I confess: I am a very analytical, logical, calculating person.
I try to calculate everything.
How long it will take me to travel to a destination based on method of transportation.
How to do a homework assignment in the most efficient way possible.
How much food and/or calories I can get away with eating in a given day.
How to express myself in another language with perfect grammar (challenging) and without offending anyone.
How much time I can waste on the weekends while still leaving enough time to finish homework.
How to get what I want with the smallest amount of imposition on others.
How to get what I want with the least social interaction possible (for example: trying to find out information on a company's website instead of taking 2 minutes to call an employee and ask my question).
How to make people happy.
How to make myself happy.
Some of things are okay to calculate. A few are even very necessary in my life. Others...not so much. I really need to work on not calculating on the one about avoiding social interaction. It frustrates my mom to no end when I drive to say, a video store to see if they have a movie I need instead of just calling the store and asking over the phone.
I'm learning little by little that people and relationships should not be calculated. Certain elements of people and relationships CAN be calculated, such as just how much button-pushing a person can endure before they lose it, or which type of flowers are your sweetheart's favorite, but we really need to leave the relationship as a whole alone.
Here's what I mean: I am someone who very much likes to keep things even and fair. Not necessarily in the sense of revenge and repaying wrongs, but in the sense that I can't stand feeling unequal in a relationship. I constantly worry that I make myself a burden to other people or that I rely too much on them. I make a big deal (to myself) out of making sure that I am supporting a friend just as much as he or she is supporting me. I hate feeling that the relationship weighs too heavily on my side (whether or not it ACTUALLY is that way). In short, I freak out about "repaying" people for kindness or care that they show to me because I have an intense fear of being seen as needy.
For this reason, I try to calculate my friendships. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it!
After a particularly bad night, I was texting back and forth with a close friend of mine about things that were on my mind. It was some pretty emotionally heavy stuff, and I began to worry that I was going too far and putting too much on this friend. I asked her point-blank if I was a burden to her, and she said something interesting to me. She said, "Because we are friends, your burdens are my burdens. But YOU are not a burden. We help each other. We're there for one another. Right now, it's your turn to lean on me. Somewhere down the line, it will be my turn to lean on you. Now stop your worrying and go to sleep."
I typed this response out on my computer and printed it so that I could tape it up on my wall because it's something that I need to constantly remind myself of. I need to just let things be and stop trying to figure them all out. I need to remember that relationships won't always be equal; that it's okay to let them lean one way or the other because LIFE leans one way or the other. I need to trust my friends. I need to trust MYSELF.
Conclusion: It's okay to calculate your bill before you reach the register. It's NOT okay to calculate your friends.
:)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Top 8: Things I Want To Do When I Get To Heaven
8. Meet my great-grandparents from both sides.
7. Walk along the endless shore with no shoes on with a close friend and just talk and talk and talk...
6. See my grandpa with two functioning human legs.
5. Hear all the forms of worship intertwining simultaneously with one another (think the chorus of Prince of Peace/You Are Holy, but times like a billion)
4. Meet the people that have inspired me if I didn't get to meet them while I was on earth.
3. Reunite with all the loved ones that got here before I did.
2. Plan Welcome Home parties for the loved ones that haven't arrived yet.
1. Hug Jesus.
7. Walk along the endless shore with no shoes on with a close friend and just talk and talk and talk...
6. See my grandpa with two functioning human legs.
5. Hear all the forms of worship intertwining simultaneously with one another (think the chorus of Prince of Peace/You Are Holy, but times like a billion)
4. Meet the people that have inspired me if I didn't get to meet them while I was on earth.
3. Reunite with all the loved ones that got here before I did.
2. Plan Welcome Home parties for the loved ones that haven't arrived yet.
1. Hug Jesus.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Psalm 13
I have found this psalm particularly cathartic and meaningful today.
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome her,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Jesus Says
The Enemy says, "You are weak."
Jesus says, "My power is demonstrated perfectly when you're weak." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
The Enemy says, "You'll always be sad."
