7 Reasons That Young Adults Might Be Leaving Your Church

It seems that the CRC has been having a problem lately with their young adults (ages 18-25). As in, they are leaving in droves. They head off to college and then they don't come back. The powers that be have been discussing this issue for a while now and as I was sitting in church this morning, I put together a list of reasons that young adults are peacing out.

1. Many churches have little or no ministry aimed at young adults. This is a cyclical problem: if there is no young adult community, they'll leave; and if there's no one around to join a YA ministry, it will be difficult to get one started.
2. Similar to #1, many churches have little or no ministry that support single young adults. The CRC is really good at promoting families and marriage, but not so good at validating singlehood. It's very hard to find your place in a community where almost everyone is engaged or married and asks you, "Are you dating anyone? Have you found the Right One yet? Are you putting yourself out there?" My suggestion: a solid ministry for singles. Not everyone wants to get married. Not everyone can get married. And for those YAs that do want to get married but aren't dating anyone, you need a place where they feel validated and welcome.
3. Young adults may not see themselves represented among those leading worship, teaching church school, and serving in other positions. It's hard to picture yourself in a leadership position if your examples seem so different from you.
4. If there are few young adults in your church to begin with, the YAs that are there may feel like they don't belong. As the median age of a given church rises and members become more conservative, younger members may find themselves having to keep silent when their views differ from the collective standpoint of the church on key issues. Instead of voicing their viewpoints and risking the fallout, YAs may find it easier to simply find another church, or leave the Church altogether.
5. One in ten young adults experience depression sometime between the ages of 18 and 25. Between the demands of college, the jump into the workforce, moving away from home, and learning to be their own person, many YAs don't know how to cope. Depression is a topic that churches tend to stay far away from. Some churches go so far as to blame people who are depressed, saying that if they were better Christians, they wouldn't be depressed. Not okay, guys.
6. It's getting a little better, but historically, the church has been non-inclusive of the LGBTQQIAA community. That's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Allies, and Asexual, if you're having trouble keeping track. I'm not gonna lay out the arguments for and against tolerating homosexuality in the Church, but just know that there are gay and lesbian Christians out there (and more of them than you might think) and it's difficult for them to feel Christ's love when the church doesn't show it.
7. Young adults have changed and the Church hasn't. That is, the years of young adulthood are characterized by change: change in environment, change in employment, change in family, change in friends, change in education, change in conscience, change in pretty much everything. When they come back to a church after being away for a while, it can be disorienting. They may still know the people, but they might feel like those people don't know them anymore. They may not even know themselves anymore. The Church is supposed to be the place where you feel at home, right? Where you'll be accepted, no matter what, right?  Where you'll be embraced with all of the stuff you've been through, right? If the Church doesn't want to change, it must at least be willing to understand and accept its sinners, just the way they are. After all, aren't we all just community of imperfect people?

A Mostly Cost-Free Guide to Raising an Achievement-Oriented Drug-Free Adult Virgin

This is an adaption from Bossypants, by Tina Fey and all tips come from experience.

1. Get her interested in spelling bees. There's nothing more desirable than a girl who spends her free time poring over national-level spelling lists.
2. Let her take care of her own unibrow/eyebrows. It might feel like it's impossible to resist the urge to pin her down and do some radical plucking, but just let her figure it out.
3. Foster her aptitude for music by encouraging her to be a musician herself so that she need not cavort with musicians later on.
4. Do not buy her a car of her own. Give her permission to drive the family car. She'll think twice about making out with some guy behind the Taco Bell in the back of the car that you all go to Grandma's house in.
5. Her first cell phone should come with her driver's license. But mom! All of the kids in my class have cell phones! Well, if all the kids in your class had chlamydia, would you want that too?
6. Her first laptop should come with her high school diploma. Reasoning, see above.
7. Don't install internet site blocking software. That will show her that you don't trust her to make good web-surfing choices. Do put the computer in a shared open space. That will show her that you intend to monitor her good web-surfing choices.
8. Cultivate a healthy fear of unplanned pregnancies and sexually-transmitted infections.
9. Convince her that living at home during her college years is a fabulous economically intelligent decision.
10. Travel the country during the summer so that she can brag to her classmates about all the national parks, landmarks, forests, monuments, and historic centers she's been to.
11. If she's not using makeup, don't encourage her to. You'll save both of you a lot of money. Plus. she probably doesn't need it and is beautiful just the way she is.
12. Strong father figure / a fear thereof. She's gotta be afraid of what will happen if she doesn't brush her teeth or lets bugs into the house by leaving the door open.
13. Let it be known that she'll be disowned if she comes home pregnant and unwed.
14. Push those AP and honors classes and encourage her to do her best in all things school-related.
15. Give her love and validation (especially you dads) so that she doesn't need to find it from that creep down the road with long greasy hair, tattoos, and a motorcycle.

