Identity

When I first transferred to Calvin, I had to do a three-day Transfer Student Orientation the weekend before second semester classes started. From what I can tell, it was similar to the orientation that first-year students do: bonding time with your orientation group, tours, meals with faculty from your program, a service day in the community, sessions on integrating into Calvin's community, etc. Thankfully, we didn't have to do sessions on "adjusting to college life" because all of us had been college students already. 

During one of the sessions, the facilitator had us write down on slips of paper the goals we had for our time at Calvin. I don't remember what I wrote down. Probably something to do with getting a good teaching job since that was my main reason for getting my degree from Calvin. Once everyone had finished writing, the facilitator told us to trade slips with the people around us until he told us to stop. I ended up with the slip of paper  that you can see below. 

I thought it was an interesting slip for me to end up with, given that I was pretty secure in my plans for Calvin and graduation and career. I'm not sure what made me tack it to my bulletin board and keep it. Orientation was exactly three years ago, after all. However, now that I am on this side of graduation, this slip of paper perfectly sums up my life.

I know in my head what I want to do: go to Western, get a Master's Degree in School Counseling, and get a job in a school as a counselor. In my head, that is my plan. Even before starting at Western, though, I have to be accepted to their program. As far as I know, and with what others have told me, this program is not one of those highly competitive programs where hundreds apply and twenty get in. Someone who graduated from this program told me that so long as I have good grades and solid recommendations, there should be no reason to reject my application. My head knows this and believes this, but each day that passes without a letter from Western causes my heart to twist a little bit tighter.

If/when I am accepted, I won't even start classes until May. In the meantime, I don't have any major career plans. Substitute teaching, even long-term subbing, scares me. I absolutely do not like the idea of being in a different school with hundreds of different students every day. A good friend of mine is in a similar situation to mine and is subbing until her long-term sub position starts in March. She has exactly the personality that works for subbing - exuberant, friendly, extroverted, and go-with-the-flow. I have learned that I am much more comfortable with one-on-one or small groups situations. I can do one-on-thirty if I have to, like in a regular classroom, but I am so much better with individuals.

Keeping that in mind, I picked up a job as an aide for a 20-year-old young man with autism. I come to his house where he lives with his family and I spend the day helping him live his life. He is non-verbal and cognitively about 4 or 5 years old. He's capable of entertaining himself and seems to enjoy being alone from time to time, which means I don't have to hover over him. Because of his autism, though, he needs help with daily tasks like using the bathroom, making coffee, and operating his videos. It is unlike any job I have ever had. I've only worked one day with him so far, and even though it was a bit overwhelming, I felt like I did good that day. It's only a part-time job, since he goes to school during the week, which still leaves me with the dilemma of what to do during the day.

Between my job as an aide and all of my tutoring students, I average about 25 hours per week of working. I don't have much to do during the day. It's a weird situation because I will be working full-time (or more) once summer starts and that will continue once the new school year starts up. Finding a very temporary job for the next three months is proving difficult. I would like to be working more, if only to have something to do. Having graduated from a widely-known and respected institution like Calvin carries the tacit expectation that you are on your way to great things with your career and your life. Compared with lots of my fellow graduates, I am not fulfilling that tacit expectation (yet).

This feeling of un-fulfillment  began to eat away at me this past week as I spent my mornings and early afternoons at home watching TV and obsessively checking the mailbox. It's hard to find your value in a career when you haven't started one yet. Calvin places so much emphasis on "redeeming the world" - that is, changing it for the better with what you do. Is it possible to redeem the world by watching four episodes of Grey's Anatomy in a row? I feel better about myself when I'm tutoring or working with the young man with autism, but those jobs fill only a small percentage of my days right now.

I went out with my Substitute Teacher Extraordinaire friend on Friday night to catch up and swap post-graduation stories. Even though she is working almost every day, my friend admitted that she felt the same uneasiness that I feel. Even though we teacher graduates regard subbing as a professional's work, the State of Michigan doesn't. In some states, you need only 90 credit hours of college in order to sub. Annie was telling me that she knew how I felt; that working a day-to-day low-paying job was not what she expected to be doing after graduating. She brought me to a great conclusion though. I should not expect to find all of my self-worth in my work. At times like this, it would only make me feel bad. It was so refreshing to sit with her and have her remind me that I am not my work. Work is a part of me, but it does not define me. There are more important identities to hold to: child of God, daughter, sister, friend, mentor, confidante...as Annie put it, those are the identities to cling to.

So along with "different path," I add "child of God" to my list of mantras. Thank you, Annie, for reminding me of this. You da best. To the rest of you, thank you for reading.