What good is a picture of the dark?

When I was in high school, I went on a youth group trip to Rehoboth, New Mexico. There was a student a few years younger than me who took pictures of the most bizarre things. He would take multiple pictures of the same bizarre thing, too. A cactus needle really close up. A person from very, very far away. The sun at noon. Things that no one else would think to take pictures of.

One of those bizarre things was a completely black night sky. If you flipped through the pictures of this sky, you would think that he had taken pictures of the inside of his pocket by mistake because they showed up simply as black rectangles. But here's the real story: there was a lightning storm many miles away that night. We could see it from the dorms we were staying in. Lots of us set up camp to watch it for a little while because it looked so cool. The student, let's call him Craig, wanted to take pictures of the lightning storm. He was convinced that if he pushed the button at exactly the right moment, he would capture a streak of brilliant lightning against the black sky. It didn't matter to him that he all he had so far was a bunch of black pictures, or that he was using a simple point-and-shoot digital camera. Craig wanted a picture of lightning and he was going to try to get one no matter how many people said it was impossible.

Without knowing the story of the black pictures, you would learn absolutely nothing from them. You wouldn't know who took them, where they were taken, what they were of, or what the point was. You would say, "What good is this picture of the dark? And why are there so many?" Craig would be able to tell you exactly why he taken those photos, if you'd only ask.

Depression is a collection of black pictures. There's the obvious connection that depression feels like a black cloud or a walk through darkness with no light to guide you. It goes deeper than that, though. From the outside looking in, it's hard to understand depression when all you have to look at is a series of black pictures. The photos themselves don't tell a story, don't show anything useful, don't explain a damn thing. You need the photographer's story - words on paper, words spoken aloud, words that form a story.

But depression can rarely be explained adequately with words. Believe me, I've tried. It's invisible, so I can't describe what it looks like. I can describe what a person may look like if they are experiencing certain symptoms, but that's not the same thing. That's like saying that wind looks like trees moving back and forth. The pain is intangible - I can't point to where it hurts and I can't explain how it hurts, only that it does. You would have to crawl into my head (or perhaps my heart) to understand what depression is and does. All I'm left with are these photographs of the dark that say, "I have borne witness to this, I have been here, I have lived to tell you about it."

Society has taught us to keep quiet about our pictures of the dark. It has taught us that if you can't take a picture of something, it may as well not even exist. A picture of the dark means nothing and proves nothing.

That's not true though. A picture of the dark proves that there was someone present to witness the dark and capture it, if only for a moment. That dark represents something that cannot be seen, but must be felt or heard or lived. And just because you cannot see it does not mean that it doesn't exist.

Five Years

Hmm. I seem to be doing that thing where you write only 3 times per year. Like, every four months. I'm a bit embarrassed by that, really, because I used to be so good about posting at least once a week. I can't say that I've been more busy. In fact, I probably have more free time now than I did last semester. I can't say that nothing interesting has happened to me in four months, because my life is nothing if not a ball of interesting. And I can't say that I haven't been inspired by anything, because that's not true either. If anything, too much has been happening and I simply don't know how to write about it.

What I want to write about tonight is this: I've surpassed the 5-year mark in having depression. It makes me feel like I should receive one of these:

I have split feelings about this. On one side, I think, why do I still have depression? How have I not kicked this thing yet? Does this mean that my meds aren't working and I should get different ones? Is my counseling not working and I should find a new therapist? Why can't I be done with depression now? 
But then I remember that depression is its own animal. It's not a case of pneumonia that can be cured with a round of antibiotics. (I had pneumonia over Christmas, by the way. Unpleasant.) The fact that I have had depression for 5 whole years is incredible, really, when you consider that depression has a mortality rate of 20%. For those of you bad at math, that means that 1 in 5 people die from depression (by suicide, alcohol poisoning, overdose, etc).  It means my meds and counseling are working. They're working to keep me alive. This is what makes me want a 5-year chip - it's like, hey, I have survived five years of this horrid disease (by the grace of God, quite frankly) and I did not give up or give in. I'm still here. So don't tell me that I need to try something else, or buck up, or be tougher. Would you say any of those things to a cancer patient who still had cancer five years after being diagnosed?