Jesus says, "One day, you will be happy again. I'm making all things new." (Revelation 21:4)
The Enemy says, "You are worthless."
Jesus says, "I will save you from oppression and violence, for you are precious to me." (Psalm 72:14)
The Enemy says, "You don't belong."
Jesus says, "I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." (Psalm 43:1)
The Enemy says, "You are afraid."
Jesus says, "Don't be afraid. I'm holding your hand and I'll never let go." (Psalm 41:13)
The Enemy says, "You can't do anything."
Jesus says, "You can do all things because I will give you the strength to do them. (Philippians 4:13)
The Enemy says, "Give up."
Jesus says, "Keep going. There is a crown waiting for you." (James 1:12)
The Enemy says, "You are all alone."
Jesus says, "I am with you always. You'll never be alone." (Matthew 28:20, Deuteronomy 31:8)
The Enemy says, "God sure seems far away today."
Jesus says, "Be still. Remember that I am your God and I'm not going anywhere." (Psalm 46:10)
The Enemy says, "Nothing you do is good enough."
Jesus says, "Focus only on working for me, not them. I am well pleased with you." (Colossians 3:23-24)
The Enemy says, "God can't understand your pain."
Jesus says, "I have cried for loved ones, I have been overwhelmed, and I have felt deep sadness in my very soul. I know how you feel." (John 11:35, Matthew 26:38)
The Enemy says, "You should be afraid of death."
Jesus says, "I destroyed death. There's nothing to be afraid of because I am stronger than death."
The Enemy says, "You are tired and weary."
Jesus says, "Put your hope in me. I'll give you new strength and you will fly with me."
The Enemy says, "That anxiety's gonna kill you."
Jesus says, "Heap all your anxiety on me. I care about you and I will give you rest." (1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:29)
The Enemy says, "You are lost. You don't know where you're going."
Jesus says, "I'm right behind you. This is the way. Keep going." (Isaiah 30:21)
The Enemy says, "There's nothing left after this."
Jesus says, "I want you to be with me where I am. I've prepared a place for you to stay for eternity." (John 17:24, John 14:3)
No matter who your enemy is, don't listen to them. Don't believe their lies. God's promises cover each and every one of the lies.
Jesus says, "My power is demonstrated perfectly when you're weak." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
The Enemy says, "You'll always be sad."
Jesus says, "One day, you will be happy again. I'm making all things new." (Revelation 21:4)
The Enemy says, "You are worthless."
Jesus says, "I will save you from oppression and violence, for you are precious to me." (Psalm 72:14)
The Enemy says, "You don't belong."
Jesus says, "I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." (Psalm 43:1)
The Enemy says, "You are afraid."
Jesus says, "Don't be afraid. I'm holding your hand and I'll never let go." (Psalm 41:13)
The Enemy says, "You can't do anything."
Jesus says, "You can do all things because I will give you the strength to do them. (Philippians 4:13)
The Enemy says, "Give up."
Jesus says, "Keep going. There is a crown waiting for you." (James 1:12)
The Enemy says, "You are all alone."
Jesus says, "I am with you always. You'll never be alone." (Matthew 28:20, Deuteronomy 31:8)
The Enemy says, "God sure seems far away today."
Jesus says, "Be still. Remember that I am your God and I'm not going anywhere." (Psalm 46:10)
The Enemy says, "Nothing you do is good enough."
Jesus says, "Focus only on working for me, not them. I am well pleased with you." (Colossians 3:23-24)
The Enemy says, "God can't understand your pain."
Jesus says, "I have cried for loved ones, I have been overwhelmed, and I have felt deep sadness in my very soul. I know how you feel." (John 11:35, Matthew 26:38)
The Enemy says, "You should be afraid of death."
Jesus says, "I destroyed death. There's nothing to be afraid of because I am stronger than death."
The Enemy says, "You are tired and weary."
Jesus says, "Put your hope in me. I'll give you new strength and you will fly with me."
