ended things and wondering if we could go back to being friends. I did truly miss him. He had a new girlfriend by this time, and I figured that he would be more willing to speak with me now that he was in a different place emotionally.

He never responded.

---

My intention in writing this is not to paint a terrible picture of an ex-boyfriend. My intention is not to assassinate his character or carry out some sort of vengeful vendetta. I still truly believe that Nick did not say or do those things with the purpose of hurting me. I’m sure a lot of it was borne out of stress from school and the fact that we had pulled each other under so deeply and so quickly into a serious relationship. I know that I did things wrong in that relationship too. I was very sarcastic and didn’t always know when to stop. In the heat of joking and ribbing each other, I pushed buttons that I knew he was sensitive about, like the fact that he was younger than me. At the same time, though, it has taken me six years to understand that I was not responsible for all of the blame he laid on me. I’m not looking for an apology from Nick. I’ve come to terms with the non-closure of our relationship.

It is what it is.

Rather, my intention in sharing this story is to provide information and help to people who may find themselves in a similar situation. I am extremely hesitant to classify this relationship as ‘emotionally abusive.’ I go back and forth – some days I’m sure it was abusive, other days I wonder if I am overreacting. I do have a history of overreacting, after all. At the very least, this relationship was unhealthy. It was painful, it was scary, and it has changed me. For those of you who know Nick or remember him, my intention was not to smash your perception of him. This all took place six years ago, and I am sure we have both changed considerably since then. He is not a bad person; of that I am confident. I genuinely want him to be happy, and I hope that he has found that happiness and the life he has always wanted with the woman he married.

I balance all of this with the knowledge and acceptance that this was a relationship that went south and should have ended before we both ended up so hurt. Can we hold both of these things? In one hand I hold a painful experience that messed me up for a while; in the other hand I hold best wishes and forgiveness for a man I used to know.

---

If you have resonated with any part of my story, let me speak for a few moments about what I’ve learned in grad school and what exactly made this relationship unhealthy.

1.      Someone who wants you to drop certain activities or certain relationships in order to spend more time with them is not thinking of your best interests. They may be trying to control your time and, by extension, you.

2.      Someone who threatens to break up with you with the slightest provocation is not taking your relationship seriously and may be trying to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do.

3.      Someone who can’t be happy for you when good things happen in your life is demonstrating that they want full control of your emotions. They won’t show happiness for you and they will manipulate you into thinking that you don’t deserve to feel happy about that good thing.

4.      If someone gives you the silent treatment or freezes you out when they get upset, they are not resolving conflict in a healthy way. Further communication is on their terms, instead of dealing with things like adults.

5.      Someone who threatens to take their own life if you break up with them is either truly struggling with depression and suicidal ideation, or they are manipulating you into staying under their control. Either way, you both need to find help.

Compared to most unhealthy and/or abusive relationships, I got out relatively unscathed. I was physically safe, and the emotional healing was a matter of time. But other people aren’t so lucky. If you start to feel unsafe in your relationship, it’s time to talk. It’s time to reevaluate with the help of a neutral third person. It might be time to leave, and that will be really hard. But you do not deserve someone who treats you well only when they feel like it. A healthy relationship does not leave you begging for scraps of respect.

You are worth it. I promise.

Op-Ed: Why I Can't Completely Get Behind the #PrayforParis Movement

As you probably know by now, a series of explosions, shootings, hostage situations, and general mayhem occurred in Paris last Friday. Authorities have identified 129 deaths, and some 500 more with injuries. ISIS took responsibility for this coordinated effort amidst the chaos and confusion of rescue and President Hollande's declaration of a state of emergency. On social media, #prayforparis began to trend, Facebook users put a red/white/blue tint in the style of the French flag on their profile pictures to reflect their support, and hundreds of thousands of statements of prayer and solidarity erupted across many social media platforms.

You can probably guess that in the wake of ISIS's proud claim of responsibility, people got really upset and began to decry Islam as a religion of violence and terrorism. I even saw some Facebook posts pleading with God to guide the bombs dropped by France over ISIS training compounds, praying that they would hit their targets and wipe out all the Muslims.

Really?!

Are we really asking God to destroy an entire population (a population which numbers about 1.6 billion, by the way) based on the actions of one political extremist group? Are we really asking God to wipe out 1.6 billion human beings who He created in His image and has plans for? How is our blatant hatred of Muslims any better than ISIS's blatant hatred for the Western world?

Here are a few reasons that I can't fully support this #prayforparis movement.

1. Paris was not the only city devastated on November 13, 2015.

The western coast of Japan was rocked by a 7.0 earthquake.
Mexico had also been suffering earthquakes, registering about 4.3 and continuing for several days.
A suicide bomber in Baghdad targeted a funeral, killing 21 people and injuring 46 more.
Two suicide bombers in Lebanon killed 43 people and injured about 200 more. Exact numbers are not yet known because of the chaos in that area.
A suicide bomber belonging to ISIS killed 43 people in Beirut, Lebanon, and the number of injured is still unknown.