So that's been happening. And with that comes this wonderingment...when someone is successfully treated for depression and says they no longer feel depressed, people will say "you're back to your old self." I wonder, what would that look like for me?  Five years ago, I was 19. Do I want to go back to who I was at 19? Not really. I was barely an adult, for crying out loud. Depression has been happening during my self-identity formation years. So who am I? Who is that old self?

I sometimes wonder who I would be if I hadn't had depression all this time. Would I be a better person? Would I be a worse person? I like to think that depression has taught me a lot of things, like how to better understand and have compassion for other people. I also like to think that is has made me more patient and less judgmental. Would I have developed those qualities in the absence of depression? And, perhaps most importantly, would I have ended up in a masters program learning how to be a counselor? I can't imagine that I would.

Now that it's mid-March, I've thought of a New Year's Resolution. I almost never make resolutions. Chalk it up to laziness. But this year, it seems that mantras are becoming a Thing, so it came to me one day to combine the two. My mantra/resolution is "Rationalize less. Feel more." Basically, I want to not let my thinking and analyzing minimize my emotions. I've done that practically my whole life. It goes kind of like this:

"I feel very sad." ---> Why do you feel sad? ---> "I don't know." ---> That's not a reason. ---> "Seriously, I don't know why I feel so sad." ---> You probably don't have a good reason, so you should just cheer up.

Instead, I want to do away with that kind of thinking. There doesn't have to be a reason for everything. If I can't find a reason for feeling depressed, I a) shouldn't try to create one, and b) shouldn't feel bad about myself. I should focus instead on truly feeling what I'm feeling and not trying to stuff it down somewhere and compartmentalize it. It is what it is.

Do you hear me? It is what it is. 

Honduras-Bound and the Painful Thankful

Guess what guys. I'm going to Honduras.
I have the opportunity to go to La Esperanza, Honduras during spring break as part of a team of doctors and optometrists. Obviously, they didn't want me for my skills with a stethoscope or an eye spoon, but rather for my ability to speak Spanish. As the physicians provide services to the people in the village of La Esperanza, I will be on hand to interpret.

I know I vowed never to travel abroad again, but something feels different about this. Maybe it's because it's only ten days instead of eighteen weeks. If you remember, that was pretty rough. If I don't like it, it's only ten days. I think I can handle that. Maybe it's that I've declined this trip for the last 4 years or so because I didn't feel confident enough in my ability to speak Spanish. Maybe it's that I can't stand snow and I especially can't stand a snowy spring break. I don't care that I won't be spending SB on a beach somewhere. I'll be content with the warmth and the sunshine.

I'm very thankful to all of the people who have contributed financially to this trip already. I'm about halfway there and I'm really relying on these donations because all of my money is going toward school right now. This trip won't be possible without the financial support and, more importantly, the prayer support from all of you. I'm excited about it. I'm nervous too, mostly because I still have to raise the second half of the funds, but I know that it'll happen. God provides. He provided the first half. Why wouldn't He provide the other half?

Since it's Thanksgiving, I'll list a few other things that I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for my parents, who are allowing me to live at home rent-free and loaning me money for tuition.
I'm thankful for my brothers, who fix my technology problems and make me laugh.
I'm thankful for my friends, each of whom adds something special to my life and to me.
I'm thankful for grad school, and the ability to pursue a master's degree. I know that it's not an option for everyone, and I'm glad for the opportunity. I'm not always thankful for the boring classes, but I'm thankful for the people in them.
I'm thankful for books. Oh my heavens, books upon books. I love to read, I love to go to the library, I love my Goodreads account and keeping track of all the books I've read, and I love my Kindle. I don't care what all you staunch opponents of e-readers say. When I can't get my hands on a hard copy of the book I want and the Kindle version is available, I'll take it.
I'm thankful for my job as a nanny. It is a job that I never tire of. I never dread going to work. I wondered at the beginning if that would wear off eventually, but we're three months in, and I still love it. Tyler is my little man and lucky for me, he likes to snuggle. He always has a smile for me. My employers are wonderful too. There's nothing like a job where you know you're appreciated because your employers tell you so. It makes it an easy job to get up in the morning for.

