S/W/F, 22, ISO BF w/ MP: Single in the Heart of the Calvin Bubble

Let me tell you, the Senior Scramble is in FULL SWING.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with the concept of the "senior scramble," it goes a little like this: In theory, this means that long-established couples tend to get engaged (or even married) during their senior year of college. In reality, it means EVERYWHERE YOU TURN, IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS GETTING ENGAGED AND MARRIED. Relationship changes appear daily on Facebook, engagement photos are everywhere, and save-the-dates arrive by the truckload.

What on earth is the single girl to do?!
a) Scream in frustration.
b) Find a man post-haste.
c) Repress feelings of abject loneliness with several gallons of ice cream.
d) all of the above

Yeeeaahhhh I know the REAL answer is secret option (e), "be patient and wait because God has a plan." But do you know how hard that is? I know some of you do. But some of you got married right out of high school. Or have had a steady boyfriend or girlfriend for the past several years. Or you're so high on single life that you'll probably close out this tab after this paragraph.

But for those of you that feel even remotely the same way I do...I promise this won't be a complain-fest. It will be a touch more sophisticated than that.

My heart is cleanly torn between two feelings. In one corner, I have a deep longing for a boyfriend/husband. Someone to be safe with, someone to alleviate this loneliness. But in the other corner, I am constantly reminded of the famous feminist saying: "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." And that almost makes me feel guilty for supposedly being so needy (at least, according this the standards of this highly individualistic society in which we live).

I can at least take comfort in knowing that I was created to have these feelings, no matter how unpleasant they are at the time. God created marriage specifically for the purpose of bringing two people together so that they wouldn't have to be lonely anymore. It's a relationship that goes so deep that you can only share it with one person. I long for that experience, that adventure of spending the rest of my life getting to know one person and trusting them with my whole self.

I'm aware that outside of the Calvin bubble, it's pretty rare to have these feelings at 22. Most people my age are focused on just having FUN. Dating casually, living day-to-day, maybe getting a college degree, but certainly not keeping their eyes peeled for their future spouse.

Ever since breaking up with my previous boyfriend, whenever people have asked, I've always said, "Nah, I'm too busy right now to have a boyfriend." And that's partially true. Calvin is a lot of work, especially heading into student teaching, and studying in Spain certainly would have been even more difficult than it already was if I had a boyfriend to miss on top of everything else.

But the other truth is that I don't have time to have a boyfriend like the ones I've had before. I can't be in a relationship that demands all of my time and all of my heart. At least, not at first. That was the problem with my last relationship - we pulled each other under far too quickly and we invested too much of our heart and emotions before it was wise to do so. Then, before either one of us realized what had happened, we were in too deep and didn't know how to come back to the surface without hurting ourselves and each other.

Being single is no longer a neutral state of being, at least for the female population. After the break-up, I spent hours upon hours thinking about what had happened and analyzing exactly what went wrong. Once I had sufficiently figured all that out, I knew how I would approach the next relationship and what behavior I would avoid this time around. But here's the thing: How long do I have to wait for this next relationship? The longer singlehood lasts, the more intensely I worry about WHY I'm single. Is it my schedule/lack of social life? Is it one of my personality traits? Or, heaven forbid, does no one find me attractive? (Be honest. No matter how much those inspirational one-liners try to convince you that beauty is all on the inside, you often wonder this too).

Again I come back to the discrepancy of how easy it is to believe the lies and doubts (like the ones I mentioned above) and how hard it is to remember the truth: God DOES have a plan. He's got my whole life mapped out and even though it seems like I am an eternity away from being married, He tells me to be patient. Be patient, I'm leading you two toward each other. Be patient, you'll find each other at the time that I know is best. Be patient, I got this.

It's so hard to remember that. But if I don't, I'd probably go (more) crazy with worrying.

I pray every night that God will reveal to me my husband. Not immediately, because I know THAT'S not going to happen. But I pray that anyway, possibly for my own peace of mind, that God will not make me be single for my entire life. Kind of like how, for a friend of mine who absolutely loves children, I pray that God would protect her and keep her safe and never allow anything to happen that would make her unable to have children.

I like to think that God wouldn't do this though. Maybe that's too arrogant of me, to think I know the mind of God, but God loves us and wants to absolutely shower us with blessings, right? Why would He want to keep me single when being married is one of the deepest desires of my heart? He'd better have a pretty darn big and awesome blessing headed my way if I don't get to be married.

So for now, I have to wait. And stop analyzing everything. Way easier said than done. :)
Thank you for reading through all of this agony. If it helps at least one person, to know that maybe you're not the only one feeling the way you do, then this has been worth it. If people would just be more honest, we'd all find out a lot quicker that most human experiences and emotions are universal. :)