The Enemy says, "That anxiety's gonna kill you."
Jesus says, "Heap all your anxiety on me. I care about you and I will give you rest." (1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:29)
The Enemy says, "You are lost. You don't know where you're going."
Jesus says, "I'm right behind you. This is the way. Keep going." (Isaiah 30:21)
The Enemy says, "There's nothing left after this."
Jesus says, "I want you to be with me where I am. I've prepared a place for you to stay for eternity." (John 17:24, John 14:3)
No matter who your enemy is, don't listen to them. Don't believe their lies. God's promises cover each and every one of the lies.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Facing the Giant
If David could defeat his giant with one smooth stone...
So can I.
Break the silence. Break the stigma.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Valió la Pena, Parte IV: An Indictment of All the People Who Ever Told You That You Couldn't Do Something
Wow, it's been quite awhile since I made a post to this blog. In that time, I have...
- had a birthday. woo hoo 22!
- made several new friends in this apartment and in classes.
- gotten hooked on several new television shows instead of doing homework
- started taking Cymbalta. I like to think of each pill as a stone in my sling against my giant.
- begun a education class "lab" at Burton Middle School.
So let's talk some more about this "lab." We are supposed to work with the students in the after-school program for 2 hours and create activities that promote literacy. The 30 students in the two EDUC 307 classes are spread out over the five days of the school week between Burton MS and Martin Luther King School. So far, at the end of a week and a half in our schools, the results range from "phenomenal success" to "Is that a plane I see crashing and burning on the ground?"
My partner Liz and I have found ourselves closer to the "phenomenal success" side of the spectrum. The first week was a bit chaotic because we didn't really know what was expected of us in terms of activities, perceived authority, and the fact that we were split up in different classes. Liz actually managed to get some stuff done with her students, but my students were pretty set on playing Guesstures for most of the class time. Nevertheless, I was able to learn a few of their names, hear about what they like to do, and get wild and crazy with the charades.
This week, things went MUCH more smoothly. Liz and I planned activities that would be engaging and interesting for the 6th graders that I worked with last week with the understanding that we would both stay in the 6th grade class. After two hours of word searches, math homework, Red Light Green Light, a game where each student had to ask questions and guess the name of the animal that was written on a card taped to his or her back, a dramatic/hysterical reading and acting out of The Frog Prince, and a game of Princess (formerly known as Hangman) where the princess neither dies nor gets injured, we decided that the afternoon was a success as far as literacy goes.
Miss Pat, the coordinator for the 6th graders, told us that she was very impressed with the organization, effort, and enthusiasm that the Calvin students have been bringing to the after-school program. For those that aren't familiar with Grand Rapids (or at least, its education system), Burton MS is what would be considered an inner-city school. Furthermore, the ethnic makeup of each class is predominantly African-American and Hispanic, which is a reflection of the population of that area of the city. There is not a single Caucasian student in our 6th grade after-school class. Families of Burton MS are on the lower end of the financial spectrum, and many are living below the poverty level.
An interesting factor that I hadn't given much thought to when we had "orientation" for our lab was the fact that the Burton MS area has a high Spanish-speaking population. And I'm a Spanish MAJOR! I didn't even consider what that would mean or how that would be manifested in a classroom. This week, when Liz and I were introducing ourselves, I mentioned that I was going to college to become a Spanish teacher. One of the other coordinators asked if I spoke Spanish, and I replied with
“Sí, hablo español. Viví en España el semestre pasado por cuatro meses y medio con una familia española, así que fue una experiencia de inmersión. Aprendí la mayoría de mi español allí, especialmente la conversación. Si ustedes creen que pueden hablar en español para evitar que los maestros no les entiendan y se confundan, no olviden que yo también hablo español.” (Yes, I speak Spanish. I lived in Spain last semester for 4 and a half months with a Spanish family, so it was kind of an immersion experience. I learned the majority of my Spanish there, especially conversation. If you guys think that you can speak in Spanish so that your teachers can't understand you and get confused, don't forget that I speak Spanish too.)