Some people caught on to this parade of devastation, sparking the hashtags #prayformexico, #prayforbeirut, etc., but the warcry against Islam was much louder. National landmarks across the world were lit with red, white, and blue lights to show support for France. Did anyone light up with colors for Japan, Mexico, Lebanon, or Iraq? If they have, it hasn't been publicized, which is a shame in itself.

I simply can't get on board with a campaign that supports so publicly one set of victims and remains silent on victims around the world. ISIS carries out acts of terror daily in the Middle East. Thousands have been killed by ISIS since the group first rose to power. Thousands. Why are we not outraged by that? Why are we not sending money and aid to their families? Why are we not coordinating efforts through social media to spread the word about safe places to stay and be taken care of? Why are we accepting only refugees who are skilled and educated (and, it needs to be said, wealthy) to our country?

Don't get me wrong. I am disgusted by ISIS's actions in Paris. I think we need to be more disgusted by what they're doing elsewhere on a much more regular basis.

2. There is implicit hatred for Muslims that hides behind innocent hashtags.

Let me reiterate: not everyone who uses #prayforparis also spouts islamophobic vitriol. I would argue that most don't outright hate Muslims, either. We have here a classic example of a few people ruining the whole batch, so to speak. We become lumped with the haters. The problem is that not enough of us are combating the anti-Islam rhetoric. Many of us stay silent, which is not the same thing as setting the record straight. I want to set the record straight:

The religion of Islam as a whole is not responsible for this past weekend's attacks in Paris, Beirut, Lebanon, and Baghdad. 

In another example of "some ruining it for everyone," 1.6 billion Muslims are being painted as terrorists by the media, social media, and, I hate to say it, some Christians, all because of the actions of a political group styling itself as Islamic. Many people refuse to see the difference between Muslims and ISIS. Is it any wonder, when you consider the United States' history with the Middle East? Back in 2001, President Bush blamed the 9/11 acts of terrorism on Muslims, when, once again, preliminary evidence pointed to religious and political extremists. The terms "Arab" and "Middle-Eastern" became synonymous with "Muslim." The term "Muslim" became synonymous with "terrorist." Men and women who looked even remotely Middle-Eastern were rounded up en masse under suspicion of terrorist affiliation. The President says it was for national security, but let's be honest - detaining people based on their appearance and/or religion, holding them without criminal charges, denying their rights to legal representation, and playing fast and loose with their human rights? What does that sound like to you?

I saw a post on Facebook this morning that stated it really well - "If we can distinguish between Westboro Baptist Church, the KKK, and the average American Christian, we should have no trouble distinguishing between ISIS and the average Muslim." It's the same concept, folks.

3. We only seem to care when it affects people who are like us. 

That's a rather simplistic way of stating it, but it goes back to the point I made about us not being outraged about ISIS targeting Muslims. ISIS activity only seems to become international news when it involves people who are white, or share a similar culture to ours, or practice a similar religion to ours, or share the same values as ours. Case in point - Paris attacks become international news shortly after they happen, but the bombings in Beirut that began two days earlier go unpublicized. Two people from the United States were killed in the Paris bombings, and the story goes viral. No United Statesians killed in Beirut; therefore, no outrage.

Why is this? I think the media is partly to blame, since they are of course going to cover the stories that will cause the biggest splash and make the most money for them. They know that lots of people have visited Paris (or at least really want to visit), and that most people don't know where Beirut is. Confession: I had to Google it. Learned Beirut is a city in Lebanon. I'd heard of Beirut before, but couldn't have told you where it was. The media plays on that. Paris is far more relatable to the average United Statesian, so Paris gets the coverage.

We can't blame it all on the media, though. We must shoulder this blame too. We have to figure out how to advocate for people who don't share our beliefs, culture, or value. We have to learn to recognize stereotypes and actively combat them. We have to learn to differentiate; to not take the actions and beliefs of an individual and apply them to the entire group. We have to stop promoting violence against our enemies in one breath and in the next breath condemning those who take violence against us. Violence is violence is violence, regardless of in whose name the violence is committed.

If we want the world to follow our example, we have to set a better example. 

Op-Ed: What's Missing From the Josh Duggar Molestation Discussion

I will do my best to avoid passing judgment or denigrating the Duggar's values/home culture/choices. But as I read more and more articles about this scandal (some of dubious origin and veracity), I find one thing missing. It's one very important thing: a discussion about what sexual abuse does to the survivor.

In case you're out of the loop, Josh Duggar, the oldest of Jim Bob and Michelle's 19 kids featured on TLC's series 19 Kids and Counting, admitted yesterday to molesting girls when he was a teenager. The allegations of abuse were brought to the media and when asked for comment, both Josh and his parents confirmed the story. Since then, PDFs of the redacted police report have circulated, rumors have swirled, and a witch-hunt has begun.

I've always enjoyed watching 19 Kids and I've read the books that the family has written about parenting, relationships, and their faith. I think their commitment to their convictions and their diligence in raising 19 children (and doing it well ) is very admirable. But when I read that four of Josh's five victims were his sisters, I had to see this police report for myself. I was skeptical, not because I believed a Duggar could never do such a thing, but because I figured the police would have done a better job of shielding the identities of victims when releasing official documents.

Alas.