Life After the Conference Grounds

Isn't there a song or a phrase somewhere that says "You can't go home again"? This is the first summer of not living and working at the Conference Grounds after five years in a row of being there. I had to move on because I have school this summer and I wouldn't be able to work there full-time. I figured that visiting frequently would be enough, that it would fill me up with the added benefit of not having to work in the ice cream store under a baking hot sun. I knew that it would feel a little different to be there only every so often, but I didn't expect it to feel this different.

It's not that I feel left out of something great. Technically, I am left out because I don't work there anymore, but I made my peace with that at the end of last summer, so it that part doesn't bother me. I think what's so hard is knowing that I eventually have to go home each time. And home isn't the Conference Grounds. It will always be my heart home, but I don't live there anymore. No matter how much fun I have while I'm visiting my friends there, in the back of my mind, there's that niggling voice that says, "Don't get too happy, you know you'll just have to go home later."

Sometimes it's just too hard, ya know? Being in a place that used to be your place. That place where you fit perfectly, no questions asked. I can go back and visit all I want, but it's not the same. Today, before I left, it physically hurt to be there and know that I couldn't stay. I can't explain where it hurt or why it hurt. It hurt so much that it has made me wonder if it's even worth it to go out there again. Is it worth it to enjoy myself for a few hours and then feel so horribly lonely afterward? In the long run, would I be better off emotionally if I just stayed away? Do the good feelings outweigh the bad ones?

That's what I'm struggling with tonight. I'd have a good cry about it, but we both know that that ain't gonna happen. Sometimes I hold my breath until my heart starts beating really loud just to make sure that it's still going. But ya know what? It is what it is. Good night world, the sun'll come out tomorrow.

A Prayer For You On This Fathers' Day

Today is the day when everyone remembers their dad, sends cards and presents, and gives hugs, either in person or in long-distance.

But for those of you for whom Fathers' Day hurts, this post is for you.

For the kids who are far away from their dads, whether it's miles or continents, I pray that the distance won't seem so great and that there will be a way for you to connect with your dad.
For the kids whose fathers have died, I pray that your grief will not drown you and that your happy memories of Dad will hold you up.
For the kids who have never known their fathers, I pray that you would be able to forget the reasons that you don't know your dad and appreciate the chromosomes he passed along.
For the kids who don't get to see their dads very often, I pray that you will be able to celebrate your dad the next time you see him as fully as you would have celebrated him today.
For the kids whose fathers have hurt them, I pray that this day would not remind you of that pain.

For the fathers whose children have died, I pray that your grief will not overtake you and that you will remember that you will always be their dad.
For the stepfathers, I pray that you will appreciate your stepchildren for who they are, forgive them when they treat you badly, and be the strong role model they need.
For the fathers who don't get to see their kids very often, I pray that the time you do spend with your kids can be as special as it would have been today and that being away won't hurt too much.

For all of you whose Fathers' Day is less than ideal...I'm praying for you.

Spotlight

 W

e
l
l,
b
a
c
k
to
the
spot-
light.
I bet you
can't believe
that you're here
again. It's like it all comes rushing back, as
if four years ago was yesterday. I bet you never in a million
years thought you'd have to go through all of this again. Everyone is hurt.
Everyone is upset. Everyone feels lost. People you have never met are following this story
on the edge of their seats. "Gortsema" has become a household name, whispered speculations and whispered prayers. Even people who have never met Riley know her story, know what she's been through, know what you've been through. And the question remains: Why? Why her? Why now? Why you? Why, God? Why did this happen? Why? The questions will drive you crazy. They say that, in this kind of situation, all you can do is pray. But they never tell you how to pray when you can't find the words. It's easy to say, "She's in Heaven," but that doesn't really help you, does it? She's not here. "She's not suffering anymore," they'll say. But such small comfort that is. It's okay to want her back. It's okay to want both of them back. "God bears your pain," but it's pretty hard to understand that when
it feels like God disappeared. And in the end,
together with your pain and confusion, you're
back in this hellish spotlight.

It's Okay.

This is a list of things you don't hear in our culture.

1. It's okay to not go to college after you finish high school. 
2. It's okay to stop going to college if it's not the thing for you. 
3. It's okay to take a year off from school if you're not sure what you're doing there in the first place. And if that year turns into several years or not going back at all, that's okay too. 
4. It's okay to go to community college. They are just as academically rigorous as 4-year state colleges. Their quality is just as high. And hello, they cost a fraction of the price of other colleges! 
5. It's okay to not know what you want to do when you graduate from high school.
6. It's okay to not know what you want to do when you graduate from college.
7. It's okay to not get perfect grades. Your grades don't define you. 
8. It's okay to fail. It doesn't make you a failure. 
9. It's okay to not like kids. 
10. It's okay to not want to have kids. 
11. It's okay to work a job that doesn't give you lots of money, especially if you love that job. 
12. It's okay to not be happy all the time. 
13. It's okay to live with your parents (though you should probably check with them as to how long their welcome will last). 
14. It's okay to not fulfill everyone else's expectations all the time. 
15. It's okay to not fulfill your own expectations all the time. 
16. It's okay to feel far away from God from time to time. 
17. It's okay to wonder if God even cares about what happens to you. 
18. It's okay to cry, even for guys. It's not a sign of weakness.
19. It's okay to not be perfect. 
20. It's okay to not be doing great things all the time. 
21. It's okay to be you. 