- had a birthday. woo hoo 22!
- made several new friends in this apartment and in classes.
- gotten hooked on several new television shows instead of doing homework
- started taking Cymbalta. I like to think of each pill as a stone in my sling against my giant.
- begun a education class "lab" at Burton Middle School.
So let's talk some more about this "lab." We are supposed to work with the students in the after-school program for 2 hours and create activities that promote literacy. The 30 students in the two EDUC 307 classes are spread out over the five days of the school week between Burton MS and Martin Luther King School. So far, at the end of a week and a half in our schools, the results range from "phenomenal success" to "Is that a plane I see crashing and burning on the ground?"
My partner Liz and I have found ourselves closer to the "phenomenal success" side of the spectrum. The first week was a bit chaotic because we didn't really know what was expected of us in terms of activities, perceived authority, and the fact that we were split up in different classes. Liz actually managed to get some stuff done with her students, but my students were pretty set on playing Guesstures for most of the class time. Nevertheless, I was able to learn a few of their names, hear about what they like to do, and get wild and crazy with the charades.
This week, things went MUCH more smoothly. Liz and I planned activities that would be engaging and interesting for the 6th graders that I worked with last week with the understanding that we would both stay in the 6th grade class. After two hours of word searches, math homework, Red Light Green Light, a game where each student had to ask questions and guess the name of the animal that was written on a card taped to his or her back, a dramatic/hysterical reading and acting out of The Frog Prince, and a game of Princess (formerly known as Hangman) where the princess neither dies nor gets injured, we decided that the afternoon was a success as far as literacy goes.
Miss Pat, the coordinator for the 6th graders, told us that she was very impressed with the organization, effort, and enthusiasm that the Calvin students have been bringing to the after-school program. For those that aren't familiar with Grand Rapids (or at least, its education system), Burton MS is what would be considered an inner-city school. Furthermore, the ethnic makeup of each class is predominantly African-American and Hispanic, which is a reflection of the population of that area of the city. There is not a single Caucasian student in our 6th grade after-school class. Families of Burton MS are on the lower end of the financial spectrum, and many are living below the poverty level.
An interesting factor that I hadn't given much thought to when we had "orientation" for our lab was the fact that the Burton MS area has a high Spanish-speaking population. And I'm a Spanish MAJOR! I didn't even consider what that would mean or how that would be manifested in a classroom. This week, when Liz and I were introducing ourselves, I mentioned that I was going to college to become a Spanish teacher. One of the other coordinators asked if I spoke Spanish, and I replied with
“Sí, hablo español. Viví en España el semestre pasado por cuatro meses y medio con una familia española, así que fue una experiencia de inmersión. Aprendí la mayoría de mi español allí, especialmente la conversación. Si ustedes creen que pueden hablar en español para evitar que los maestros no les entiendan y se confundan, no olviden que yo también hablo español.” (Yes, I speak Spanish. I lived in Spain last semester for 4 and a half months with a Spanish family, so it was kind of an immersion experience. I learned the majority of my Spanish there, especially conversation. If you guys think that you can speak in Spanish so that your teachers can't understand you and get confused, don't forget that I speak Spanish too.)
After that, there was sort of a power shift. I have a feeling that with some of the teachers, the students have a slice of power when it comes to language. They can speak a language that their teachers and other students don't understand, which means that they have a small piece of control in a situation where they typically wouldn't have control. Now that they know that I speak Spanish, I'm hoping that they will be discouraged from misbehaving. I already got a chance to test out this theory when one of the boys turned to his neighbor and told him he thought that our activity was dumb. I asked him, in Spanish, why he thought the activity was dumb, and he backed down from accusation.