The portion I have circled in red says: "The alleged victims are [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted], who live with their parents Michelle and Jim Bob [redacted]." The report was made in 2006, but the abuse occurred over the course of a year, from 2002 to 2003. It doesn't take a psychic to figure out who these four redacted kids are. Even though the names are blacked out, their parents' names aren't, which strikes me as a quite poor job on the part of the person who was responsible for redactions before the report was released to the media. Personal pronouns and adjectives have been largely obscured, but if you read the rest of the report, you can find the occasional 'her' or 'she' that was missed. This would indicate that the victims were girls. The Duggars had 5 daughters as of 2003, so we know that four of them are named as the victims. (You can read the whole report here.)

Now that I've had my fun as an investigative journalist, let me talk about some of the glaring issues I see with the way that this whole thing has been handled by the family, the media, the critics, etc.

1. Redactions - come on, Springdale PD. What was the point of redacting the names of the victims if you're going to leave in other identifying information? It took me very little effort to figure out who these victims are because you left in the fact that their parents' names are Jim Bob and Michelle. If you truly want to preserve confidentiality and protect victims' identities, you've got to do a better job than that.

2. Immediate aftermath - Yes, Josh's actions were 'a mistake,' 'reprehensible,' 'inexcusable,' etc. What I have a problem with, though, is that Josh's parents did not take the appropriate action within a few days of Josh's admission to them of what he had done. The report of a police interview with Jim Bob and Michelle describes several disparate instances of Josh's behavior, spread out over the course of at least 9 months. Only after the last of these admissions did Jim Bob report any of Josh's behavior. However, no report was made to law enforcement initially. Jim Bob sought the counsel of his church elders, who recommended Josh be put into a treatment program. After Josh returned from that program, Jim Bob finally spoke with a law enforcement officer. The officer, an Arkansas state trooper, was a family friend and responded by giving Josh a "stern talk" and a warning about what would happen to him if he continued this sort of behavior. The state trooper concluded the meeting without filing a report.  Big problems with this:

• As a state trooper, the officer was a mandated reporter. As in, once an instance of child abuse like this was brought to his attention, he was obligated under law to file a report and pursue police action. The fact that he didn't do so indicates that he broke the law to keep this secret. (The state trooper in question is currently serving a lengthy prison sentence for child pornography convictions, which surely isn't a coincidence.)
• As a friend of the Duggar Family, this state trooper would have been ethically bound to remove himself from handling this case because of the blatant conflict of interest. 
• Not filing a report resulted in Josh continuing to live with his parents and his victims. It doesn't matter that Josh seemed to have learned his lesson from the treatment program, or that his victims and parents had forgiven him, or that he had apologized to everyone. There was absolutely no way for anyone to be sure that he wouldn't re-offend, and not removing him from contact with his victims is a clear child safety issue. Had a report been filed, Child Protective Services would have gotten involved and separated perpetrator from victims. Yes, it likely would have involved removing one or more kids from the home, but which is worse: breaking up a family while the matter is settled by law enforcement, or risking continued sexual abuse? Neither option is even remotely desirable, but one is clearly safer for the victims. 
• This series of events only came to the attention of law enforcement because of an anonymous tip from someone who had read a letter written by a Duggar family friend, which was hidden in a loaned book. The tip came in 2006, three years after the abuse first came to the attention of Jim Bob and Michelle. At that time, Arkansas's Statute of Limitations regarding sex crimes was three years. This means that even though there was a police report filed and confessions made by Josh and his parents, no legal action could be taken because the Statute of Limitations had lapsed. I can't imagine that any parents would be chomping at the bit to turn in their kid, especially when the kid was clearly remorseful and repentant, and they got very lucky that they lived in a state with such a short Statute. I don't fault Jim Bob and Michelle for handling things the way they deemed best. I do take issue with lawmakers who refuse to significantly revise the laws surrounding Statutes of Limitations. It not only rewards offenders who can keep their crimes under wraps until the clock runs out, but worse, it robs the victims of justice. Sex crimes are hard enough to prove and prosecute without the pressure of a countdown clock. 

3. Focus on past actions - It is understandable that the media are feeding on this story despite the fact that the abuse occurred over a decade ago. Some media outlets are reporting as if it's an ongoing, developing story, which it is not. Other media outlets are freaking out because they perceive yet a third group of media outlets to be persecuting Josh and the Duggar family for 'mistakes' and 'actions taken by a curious young teenager.' I have yet to find an article (or, better yet, a statement from any of the Duggars) that talks about the impact that sexual abuse has on a survivor. The media are getting bogged down by the initial scandal, the police report, Josh's decision to resign from his director position at the Family Research Council, how Anna knew about his past and married him anyway, and so on. Why is no one talking about the impact this media circus (and possibly, re-victimization) has had on Josh's sisters and the other as-yet-unidentified survivor? It is possible to talk about this without revealing their identities (even though the botched police report has already done so, to some extent) and it would go a long way in contributing to our national dialogue on sexual assault and domestic violence. 

