This song very succinctly sums up much of what has been occupying my head recently. I was really looking forward to a five-day weekend (aka interim break) before student teaching, but as always, I forgot what all that time off means: time for Andrea's mind to wander and go haywire and start worrying! Every freaking time. That's what the last several days have been full of. Mainly just me freaking out about student teaching and how nervous I am about it.
Let's just say that I'm not very confident about my ability to teach.
I'm good on the whole Spanish thing. I can speak it, I can understand, I can read and write it, but can I teach someone else how to speak/understand/read/write it? I'm not so sure. No, scratch that, I'm completely not sure. Student teaching will be the final test for whether or not this will become my career. I like to think that something else would have tipped me off sooner that I shouldn't pursue teaching, but who knows - maybe I'm just really good at faking things. I'm fairly sure that you can't fake student teaching, though.
I was Skype IMing with a great friend the other night about these exact feelings and when I said to her, "Everything that I've been working toward for 4 years could go up in flames," she responded with
"you're right."
That was SO not the answer I was looking for.
I was kind of upset with her and didn't respond, and then she had to leave and I didn't even say goodbye to her. I feel kind of bad about that. But I'm glad she said that to me, because she's right. I could find out that, after four years, several tests, a freaking lonely semester in Spain, and an entire semester of student teaching, maybe God has a different plan for me. I'm sincerely hoping that this is NOT the case, but if it is, I don't really have a choice, do I? It's not me who should be in charge of my life. I should really start learning to trust the One who sees everything at once and isn't constantly plagued by self-doubt.
This all brings me back to my original thought: no matter what happens, no matter if I am a success or a failure, there will always be someone who thinks I am perfect. Well, no one is perfect, but you know what I mean.
Perfect - P!nk (lyrics)
Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss, no way it's all good, it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look, I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing you are perfect to me
You're so mean when you talk
About yourself, you are wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated, look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, see you do the same
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me
The whole world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we tried, tried, tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics 'cause they're everywhere
They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me
You are perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect to me
Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me
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