I'm also hoping that my Spanish can become a bridge to the students that we otherwise may not have been able to reach. While the students were working on a word search, I sat down with a few of the girls and started talking to them in Spanish. I asked if they'd be interested in doing bilingual activities if we could work in teams of English and Spanish speakers. Even though Burton MS is a bilingual school (signs and information are dispensed in both languages), the curriculum is not necessarily taught in both languages. They said they'd LOVE that because they don't get a chance to speak Spanish at school in class. One of the girls told me that she's not very good at language arts in English, which makes me wonder if language arts in Spanish would better showcase her strengths. I have to work toward promoting literacy in the Spanish content area anyway, so I think this would be a great way to do that. Our overall goal is to show the students that they each have a subject are that they are skilled in, and we just have to find that subject.
Sadly, most of our students are not expected to go to college, and even in 6th grade, they're aware of that fact. I was working with one of the boys on his math homework and I had to confess to him that I didn't know how to answer one of the questions. He said, "Come on, don't you have math class in college?" And I replied by saying that I hadn't taken any math since high school because I didn't need to take math in college for my program. He was astounded. He said he didn't like math, and I said, "well hopefully when you get to college, you won't have to take math either. You can choose a major that doesn't have ANYTHING to do with math!" and he just looked at me.
--"When I get to college?"
"Yeah, after high school."
--"What do you mean? I don't think I'm going to college."
"Well, why not?"
--"Because it's too expensive."
"Well, lots of colleges offer scholarships, which is free money that you can get based on your grades from high school, or for practicing a certain skill, or even for having a Hispanic background, like you!"
--"I still don't think I can go. I'll have to work and make money, like my parents. They work a lot. That's why I have to be here instead of at home after school."
"Did you know that lots of college offer jobs to students that are right nearby? You can take classes and work like 10 hours a week too. That's what I do. You can also take loans out, where you pay the money back later after you graduate and get a job. Got any more reasons to not go to college?"
--". . . . . . . . . . . I'm not smart enough. No one from my family has ever gone to college."
"Who told you you weren't smart enough?"
--"My dad."
"Josue, do you WANT to go to college? If there was nothing stopping you, would you go?"
--"Well, yeah. I don't want to be a car mechanic."
"Then there's nothing stopping you. You are smart. You can get scholarships. You can get a part-time job. You can get help with school when you need it. You can do anything you decide you want to do. You know why? Because I believe in you."
--"Really?"
"Really. Now let's ask Jesse if he understands this math problem and maybe he can help us."
Even if these kids forget that Liz and I came and played games with them and acted like animals and made general fools of ourselves, I hope that they will remember that two people believed in them and told them that they could do anything.
To me, that is what teaching is all about.
Sadly, most of our students are not expected to go to college, and even in 6th grade, they're aware of that fact. I was working with one of the boys on his math homework and I had to confess to him that I didn't know how to answer one of the questions. He said, "Come on, don't you have math class in college?" And I replied by saying that I hadn't taken any math since high school because I didn't need to take math in college for my program. He was astounded. He said he didn't like math, and I said, "well hopefully when you get to college, you won't have to take math either. You can choose a major that doesn't have ANYTHING to do with math!" and he just looked at me.
--"When I get to college?"
"Yeah, after high school."
--"What do you mean? I don't think I'm going to college."
"Well, why not?"
--"Because it's too expensive."
"Well, lots of colleges offer scholarships, which is free money that you can get based on your grades from high school, or for practicing a certain skill, or even for having a Hispanic background, like you!"
--"I still don't think I can go. I'll have to work and make money, like my parents. They work a lot. That's why I have to be here instead of at home after school."
"Did you know that lots of college offer jobs to students that are right nearby? You can take classes and work like 10 hours a week too. That's what I do. You can also take loans out, where you pay the money back later after you graduate and get a job. Got any more reasons to not go to college?"
--". . . . . . . . . . . I'm not smart enough. No one from my family has ever gone to college."
"Who told you you weren't smart enough?"
--"My dad."
"Josue, do you WANT to go to college? If there was nothing stopping you, would you go?"
--"Well, yeah. I don't want to be a car mechanic."