4. Lack of adequate and appropriate aftercare for all parties involved - According to the police report, Josh spent a few months at a location described, in different places, as "a training center," "some sort of rehab place," "treatment," and a "training camp." Other references have been made to the family arranging for counseling for the victims. It was later revealed that Josh was, in fact, sent to live for a few months with a family friend, where he helped with construction projects. This family friend was not a certified counselor of any kind, but more of a 'mentor,' according to Michelle. There is no proof that the parents did not arrange for counseling for the victims, but it does lead one to wonder what kind of counseling the victims may or may not have received. If a few months of physical labor with a non-counselor family friend is their idea of counseling for Josh, what did the victims receive? 

From the report, it sounds like Jim Bob took charge of forming perception for the whole family through a pair of family meetings. Many of the interviewees say that Jim Bob told them what had happened, what Josh had done, how he was sorry, etc. It also suggests that Jim Bob considered the matter settled after Josh returned, as evidenced by his reluctance to bring Josh in for an interview and his assertion that "if [he] thought the incident was a problem, [he] would have taken care of it when it happened." (I inferred that it was Jim Bob making the decisions based on the Duggars' commitment to patriarchal views on family values. And there are other instances of responses like "[redacted] said she would discuss it with her husband," which suggests that Michelle does not make statements or decisions without Jim Bob.)  All of this is to say that the Duggar girls were not given the opportunity (that we know of) to speak with non-family members or impartial professionals about what had happened. And as a counselor, that bothers me. 

5. Lack of adequate sex education - The Duggars have become famous for their views on modesty and sexual purity, their courtship and physical contact rules, and their modest clothing and swimwear. On more than on occasion, Michelle has talked about how they have raised their daughters to stay away from clothing that bares their shoulders, thighs, and midsections because they do not want to cause any boys to have impure thoughts and, therefore, sin. While I can understand and appreciate this attitude and set of principles, it is somewhat sexist. It implies that men are incapable of curtailing their thoughts and actions and that it is the woman's responsibility to dress and act in a way that helps the man to keep from sinning. It is disrespectful to both men and women - it diminishes the man's capacity for integrity and self-control, and it tells the woman that men think she is good only for her body and her looks, so she should cover herself up. In fact, by focusing so much on their daughters' outward appearance, they are doing exactly what they find so repugnant in secular culture - namely, reducing a woman to an object to be presented. 

The Duggars' approach to sexuality is extremely conservative, as one would expect from watching their program. They are famous for their courtship approach to marriage, in which the man and woman do not engage in physical contact beyond "side hugs" and hand-holding until after they are married. They teach that sexual activity (even something that most would consider fairly innocuous, like kissing) outside of marriage is something to be avoided because it fills the person with impure thoughts and desires that cannot be fulfilled without engaging in sex. While I can understand and appreciate this attitude too, it promotes a flawed understanding of human sexuality. It seems to imply that sexual thoughts and urges are sinful if you aren't married, and it is just best to avoid anything (clothing, bathing suits, books, television, movies, pop culture in general) that might even come close to bringing sexuality to mind. In a way, they are setting their kids up to fail - regardless of marital status, their kids will experience sexual thoughts and feelings, especially as they grow older, and it's not always something they will be able to control. That's just how thoughts are. Telling them that they are sinning when sexuality occurs to them will just make them feel ashamed. 

I can understand the Duggars' reluctance to expose their kids to comprehensive sex education, particularly because it will force them to think about, in their opinion, sinful things. I don't think that's a good enough excuse, though. I firmly believe that it is possible to teach someone about sex while maintaining the importance of one's values. They don't have to hand out boxes of condoms to their courting children  or bring them to strip clubs, but as we've seen, how you handle your kids' curiosity affects quite a lot. The "he was just a curious teenager who made a mistake" defense speaks to this. At 14, Josh knew that touching his sisters was not okay, as evidenced by his guilt and remorse and confessions to his parents. The fact that he did it more than once to more than one person is what is indefensible to me. Once is a mistake, twice is cause for concern, three is a pattern, and beyond that is unconscionable. I'm not trying to say that this could have all been avoided by a good sex talk, because we can't know that for sure, but their attitude toward sexuality has created a culture of fear, guilt, shame, and ignorance about a natural part of life. 

6.  "Now everyone can see what hypocrites the Duggars are!" journalism - I don't like to see the Duggars raked over the coals for the way they handled the situation twelve years ago, and I'll be really sad if they cancel 19 Kids for good. The war cries about hypocrisy and trashed credibility mostly just show a flawed understanding of the Duggars' faith. I've watched at least a hundred episodes, and I like to think I'm a good judge of character (at least, the character they have put out on the show), and never have I heard them assert that they are in any way perfect or above reproach. I don't think this story coming to light should cancel all the good they have done with their program and influence in the media. It is hypocritical on their part to oppose transgender protections legislation, claiming that it will allow transgender individuals to molest children in bathrooms, when they've known for years that their son molested their daughters. In that arena, their credibility is shot. However, it shouldn't forever negate their portrayal of positive family values or irreparably scar their witness to the world. We all sin. 