And this may sound odd, but very deep down, I'm thankful for my depression. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense - why would anyone be thankful for depression? I would agree with you there. Some days, the thankfulness is much deeper down than other days. Here's why I'm thankful for depression: without it, I wouldn't have met so many great people, I wouldn't have met my wonderful therapist, I wouldn't have developed such an interest in helping other people with mental illness, and I wouldn't have learned how to understand. Understand people, understand situations, understand lifestyles, understand how you can be sad when so many things in your life are going well, understand how the color seeps out of the world when you're sad, understand how it seems impossible to get out of bed in the morning.

It's a different kind of thankful than the things I'm thankful in the previous paragraph. It's a hard thankful. It's not a warm and fuzzy thankful. It's the thankful that something good has come out of something terrible. The way you're thankful when someone you love is in Heaven and while you know you'll see them again, you hurt so bad that they're not here now. It's a painful thankful. It's the thankful that brings you closer to God and other people.

So whether your thankful is joyful, painful, or something else-ful, I wish you a happy Thanksgiving.

Op-Ed: For Those Who Say that Christians Shouldn't Be Depressed / Para Ellos que Dicen que los Cristianos no Deben Estar Deprimidos

Pastor Cordova's piece is written in Spanish and I have translated it into Spanish; my piece is written in English and translated to Spanish as a courtesy to Spanish-speaking readers. 

Por cuanto la DEPRESION no tiene causa orgánica; es muy poco lo que la medicina (anti-depresivos; y otros medios) pueden hacer. Atacan los síntomas; pero no van a la raíz; que en última instancia es el pecado. Una persona, sea creyente o no; que no asume sus responsabilidades; peca contra Dios. Un patrón no va a excusar a su empleado que le diga:" Hoy no voy a trabajar porque me siento deprimido".

         Culpar a otros por nuestras conductas pecaminosas no es nada nuevo: "La serpiente me engañó, la mujer que me diste…nuestros primeros padres querían evadir su responsabilidad. Dios les dijo: ¿QUE HICISTES? No bebamos las inútiles teorías de muchos "profesionales" en relación a este asunto. El deprimido puede ser ayudado por los recursos del consejo divino. El semblante de Caín decayó (Gen.4:5) cuando mató a Abel. Estaba deprimido por su pecado. Dios no le excusó; en esencia le digo que era lo que tenía que hacer para salir de ese siclo: "Si bien hicieres, ¿no serás enaltecido? v.7. "Asume tu responsabilidad, Cain arrepiéntete y serás restaurado. No pequemos contra Dios pensando que un psicólogo inconverso tiene más recursos que nosotros para ayudar al deprimido. Tenemos el Espíritu de Dios y los recursos de Su Palabra.

                Because depression has no organic cause, there is very little that medicine (antidepressants, y other methods) can do. They attack the symptoms, but they don’t go to the root, which ultimately is sin. A person who, whether a believer or not, doesn't assume his/her responsibilities, sins against God. A boss is not going to excuse his/her employee that says “Today I’m not going to work because I feel depressed.”

Blaming others for our own sinful conduct is nothing new: “The serpent deceived me, the woman gave me…” Our original parents wanted to shirk their responsibility. God told them, “What did you do?” Let’s not drink in the useless theories of many “professionals” in relation to this matter. The depressed person can be helped by the resources of divine counsel. Cain’s demeanor got worse when he killed Abel. He was depressed because of his sin. God did not excuse him; in essence, He told him what he had to do in order to escape that cycle: “If you do what is right, will you not be lifted up?” Assume your responsibility, Cain, repent and you will be restored. Let’s not sin against God thinking that an unbelieving psychologist has more resources than us in order to help the depressed person. We have the Spirit of God and the resources of His word.