"Then there's nothing stopping you. You are smart. You can get scholarships. You can get a part-time job. You can get help with school when you need it. You can do anything you decide you want to do. You know why? Because I believe in you."
--"Really?"
"Really. Now let's ask Jesse if he understands this math problem and maybe he can help us."
Even if these kids forget that Liz and I came and played games with them and acted like animals and made general fools of ourselves, I hope that they will remember that two people believed in them and told them that they could do anything.
To me, that is what teaching is all about.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
This Battle Doesn't Belong to Me Anymore
I don't usually go to LOFT, which is Calvin's Sunday night service. Tonight, I'm very glad I did.
The theme for tonight was 'David and Goliath.' We read through the story, complete with Pastor Mary's hilarious embellishments, and after that was done, we got down to business: she asked us, point-blank, what our giants are. What are the giants that we are afraid to admit to anyone?
Struggling in school?
Fear?
Feeling out of place?
Eating disorder?
Pornography?
Self-doubt?
Self-injury?
Anxiety?
The list goes on. Pastor Mary looked us in the eyes and said "This giant is not yours to face. This battle doesn't belong to you. David trusted God to deliver him from Goliath, and he wants you to trust God to take care of your giant too. You can trust Him. He can do anything. ANYTHING. Nothing that you are facing is too big for him to destroy."
She then invited students to share the giants that they face every day and to claim the power that God has in store for us. One after another, people shared stories of fear, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, identity crises, loneliness, out-of-place-ness, and other things. These brave students publicly (and very, very bravely) shared their giants with us and claimed God's protection, strength, and healing. I was sitting there in awe of their bravery and I knew I would never have the courage to do that in front of all my peers.
But as the service came to a close, and the time had passed for me to share, I thought, why can't I have that courage? I just need to ask, right? I don't need to be afraid. And even if I am afraid, I don't have to let it consume me. I can stand up and be strong. With God's help.
So here goes. I'm going to tell you the story of my giant.
I've been fighting depression since I started college. One thousand one hundred and eight days of feeling worthless, heavy-laden, and afraid. Not every single day was a bad day, but having several good days in a row was a very rare occurrence. My outlook was bleak. It was hard to just get out of bed every day. It is STILL hard to get out of bed every day. God picked me up and set me on my feet every morning, but it was hard to remember that and be thankful.
I was incredibly lonely throughout my time at GRCC. I was living at home, almost all of my friends were living the high life away at college, and I was in the same place I was back in high school. Just without friends and with little social interaction outside of my family. I began to cling to the moments of going out for coffee, visiting friends' dorms, and seeing them for just a few minutes every week. I clung to them with everything I had because I was drowning in loneliness.
When I transferred to Calvin, I hoped that the intentionality of creating community would pull me out of my loneliness. I was able to see my friends from high school on a more regular basis, but they had moved on and made new friends, as they rightly should have. I tried to assimilate myself into their new groups, but I've never been very good at that, and I always had a voice in my head saying You're an outsider. You're never going to fit in with these people. Stop trying.
My first semester of living on campus (fall semester, junior year) did not go as planned. I knew that where I was living was not going to be the same as the dorm experience is for many students. I was hoping to meet some new people, have people to hang out with, and maybe make some friends. I had no roommate, and therefore spent a LOT of time alone. At this point, all the people my age had moved off campus as I was moving on. They were busy with their own lives, I was busy with mine, and our schedules always slid past each other. For this reason, I was hoping to make some new friends from my building.
I met a total of 6 people that semester who lived in my building. 6. 2 were RAs. 2 of them were the guys across the hall who constantly played their music too loud with their doors wide open. The other two were girls that I got along with pretty well, but both graduated that semester and I haven't seen them since. I constantly told myself that I should be more sociable and more outgoing, but I didn't know how. That voice was telling me Who would want to be your friend? What does anyone see in you? How did you have friends in the first place? People are too busy for you because they don't want to spend their time on you.