7. "He did what he did, we need to forgive him and move on" journalism - The problem I have with this is that it tells the victims that they need to move on too because what they experienced is not a big deal. It's another variation on "Boys will be boys," which implies that men can't be held responsible for what they do in the heat of sexual haze. Yes, it sounds like his family and his victims have forgiven Josh, but that's not the same as moving on. Survivors of sexual abuse need to know that not only is the abuse not their fault in any way, but also that the healing process can take years and lots of hard, painful work. I highly doubt that a family meeting and a pardon for Josh was enough to make the girls get over it. Even it did work that way for them, they are in a very small minority. Treating the Duggar scandal this way in the media teaches other survivors that it is more important to forgive their abuser and move on than to take the time they need to come to terms with and make sense of their experience. There is considerable clinical evidence to show that avoiding and repressing traumatic experiences can often lead to that pain surfacing in other ways. Telling survivors to forget about what happened to them not only invalidates what they are feeling, but also tells them that their experience is not important enough to remember. 

Those are my thoughts on the matter. Feel free to comment. 

Andrea Tries: Speaking in Chapel (CCHS April 2015)

SUPER EDIT!
Video has been recovered! Enjoy. :)

Op-Ed: The Cherry-Picked Gospel

With this latest round of discrimination disguised as religious freedom taking place in my hometown of Grandville, Michigan (search "dieseltec grandville michigan" if you haven't seen it yet), I feel the need to write about this issue. I just cannot handle it anymore. I am so sick of a small group of ultra-conservative Christians vocalizing a minority view of Christianity that gives the rest of us Christians a bad name. You may ask, how could one group of Christians be giving a bad name to another group of Christians? Aren't they all supposed to be loving toward others, avoiding passing judgment on people they don't like, and shining a light for Christ in a world of darkness?

Huh, that's what I learned in church school too. 

However, there is a minority of Christians that is beginning to speak up quite loudly and "claim" their religious freedoms by denying service to members of the LGBTQQIAA community because the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin. They have taken it into their own hands to be the judges and juries of their fellow human beings. They spout off about their religious freedoms being trampled because of Obama and our country's departure from its strictly Christian roots. 

Really? Your rights as a Christian have been trampled? When was the last time you...

• Didn't get Christmas Day and Easter off from work? (obviously, some careers require employees to work on Christian holidays, but many places of employment are automatically closed on those days.
• Couldn't access movies, TV shows, or music related to your Christian faith?
• Couldn't find a store that sold items you need to practice your Christian faith?
• Were pressured to celebrate another religion's holidays, particularly a religion whose values conflict with your own? For example, when was the last time you were expected to observe the month of Ramadan by fasting during daylight hours? 
• Were wished a Happy Eid al-Fitr or a Merry Purim? When was the last time you wished a Merry Christmas or a Happy Easter to a stranger without wondering whether they even observe Christmas or Easter? (I'm not saying that you are a bad person if you do this, I know I have done this without thinking, but at the same time, it's an example of a microagression)
• Found out that your church or place of worship had been bombed, shot up, or burned to the ground?
• Returned to your car to find that it had been vandalized because of a Christian bumper sticker?
• Were threatened, harmed, or detained for praying in public?
• Swore an oath with your hand on a Qur’ān, a Tanakh, or a copy of the Book of Shadows? 
• Saw a politician or community leader harassed or criticized for openly declaring their Christian faith?
• Heard of a politician being labeled a heretic, extremist, or terrorist for making decisions based on their Christian faith?
• Encountered a person who had never heard of Christianity?
• Were criticized or socially penalized for not knowing the customs of other world religions?
• Were treated unfairly at work or fired from your job because people knew you were a Christian?
• Encountered a city that did not have a church or place for you to worship?
• Had your identity reduced to your religion? 
• Held a fundraiser for your church or faith-based group and then had it investigated on suspicion of terrorism?
• Couldn't find friends who were Christians? 
• Couldn't send yourself or your kids to a Christian school because there was none where you lived?
• Heard of anyone being denied for adopting a child because they identified as Christian?
• Heard of anyone being denied custody of their kids because they identified as Christian
• Were accused of attacking another religion because you complained about your Christian faith being under attack?

(List derives from http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/05/list-of-examples-of-christian-privileg/)

But its not just the blacks, Mexicans, and gays that are trampling our rights! We as conservative Christian (white) Americans are being discriminated against because of the degeneration of our country!

Let's talk about that. What was the last time you...

• Were the only white person in the room/building/school/company/church?
• Had to move to a neighborhood where you were the only white person?
• Were threatened, avoided, glared at, or profiled because you were white?
• A store clerk kept an eye on you to make sure you wouldn't steal something?
• Saw or read a news report in which absolutely no white people were mentioned?
• Had your ideas or opinions discredited or criticized because you were white?
• Couldn't find American food, American music, or American books in a store?
• Heard someone tell you that they don't know how to cut your hair?
• Heard someone say, "You have a lot of money/property/education/articulateness/whatever for a white person"?
• Couldn't protect yourself or your children from people who don't like you because you're white?
• Had to give your kids The Talk? Not the sex talk, mind you, but the "society is unequal, be wary of law enforcement, keep your head down, don't put your hands in your pockets" talk?
• Experienced systemic racism? (and if you try to tell me that systemic racism no longer exists in America, I'll tell you that you need to look a little closer.)
• Were called "a credit to your race"?
• Were called a thug, bum, low-life, illegal, alien, nigger, or terrorist?
• Couldn't find posters, cards, picture books, dolls, toys, or magazines that featured white people?
• Felt isolated, out of place, outnumbered, isolated, or feared because of being white?
• Were told that you got a job or promotion because the company needed to fill a quota or was acting on affirmative action?
• Worried about whether your whiteness would get in the way of any of your social, political, or professional goals?
• Couldn't find band-aids, makeup, or flesh-toned clothing that did not match the color of your skin?
• Had your kid come home from school saying that he or she learned in school that it's wrong or bad to be part of a family that is white and made up of a married mommy and daddy and their biological children?