Here’s where I’d like to start: how can you say that depression has no organic cause? There is a mountain of research that indicates that depression can be caused by neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain. Sure, some people experience depression because they did something that they feel guilty about, but that’s certainly not true of everyone. Or what about someone who begins to suffer from depression after someone close to them dies? How did that person sin? Surely the loss of a meaningful loving relationship isn’t a sin.

I will agree with Pastor Cordova that pharmaceuticals alleviate the symptoms of depression without fixing the root of it, but that’s not true for everyone. I have met people whose depression has been managed so well with antidepressants to the point that they no longer experience symptoms of depression. I’m sure one could make the argument that those people are simply using drugs to deceive themselves, but that’s not proof that medications can’t eradicate depression.

Now we come to the point with which I have the most contention: Depression is caused by sin? I can see how you would think that, especially if your experience is that depression pulls people away from God, but I wholeheartedly disagree with the assertion that depression is caused by sin. As many of you know, I have suffered from chronic depression since 2008. I take antidepressants each morning, and I go to counseling with a wonderful psychologist (who is also a Christian) three to four times a month. I have a problem with people that say that I am depressed because of my sin. I admit that I am a sinner and that there’s nothing I can do to save myself from that. But what am I supposed to have done that has caused me to feel this way for so long?

The example of an employee who calls in depressed to work shows that Pastor Cordova has little to no understanding of the true nature of depression. As I have written before, depression is not simply feeling sad. It’s a condition that can decimate a person’s will to live. It can put a person flat on his or her back just as effectively as pneumonia can. It may be the common cold of mental illness, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not an intense, painful, and dangerous disease.

I find it somewhat unfortunate that Pastor Cordova needs to refer to doctors and psychologists as “professionals” with the quotation marks. Have those people not gone to school for many years, worked many internships, and earned the right to be considered professionals, no quotation marks? Pastors go to school, obtain graduate degrees, work internships, and must be ordained in order to be pastors. Just because you think their science is faulty does not mean that they do not deserve respect for what they have accomplished.

The example of Abel’s murder at the hands of his brother is particularly revealing of Pastor Cordova’s attitude toward the relationships between what mental health professionals call the ABC: affect, behavior, and cognition (feelings, actions, and thoughts). According to Pastor Cordova’s interpretation of the account in Genesis, Cain experienced depression after killing his brother. This is an example of behavior influencing feelings. But that’s not always the way it goes. Some people experience the feelings first with no sinful behavior. That’s how it was with me. I had graduated from high school, started college three months later, worked after the summer at a job I absolutely loved, and had plans to pursue a career in teaching. I was not mean-spirited, I did not step on other people to get what I want, I worked hard in school and at work, I did my best to help other people, and I certainly did not murder my brother. During that period of my life, when I first realized that I suffered from depression, I spent a lot of time searching my head and heart, trying to determine what I had done to deserve this. It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that Christians can be depressed just the same as non-Christians. It was almost as if I had to forgive myself for a condition that I couldn’t control.

I don’t believe that depression has to pull Christians away from God. It certainly can; it is a serious condition that should not be underestimated. At the same time, it has the power to bring people closer to God as well. I don’t always feel close to God, but I trust Him to always be close to me. I don’t believe that God is punishing me for my sin with depression any more than God punishing someone with cancer or a miscarriage or fatal car accident at the hands of a drunk driver. And while I know that it was not God’s original intention for me to be depressed, I have faith that He will use it to bring me and other closer to Him. I already see that in my life in my training to be a counselor and my ability to relate to and empathize with other people.