You can imagine my enthusiasm to spend a semester in Spain, where I knew 2 people in the group of students and where everything very suddenly and very harshly became an unknown. It was the longest 18 weeks of my life. I experienced my very worst fights with depression while I was there, and it's only by the grace of God that I survived them and emerged, a little worse for wear. I thank God for the help He sent me along the way, in the form of my classmates, and I've already written a tribute to them on this blog (search on the right hand side under May for 'Living with Lions' for more about this topic). I would have given in to the temptation to end it (in more ways than one) had it not been for them. Dark times. But God's light shined brighter, even when I had trouble seeing it. There was one person in particular who held her light out to me day after day, and I don't thank her enough for it. I thank my God every time I remember her and I'll be forever grateful that God crossed our paths in Spain and continues to cross them now.
Summers were the blazing light in my school year darkness. I have spent each of the last 4 working at the Conference Grounds and it has blessed my life beyond description. I have found a second family there and friends that have walked beside me through this fight. It really says something about a summer job when you long to see your co-workers during the school year. The Conference Grounds is synonymous with community. The staff is a family, and the campers get to become a part of that family. I'm so thankful for them. Without this job, there would be no break from my despair. This is not to say that I never felt depression while at the Conference Grounds. Far from it. But I knew there was always someone who would be there for me, holding out their light to me, ready to walk beside me for as long as I needed them to.
That brings us to this moment, two weeks into my senior year of college. 1,108 days of fighting this beast called depression. Some days I won. I overcame it temporarily. Most days, I was defeated, but held on long enough to go to bed and hope for victory the next day. The beast has been gaining strength over the last several days, and I'm not sure why, but today was one of the worst days. Almost on the same scale as the days in Spain. But after experiencing the power that the others claimed for their lives at LOFT tonight, I want to claim it too.
I will not let the beast destroy me.
I will not give in because of fear.
I will not hide from it.
I will claim God's power and strength.
I will not let anyone look down on me because of the things I have shared.
I will not listen to the voice anymore. In fact, voice, you're banished. Get outta here.
I will try to live with courage every day.
I will be brave.
I will give this battle to God.
I will wait on Him.
I will seek rest.
If you've been able to read all of this, it means I clicked "publish" instead of "discard." Right now, even as I type, I'm having second thoughts.
But the giant ahead of me is NOTHING compared to the God behind me.
Deep breath. Go.
The theme for tonight was 'David and Goliath.' We read through the story, complete with Pastor Mary's hilarious embellishments, and after that was done, we got down to business: she asked us, point-blank, what our giants are. What are the giants that we are afraid to admit to anyone?
Struggling in school?
Fear?
Feeling out of place?
Eating disorder?
Pornography?
Self-doubt?
Self-injury?
Anxiety?
The list goes on. Pastor Mary looked us in the eyes and said "This giant is not yours to face. This battle doesn't belong to you. David trusted God to deliver him from Goliath, and he wants you to trust God to take care of your giant too. You can trust Him. He can do anything. ANYTHING. Nothing that you are facing is too big for him to destroy."
She then invited students to share the giants that they face every day and to claim the power that God has in store for us. One after another, people shared stories of fear, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, identity crises, loneliness, out-of-place-ness, and other things. These brave students publicly (and very, very bravely) shared their giants with us and claimed God's protection, strength, and healing. I was sitting there in awe of their bravery and I knew I would never have the courage to do that in front of all my peers.
But as the service came to a close, and the time had passed for me to share, I thought, why can't I have that courage? I just need to ask, right? I don't need to be afraid. And even if I am afraid, I don't have to let it consume me. I can stand up and be strong. With God's help.
So here goes. I'm going to tell you the story of my giant.
I've been fighting depression since I started college. One thousand one hundred and eight days of feeling worthless, heavy-laden, and afraid. Not every single day was a bad day, but having several good days in a row was a very rare occurrence. My outlook was bleak. It was hard to just get out of bed every day. It is STILL hard to get out of bed every day. God picked me up and set me on my feet every morning, but it was hard to remember that and be thankful.