(List derived from Peggy McIntosh's Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack)

But the homos! They're taking over and I'm starting to be discriminated against for being straight!

Uh, seriously? When was the last time you...

• Couldn't see your loved one in the hospital or find out what happened in the case of an emergency?
• Heard that an engagement or a wedding was anything but a positive thing?
• Were afraid to touch, hug, or kiss your loved one in public?
• Were criticized for living with and starting a family with your loved one?
• Were not comforted or supported after the end of a relationship?
• Couldn't find any examples of heterosexual romance or relationships on TV, in movies, or in books?
• Couldn't find a heterosexual role model?
• Saw consistently negative portrayals in the media of straight people?
• Were the only straight person in a group/class/school/workplace?
• Were asked to stop talking about your relationship or family activities because someone told you they don't agree with your lifestyle?
• Were accused of being a child molester or trying to turn people straight?
• Were denied paid leave from your job when grieving the death of your loved one because your boss thought your relationship wasn't legitimate? 
• Were asked, “how does sex work for you?” or other way-too-personal questions?
• Couldn't get a reduced rate for health, auto, and homeowners’ insurance policies because you were in a committed heterosexual relationship?
• Heard someone use "that's so straight" as an insult?
• Were accused of forcing a "heterosexual agenda" on someone?
• Had to petition a court for joint custody (instead of having it granted automatically) when you and your loved one welcomed a new child into your family?
• Were the victim of straight-bashing or other acts of violence because you were openly straight?
• Couldn't marry the person you loved because it was illegal?
• Had your basic civil rights taken away by people who disapprove of your straightness?
• Heard someone say that being straight is unnatural, perverted, disgusting, or an abomination?
• Heard a religious leader or members of your faith community say that being straight is a sin?
• Were fired because you were straight?
• Had someone ask you when you came out or when you realized you were straight?
• Had someone patronize you by saying that you brought all the hate on yourself by choosing to be straight?
• Had to wonder if your marriage was legal once you crossed a state line or border?
• Had to comfort your kid because another kid's parents wouldn't let your kid come over and play simply because you were straight?
• Heard that God hated you and you were going to hell because you're straight?

(List derived from http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/01/29-examples-of-heterosexual-privilege/#sthash.MYZExlL1.dpuf)

And here's a burning question I've had since this whole freedom of religion thing blew up - would these people tolerate being denied service by a gay atheist in the name of religious freedom? Or would they take to the news media, wailing about the dissolution of Christian values and the discrimination they are facing at the hands of gays and atheists? It's hard to claim discrimination when you're part of the majority. Minorities (racial, ethnic, religious, political, cultural, and orientation-al) face discrimination and microaggressions every single day, but we don't allow them to complain about it because we try so hard to pretend it's not a problem and that they have no right to complain. Then, when even a hint of aggression happens to a person from the majority, it's all over the news and portrayed as a heinous crime. Will we see any stories about a Christian being denied service by a non-Christian? Will anyone even dare to do that, given how protected the Christian faith is the U.S.? 

I don't want to argue theology or Christian morality with you here, mostly because then I would be doing exactly what I'm telling other people not to do (i.e. foist one's opinions on someone else as absolute truths), but I do want to say that, no matter what your views are, those views do not give you the right to discriminate against or mistreat your fellow human beings. When did we forget what our mothers always taught us - "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? When did it become noble to abide by the First Amendment instead of the Golden Rule?  Even if a law give you permission to discriminate (or at least a legal shield if you did so), acting a certain way in the name of religious freedom is the opposite of what Jesus would have done. The Bible was not meant to be cherry-picked.

"Love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39)," even if your neighbor isn't white, straight, and Christian. 

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position (Romans 12:16)," which includes the poor, the hungry, the sick, the immigrants, the LGBT, the Muslims, the people in the middle east, and the people who you believe are tearing apart the fabric of America.

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone (Romans 12:17)," not just what is right for white, Christian, conservative, upper-middle class American citizens.

"If anyone is poor among your fellow Israelites (or Americans) in any of the towns of the land the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward them (Deuteronomy 15:7)," and maybe don't take away their health insurance, Medicare/Medicaid, early childhood education, or veteran benefits.

"Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God." (Proverbs 14:31)

"One who oppresses the poor to increase his wealth and one who gives gifts to the rich—both come to poverty (Proverbs 22:16)." Does this not sound like our political system?

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." (Luke 12:48b)  It is not okay that the top 0.1% of America (318,000 people) has more money than the bottom 90% (286,200,000 people) COMBINED. If the top 1% paid the same tax rate as everyone else, the Republican politicians would not be justified in cutting necessary social programs because of "budget constraints."

