Calculating

I confess: I am a very analytical, logical, calculating person.

I try to calculate everything.
How long it will take me to travel to a destination based on method of transportation.
How to do a homework assignment in the most efficient way possible.
How much food and/or calories I can get away with eating in a given day.
How to express myself in another language with perfect grammar (challenging) and without offending anyone.
How much time I can waste on the weekends while still leaving enough time to finish homework.
How to get what I want with the smallest amount of imposition on others.
How to get what I want with the least social interaction possible (for example: trying to find out information on a company's website instead of taking 2 minutes to call an employee and ask my question).
How to make people happy.
How to make myself happy.

Some of things are okay to calculate. A few are even very necessary in my life. Others...not so much. I really need to work on not calculating on the one about avoiding social interaction. It frustrates my mom to no end when I drive to say, a video store to see if they have a movie I need instead of just calling the store and asking over the phone.

I'm learning little by little that people and relationships should not be calculated. Certain elements of people and relationships CAN be calculated, such as just how much button-pushing a person can endure before they lose it, or which type of flowers are your sweetheart's favorite, but we really need to leave the relationship as a whole alone.

Here's what I mean: I am someone who very much likes to keep things even and fair. Not necessarily in the sense of revenge and repaying wrongs, but in the sense that I can't stand feeling unequal in a relationship. I constantly worry that I make myself a burden to other people or that I rely too much on them. I make a big deal (to myself) out of making sure that I am supporting a friend just as much as he or she is supporting me. I hate feeling that the relationship weighs too heavily on my side (whether or not it ACTUALLY is that way). In short, I freak out about "repaying" people for kindness or care that they show to me because I have an intense fear of being seen as needy.

For this reason, I try to calculate my friendships. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it!

After a particularly bad night, I was texting back and forth with a close friend of mine about things that were on my mind. It was some pretty emotionally heavy stuff, and I began to worry that I was going too far and putting too much on this friend. I asked her point-blank if I was a burden to her, and she said something interesting to me. She said, "Because we are friends, your burdens are my burdens. But YOU are not a burden. We help each other. We're there for one another. Right now, it's your turn to lean on me. Somewhere down the line, it will be my turn to lean on you. Now stop your worrying and go to sleep." 

I typed this response out on my computer and printed it so that I could tape it up on my wall because it's something that I need to constantly remind myself of. I need to just let things be and stop trying to figure them all out. I need to remember that relationships won't always be equal; that it's okay to let them lean one way or the other because LIFE leans one way or the other. I need to trust my friends. I need to trust MYSELF.

Conclusion: It's okay to calculate your bill before you reach the register. It's NOT okay to calculate your friends.

:)