I was incredibly lonely throughout my time at GRCC. I was living at home, almost all of my friends were living the high life away at college, and I was in the same place I was back in high school. Just without friends and with little social interaction outside of my family. I began to cling to the moments of going out for coffee, visiting friends' dorms, and seeing them for just a few minutes every week. I clung to them with everything I had because I was drowning in loneliness.
When I transferred to Calvin, I hoped that the intentionality of creating community would pull me out of my loneliness. I was able to see my friends from high school on a more regular basis, but they had moved on and made new friends, as they rightly should have. I tried to assimilate myself into their new groups, but I've never been very good at that, and I always had a voice in my head saying You're an outsider. You're never going to fit in with these people. Stop trying.
My first semester of living on campus (fall semester, junior year) did not go as planned. I knew that where I was living was not going to be the same as the dorm experience is for many students. I was hoping to meet some new people, have people to hang out with, and maybe make some friends. I had no roommate, and therefore spent a LOT of time alone. At this point, all the people my age had moved off campus as I was moving on. They were busy with their own lives, I was busy with mine, and our schedules always slid past each other. For this reason, I was hoping to make some new friends from my building.
I met a total of 6 people that semester who lived in my building. 6. 2 were RAs. 2 of them were the guys across the hall who constantly played their music too loud with their doors wide open. The other two were girls that I got along with pretty well, but both graduated that semester and I haven't seen them since. I constantly told myself that I should be more sociable and more outgoing, but I didn't know how. That voice was telling me Who would want to be your friend? What does anyone see in you? How did you have friends in the first place? People are too busy for you because they don't want to spend their time on you.
You can imagine my enthusiasm to spend a semester in Spain, where I knew 2 people in the group of students and where everything very suddenly and very harshly became an unknown. It was the longest 18 weeks of my life. I experienced my very worst fights with depression while I was there, and it's only by the grace of God that I survived them and emerged, a little worse for wear. I thank God for the help He sent me along the way, in the form of my classmates, and I've already written a tribute to them on this blog (search on the right hand side under May for 'Living with Lions' for more about this topic). I would have given in to the temptation to end it (in more ways than one) had it not been for them. Dark times. But God's light shined brighter, even when I had trouble seeing it. There was one person in particular who held her light out to me day after day, and I don't thank her enough for it. I thank my God every time I remember her and I'll be forever grateful that God crossed our paths in Spain and continues to cross them now.
Summers were the blazing light in my school year darkness. I have spent each of the last 4 working at the Conference Grounds and it has blessed my life beyond description. I have found a second family there and friends that have walked beside me through this fight. It really says something about a summer job when you long to see your co-workers during the school year. The Conference Grounds is synonymous with community. The staff is a family, and the campers get to become a part of that family. I'm so thankful for them. Without this job, there would be no break from my despair. This is not to say that I never felt depression while at the Conference Grounds. Far from it. But I knew there was always someone who would be there for me, holding out their light to me, ready to walk beside me for as long as I needed them to.
That brings us to this moment, two weeks into my senior year of college. 1,108 days of fighting this beast called depression. Some days I won. I overcame it temporarily. Most days, I was defeated, but held on long enough to go to bed and hope for victory the next day. The beast has been gaining strength over the last several days, and I'm not sure why, but today was one of the worst days. Almost on the same scale as the days in Spain. But after experiencing the power that the others claimed for their lives at LOFT tonight, I want to claim it too.
I will not let the beast destroy me.
I will not give in because of fear.
I will not hide from it.
I will claim God's power and strength.
I will not let anyone look down on me because of the things I have shared.
I will not listen to the voice anymore. In fact, voice, you're banished. Get outta here.
I will try to live with courage every day.
I will be brave.
I will give this battle to God.
I will wait on Him.
I will seek rest.
If you've been able to read all of this, it means I clicked "publish" instead of "discard." Right now, even as I type, I'm having second thoughts.
But the giant ahead of me is NOTHING compared to the God behind me.
Deep breath. Go.
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