Ask yourself this - are the politicians who campaign on a conservative courageous Christian platform REALLY representing your understanding of Christianity? Their platform is aimed at restoring our liberties and steering American back to the Christian nation it was mean to be, but what would a country look like when it's guided by the passages above? Are these politicians promising to enact policies that help everyone when the policies are actually discriminatory toward minority groups (defunding ACA, slashing Medicare/Medicaid, blocking immigration reform, etc.)? Do these politicians fight for the good of everyone, American and non-American alike, or do they pursue action like indefinite war, genocide, and the destruction of economy and resources in other countries? Do they stand up for the rights of people who aren't courageous conservative Christians, or do they use their courageous Christian conservatism to highlight the moral divide between "us" and "them"? 

As far as I can tell, none of the current presidential candidates is going to get my vote. I just can't get behind someone who takes from the poor to give to the ultra-rich, prioritizes war and military over necessary social services, holds the government and legislative progress hostage in the name of Christian conviction, or condones (or worse, commits) hateful action  disguised as Christian freedom.

Why Online Dating Can Be So Much Harder Than It Seems

I seem to be on a bit of a streak here, writing about online dating. What can I say - I write about what I know and what I feel, and right now, online dating takes up a lot of my emotional space.

On the surface, it would seem that online dating should be easier than the traditional method of going out, meeting new people, exchanging numbers, and waiting for the other person to call. With online dating, the site (sometimes) does the work of finding people for you. You put in some information about yourself and what you're looking for in a mate, and they send you the people who meet those criteria (again, sometimes). It removes the "sitting at the bar waiting for someone to approach you" element. It allows you to shop the pool of eligible singles without even having to hear them wax poetic about their favorite sports team or how awesome they are at their job. On some sites, you can even put in a few search criteria and browse hundreds of profiles at your leisure. It's easier than traditional dating in that you don't even have to interact with the person to determine if you're interested. You just have to look at their pictures and interests. Sounds better than approaching someone at the bar and wasting time chit-chatting, trying to figure out if you have something in common, right?

I have found this feature of online dating to be wonderful. I'm not great with striking up conversation with a complete stranger and the bar scene makes me queasy. A website that does that part of the process for me? Yes please. I can click through profiles that are sent my way, and if I decide that I'm not interested, I can just click to the next match and not have to worry about making a graceful exit! The other person doesn't even have to know that I'm not interested! That aspect really appeals to me because I don't like letting people down or crushing their hopes. Online dating lets you shop without the social commitment, however brief, that traditional dating requires.

The next step is where I feel like I get on an emotional roller coaster. I've been very intentional about sending emails and notes to the guys whose profiles interest me. I've read enough magazines and Buzzfeed features to know that a lot of guys appreciate the girl making the first move. If I had to wait for the guy to email me first...let's just say that the only guy to email me was a libertarian from Illinois who was looking for a housewife who would stay at home with the 8+ children he wanted to have.

Plus, if I am putting myself out there, I can prove to myself that I am making an effort, that I want to get something out of this process, that I'm serious...that I'm making some sort of progress in this area of my life, even when it feels like I'm standing still.

Emailing a new match is a small rush each time. I spend several minutes crafting the perfect casual greeting that will make him want to reply (or at least I used to...by now, I've got a pretty standard cut-and-paste version) and then when I hit Send, it's out of my hands. I get my hopes up just a little bit every time I email someone new. When will he reply? Will he reply at all? How much will it suck if he doesn't reply? Because there are some guys that I email because we have a few things in common, and I figure why not, and then there are others that I find a lot in common with and I really want to hear back from them. And deep in my heart, where thoughts of the future live...what if this is the person I'm meant to marry? I want to remember every detail of how we met.

A few days go by, no response from the email I've sent into the void, but my hopes are still up. Maybe he's busy this week. Maybe he got my email, but was in a place where he couldn't respond yet. Maybe he checks this account only once a week. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
A week goes by with no reply. No news is bad news. Now I have to make a choice - I could keep hoping that he'll respond, or I could let this one go, figuring he's not interested in me. It's not a conscious choice, exactly, more like a reluctant realization. It doesn't feel good to hear that someone isn't interested in you, but that's inevitable, especially in a forum like online dating, where there are so many potential connections to be made or broken.

I work through this process just about every day, over and over. I look forward to clicking through new matches every day, especially when there aren't any new messages in my inbox. Each day brings a new set of possibilities. New guys to make contact with. New guys who might want to talk to me. Maybe even The One. As much as I get annoyed by talk of soulmates, happily ever after, and The One, I can't help getting my hopes up just a little bit.

At the same time, each day brings risk.  I risk being rejected. It might be easier to be rejected over the Internet, since I don't have to be embarrassed in front of other people, but it's also harder, because it's happening so much more often. It certainly doesn't hurt any less, at least for me. I've never been able to shake it off and move on as if I'm unaffected by it. I'm affected by everything, and sometimes quite deeply. Emotional depth is simultaneously a strength and a weakness.