So, Pastor Cordova, what would you say to me about my experience with depression? Is my experience valid, or am I simply deluding myself?

Quiero empezar aquí: ¿cómo puede usted decir que la depresión no tiene una causa orgánica? Hay un montón de hallazgos de investigación que indican que la depresión puede resultar a causa de un desequilibrio de neurotransmisores en el cerebro. Cierto, algunas personas experimentan la depresión a causa de algo que hicieron por el que se sienten culpables, pero eso no es verdad de todos. O pensemos en la persona que empieza a padecer la depresión después de que un querido se muere. ¿Cómo pecó esa persona? Por seguro, la pérdida de una relación significante y cariñosa no es un pecado.

Estaré de acuerdo con Pastor Cordova que los farmacéuticos alivian los síntomas de depresión sin arreglar la raíz del problema, pero, otra vez, no es verdad para todos. He conocido a personas cuya depresión ha sido suficientemente manejada hasta el punto que ya no experimentan sus síntomas de depresión. Estoy segura que se puede formar el argumento que esas personas simplemente usan las drogas para engañarse, pero eso no es una prueba que los medicamentos no pueden erradicar la depresión.

Ahora venimos al punto con el que tengo la más disputa: ¿La depresión es causada por el pecado? Puedo ver cómo usted puede pensar así, especialmente si tu experiencia es que la depresión le fuerza a la gente alejarse de Dios. Pero disiento con todo corazón con la aserción que la depresión viene del pecado. Como muchos de ustedes ya saben, he padecido depresión desde 2008. Tomo un antidepresivo cada mañana, y asisto a terapia con mi psicóloga maravillosa (quién también es cristiana) tres o cuatro veces al mes. Tengo un problema con la gente que dice que estoy deprimida a causa de mi pecado. Admito que soy pecadora y que no hay nada que puedo hacer para salvarme de mi pecado. Pero ¿qué es lo que se supone que he hecho que me causa sentir estas emociones?

El ejemplo de un empleado que llama a su jefe y dice que se siente deprimida muestra que Pastor Cordova tiene poco entendimiento de la esencia verdadera de la depresión. Como he escrito antes, la depresión no es simplemente sentir triste. Es una condición que puede diezmar la voluntad para vivir de una persona. Puede confinar a una persona a la cama tan eficazmente como la neumonía. Se dice que la depresión es el resfriado del mundo de enfermedad mental, pero eso no quiere decir que no es una enfermedad intensa, dolorosa, y sumamente peligrosa.

Lo encuentro un poco desafortunado que Pastor Cordova necesita referirles a los doctores y psicólogos como “profesionales” con las comillas. ¿No han asistido esas personas a las escuelas graduadas, trabajado muchos prácticas y residencias, y ganarse el derecho de ser considerados profesionales, sin comillas? Los pastores asisten a la escuela, obtienen especializaciones graduadas, hacen las prácticas, y necesitan ser ordenados para ser pastores. Puede que su ciencia sea incorrecta, pero no significa que no merecen la respeta por lo que han logrado.

El ejemplo del asesinato de Abel por su hermano Cain es particularmente relevador de la actitud de Pastor Cardova hacia lo que los profesionales de la salud mental llaman el ABC: affect, behavior, y cognition (sentimientos, acciones, y pensamientos). Según la interpretación de Pastor Cordova del cuento en Genesis, Cain experimentó la depresión después de matar a su hermano. Éste es un ejemplo de lo del comportamiento influyendo los sentimientos. Pero no es siempre lo que pasa. Algunas personas experimentan los sentimientos primero sin las acciones pecadores. Eso es lo que me pasó a mí. Había graduado del colegio, iba a empezar la universidad tres meses después, había trabajado en un trabajo que realmente me encantó, trabajé duro en la escuela y en el trabajo, me esforcé ayudar a otros lo más posible, y ciertamente no maté a mi hermano. Durante ese período de mi vida, cuando primero me di cuenta que padecí depresión, pasé mucho tiempo buscando en mi mente y corazón, intentando determinar lo qué había cometido para merecer esto. Me costó mucho antes de que yo aceptara que los cristianos pueden estar deprimidos tanto como los no cristianos. Era como si tuviera que perdonarme por una condición que no podía controlar.

No creo que la depresión tenga que estirar a la gente y despedazarle de Dios. Se puede hacerlo, seguramente; es una condición muy grave que no debe ser subestimada. Pero al mismo tiempo, tiene el poder de hacerle a la gente acercarse a Dios también. No siempre me siento cerca de Dios, pero confío que Dios siempre estaré cerca de mí. No creo que Dios me castiga por mi pecado con la depresión; después de todo, Dios no castiga con el cáncer o el aborto espontaneo y un accidente fatal a causa de un conductor emborrachado. Y mientras que sé que no era la intención original de Dios que esté deprimida, confío que Él lo usará para traernos a mí y a otros más cercanos a Su mismo. Ya veo esto en mi vida y en mi entrenamiento  de ser consejera y mi habilidad de verme reflejada en otras personas y mostrar empatía.

Así que, Pastor Cordova, ¿qué me puede decir usted sobre mi experiencia con la depresión? ¿Es válida mi experiencia, o simplemente me engaño?

7 Reasons That Young Adults Might Be Leaving Your Church

It seems that the CRC has been having a problem lately with their young adults (ages 18-25). As in, they are leaving in droves. They head off to college and then they don't come back. The powers that be have been discussing this issue for a while now and as I was sitting in church this morning, I put together a list of reasons that young adults are peacing out.

1. Many churches have little or no ministry aimed at young adults. This is a cyclical problem: if there is no young adult community, they'll leave; and if there's no one around to join a YA ministry, it will be difficult to get one started.
2. Similar to #1, many churches have little or no ministry that support single young adults. The CRC is really good at promoting families and marriage, but not so good at validating singlehood. It's very hard to find your place in a community where almost everyone is engaged or married and asks you, "Are you dating anyone? Have you found the Right One yet? Are you putting yourself out there?" My suggestion: a solid ministry for singles. Not everyone wants to get married. Not everyone can get married. And for those YAs that do want to get married but aren't dating anyone, you need a place where they feel validated and welcome.
3. Young adults may not see themselves represented among those leading worship, teaching church school, and serving in other positions. It's hard to picture yourself in a leadership position if your examples seem so different from you.
4. If there are few young adults in your church to begin with, the YAs that are there may feel like they don't belong. As the median age of a given church rises and members become more conservative, younger members may find themselves having to keep silent when their views differ from the collective standpoint of the church on key issues. Instead of voicing their viewpoints and risking the fallout, YAs may find it easier to simply find another church, or leave the Church altogether.
5. One in ten young adults experience depression sometime between the ages of 18 and 25. Between the demands of college, the jump into the workforce, moving away from home, and learning to be their own person, many YAs don't know how to cope. Depression is a topic that churches tend to stay far away from. Some churches go so far as to blame people who are depressed, saying that if they were better Christians, they wouldn't be depressed. Not okay, guys.
6. It's getting a little better, but historically, the church has been non-inclusive of the LGBTQQIAA community. That's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Allies, and Asexual, if you're having trouble keeping track. I'm not gonna lay out the arguments for and against tolerating homosexuality in the Church, but just know that there are gay and lesbian Christians out there (and more of them than you might think) and it's difficult for them to feel Christ's love when the church doesn't show it.
7. Young adults have changed and the Church hasn't. That is, the years of young adulthood are characterized by change: change in environment, change in employment, change in family, change in friends, change in education, change in conscience, change in pretty much everything. When they come back to a church after being away for a while, it can be disorienting. They may still know the people, but they might feel like those people don't know them anymore. They may not even know themselves anymore. The Church is supposed to be the place where you feel at home, right? Where you'll be accepted, no matter what, right?  Where you'll be embraced with all of the stuff you've been through, right? If the Church doesn't want to change, it must at least be willing to understand and accept its sinners, just the way they are. After all, aren't we all just community of imperfect people?