Rejection just seems to be an inherent risk in online dating. I had no idea how hard it could be until I got into the thick of it. You put yourself out there, day after day, with no guarantee that someone will choose you. In the face of that scary truth, I still hold out hope that this process will yield a "success story." I don't want to stop putting myself on the line because I don't want to look back and wonder if there was something I missed, or something more I could have done. If I reach the end of my subscription with nothing to show for it, I will survive. It will be so so hard, but I've done hard before.

In the meantime, by the grace of God, we carry on. It will be worth it someday, right? :)

One in Four: Anatomy of an Anxiety Attack

I attend church just about every Sunday. I've gone to the same church since I was 13. I know almost every person there by name, and I'm pretty sure that most people know me. If not by name, then they at least recognize me from week to week. I teach Sunday school at that church, I've spoken in front of that church, I've played guitar and sang in front of that church, and I can get almost any kid in that church to give me a high five. I love that church.

I get anxiety in that church.

Usually it's pretty manageable. I have this homemade stress ball (a balloon filled with flour) that I can play with when I'm feeling fidgety or easily distracted. It helps me focus. My parents usually let me sit on the end of the aisle instead of in the middle, and that helps too. I don't feel so closed in that way.

In the past, I've had times where I had to leave the sanctuary and listen to the sermon from the narthex, where I'm not surrounded by people. I had to do that today because focusing on my stress balloon wasn't cutting it. I was sitting in my seat, Pastor Phil had just started his sermon, and I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. I tried to take deep breaths, but I couldn't make my lungs work. My hands were trembling, even with the balloon to hold. I felt like there was a small child sitting on my chest. My stomach was twisting. I felt warmer than usual. Then I felt colder than usual. Then I went back to feeling too warm.

This my friends, is a minor anxiety attack.

I stayed in church as long as I could, trying to ride it out, thinking that I could just sit tight and wait for it to end. It didn't, and I had to leave. There are these super comfortable chairs in the narthex and I went to sit on one of those. It took at least twenty minutes for me to feel normal and calm again. At one point, one of my students came down from the balcony  and passed by me. She asked in a joking sort of way, "Hey Andrea, whatcha doin'?" I replied in a similarly joking sort of way, "Oh ya know, just hanging out!" I do that a lot - I reach for a flip one-liner before my mouth says the truth.

I've had this happen before. Most notably was during my semester in Spain. Our whole group was in Granada for the weekend, and they took us to a traditional flamenco dance hall. When I say 'traditional.' I mean that it built into a rock face. No windows, one door, and small rooms. Part way through the dance performance, I started panicking. There were lots of people packed into the room, it was getting warm, the stomping and castanets were echoing everywhere, and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I had to get out of there before I made a scene.

This anxiety disorder of mine rears its ugly head like this from time to time. It's not nearly as prevalent in my life as my depression is. I don't experience it every day or think about it every day the way I do with depression. Depression and anxiety often go hand-in-hand and they feed each other. I am fortunate enough that mine seems to be pretty mild and occasional. Some people, though, feel like I did every single day. They live in continual fear of having a panic attack and falling apart in front of other people.

Anxiety disorders are more common than you might think. Recent surveys show that about 1 in 4 people experience clinical anxiety at some point in their lives. That number is higher in college students and in people with co-occurring physical or mental health conditions. That's a lot of people, wouldn't you say?

Probably the most frustrating thing to me about anxiety is that, like depression, it doesn't make sense. I love my church, I love the people who go there, I would be comfortable talking to anyone there. I even feel comfortable getting up in front of church to play music or speak for 15 minutes about a mission trip I took recently. That doesn't faze me in the slightest, though you would think it would, if I have a tendency to feel anxious. But just sitting in church and listening to a sermon makes me feel like I can't breathe and like I need to escape to an empty area? What's up with that?

I don't have a logical answer. There's a biological answer, though - people with anxiety disorders have an overactive nervous system. Your body perceives a threat, and the system activates the processes that cause you to focus and get ready to respond to the threat. Most of the time, though, the threat is minimal (the full fight-or-flight reaction is not necessary to respond to the threat) or there's not a threat at all. But your body thinks there's something to be threatened by, and it all goes from there.

It's this illogic that makes it hard for other people to understand anxiety, I think. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't understand it if I hadn't experienced it before, even with my education and training as a counselor. People can say, "You're fine, there's nothing to be afraid of here, you know everyone here, the door is right there, why are you panicking?" But it doesn't work that way. I could have said all of those things to myself this morning in church, but it doesn't make me panic less. It's just something that I have to sit in and endure.

Chances are good that, if there are more than 3 people in your life, you know someone with anxiety. It could range anywhere from mild to severe. OCD, PTSD, and agoraphobia are all anxiety disorders. Please don't discount or minimize their experience. It's very real for them, and that's what matters. I'm lucky to have people in my life that understand me and let me be who I am, but that's not true for everyone. Please don't tell someone with anxiety to calm down, or to think positively, or to try doing something to distract themselves. They've probably already tried these things and they probably just need someone to sit with them and ride the anxiety with them. Speaking from experience, that simple presence is more helpful than hearing advice or subtle reminders that there's something wrong with me.

I embrace my church and I embrace my anxiety. Both are part of my life and taking either of them away would leave me somehow incomplete.