A Mostly Cost-Free Guide to Raising an Achievement-Oriented Drug-Free Adult Virgin

This is an adaption from Bossypants, by Tina Fey and all tips come from experience.

1. Get her interested in spelling bees. There's nothing more desirable than a girl who spends her free time poring over national-level spelling lists.
2. Let her take care of her own unibrow/eyebrows. It might feel like it's impossible to resist the urge to pin her down and do some radical plucking, but just let her figure it out.
3. Foster her aptitude for music by encouraging her to be a musician herself so that she need not cavort with musicians later on.
4. Do not buy her a car of her own. Give her permission to drive the family car. She'll think twice about making out with some guy behind the Taco Bell in the back of the car that you all go to Grandma's house in.
5. Her first cell phone should come with her driver's license. But mom! All of the kids in my class have cell phones! Well, if all the kids in your class had chlamydia, would you want that too?
6. Her first laptop should come with her high school diploma. Reasoning, see above.
7. Don't install internet site blocking software. That will show her that you don't trust her to make good web-surfing choices. Do put the computer in a shared open space. That will show her that you intend to monitor her good web-surfing choices.
8. Cultivate a healthy fear of unplanned pregnancies and sexually-transmitted infections.
9. Convince her that living at home during her college years is a fabulous economically intelligent decision.
10. Travel the country during the summer so that she can brag to her classmates about all the national parks, landmarks, forests, monuments, and historic centers she's been to.
11. If she's not using makeup, don't encourage her to. You'll save both of you a lot of money. Plus. she probably doesn't need it and is beautiful just the way she is.
12. Strong father figure / a fear thereof. She's gotta be afraid of what will happen if she doesn't brush her teeth or lets bugs into the house by leaving the door open.
13. Let it be known that she'll be disowned if she comes home pregnant and unwed.
14. Push those AP and honors classes and encourage her to do her best in all things school-related.
15. Give her love and validation (especially you dads) so that she doesn't need to find it from that creep down the road with long greasy hair, tattoos, and a motorcycle.

Life After the Conference Grounds

Isn't there a song or a phrase somewhere that says "You can't go home again"? This is the first summer of not living and working at the Conference Grounds after five years in a row of being there. I had to move on because I have school this summer and I wouldn't be able to work there full-time. I figured that visiting frequently would be enough, that it would fill me up with the added benefit of not having to work in the ice cream store under a baking hot sun. I knew that it would feel a little different to be there only every so often, but I didn't expect it to feel this different.

It's not that I feel left out of something great. Technically, I am left out because I don't work there anymore, but I made my peace with that at the end of last summer, so it that part doesn't bother me. I think what's so hard is knowing that I eventually have to go home each time. And home isn't the Conference Grounds. It will always be my heart home, but I don't live there anymore. No matter how much fun I have while I'm visiting my friends there, in the back of my mind, there's that niggling voice that says, "Don't get too happy, you know you'll just have to go home later."

Sometimes it's just too hard, ya know? Being in a place that used to be your place. That place where you fit perfectly, no questions asked. I can go back and visit all I want, but it's not the same. Today, before I left, it physically hurt to be there and know that I couldn't stay. I can't explain where it hurt or why it hurt. It hurt so much that it has made me wonder if it's even worth it to go out there again. Is it worth it to enjoy myself for a few hours and then feel so horribly lonely afterward? In the long run, would I be better off emotionally if I just stayed away? Do the good feelings outweigh the bad ones?

That's what I'm struggling with tonight. I'd have a good cry about it, but we both know that that ain't gonna happen. Sometimes I hold my breath until my heart starts beating really loud just to make sure that it's still going. But ya know what? It is what it is. Good night world, the sun'll come out tomorrow.