Doing Great Things All The Time

If there is one thing that I have learned from this season of my life, it is this:

"Andrea, you can't always be doing great things all the time."

My therapist said that to me a couple of weeks ago after listening to my umpteenth complaint about how bored and frustrated and sad I felt with my life. I'm not in school for the first spring in 18 years, I don't work during the day, and I simply don't have much to DO. I watch a lot of TV. I read a lot of books. I check my email obsessively so that I won't miss any important WMU news or deadlines. I spend a lot of time next door playing with the kids because they are so much more interesting than my own house. I even started exercising.

Yes. EXERCISING.

About two weeks after moving back home, I began to feel extremely depressed about doing so little with my life. I was looking for a daytime job that wouldn't interfere with my afternoon and night jobs, but with very little luck. It was cold and snowy and gray and lifeless outside, which mirrored perfectly the way I felt inside. Hearing that I had been accepted to my master's program helped to ease my anxiety about the future, but it changed into a different kind of waiting that was only slightly easier to tolerate. My future was safely on track, it just hadn't started moving forward yet.

I've felt that motionlessness very deeply. My minecart of life is at a standstill on the tracks between the junctions of college and grad school. It has coasted to a stop and I'm very afraid that my little minecart has lost all of the momentum it had gained through all those years of school. I'm afraid that it will be hard to push my minecart into motion and keep it moving. So much of my life during the past few months has felt slow, monotonous, and unexciting. I never ever ever thought that I would say this, but I miss having schoolwork. I miss being occupied. I miss moving at the speed of light.

"You can't always be doing great things all the time."

If you are not familiar with Calvin College and its culture, that idea might seem like a no-brainer. Duh. You can't do great things all the time because then you'd be exhausted and always trying to out-do yourself and you'd never be satisfied. Somehow, though, when you're inside the Calvin bubble, you can delude yourself. People at Calvin and from Calvin seem to always be doing great things all the time. There are posters everywhere urging you to join this club, attend this seminar, participate in this awareness event, get involved with this ministry, on and on and on. The school's website has an entire News and Stories division devoted to showing the great things that their graduates are doing all the time. This person is single-handedly building wells in this remote village in Africa. This person is mapping this mysterious portion of the brain and discovering what it does. This person is teaching entire immigrant communities how to read English. This person just became an ambassador to the United Nations. On and on and on.

If they did a News and Stories story about me, it would be embarrassingly disappointing. "This person wakes up at 10:00 every morning but usually stays in bed til 11 because she can't think of any reason to get out of bed. She has watched the entire series of Law and Order: SVU beginning to end (that's thirteen seasons). Sometimes she eats lunch; sometimes she doesn't have an appetite. She leaves for work around 3:00 during the week, and curses the snow up and down for wreaking havoc with her little car. Here's something exciting! She got stuck in her employer's driveway on afternoon and slid backward into a tree, destroying a taillight and part of her rear bumper. The tree is fine, though, so don't worry."

I love Calvin dearly, but sometimes their idealism spins out of control. Its entire mission is to redeem the WORLD, aka do great things. Math class is not just math class, it is "changing the world through math." Spanish class is not just Spanish class, it is "ministering to Spanish-speaking people who don't know Jesus and changing the world." Education classes are not just education classes, they are "being the best teacher the world has ever seen and bringing God's light to every student and, of course, changing the world." The people of Calvin can usually make a joke out of this idealism and optimism and redeem-it-all-ism, but at the end of the day, it gets stuck in your head like the reviled, overplayed song on the radio that everyone is sick of.

You can imagine my surprise after spending a few weeks at home, living life in a much lower gear, and feeling horribly inadequate. Here I was, a bilingual college graduate with a teaching certificate, for crying out loud, but feeling like I amounted to very little. I really do have a lot going for me: not pregnant, not a teenage mother, not a drug addict, not an alcoholic, college-educated, literate, fed and sheltered, and loved. In no way am I need of "getting my life back on track." But why can't I make myself remember that?! 

I guess it all boils down to this: you can't always be doing great things all the time. Sometimes, all you can do is exist. Live your day-to-day life. Make it through the week. Do your homework. Take care of your kids. Go to work and put up with the people you don't like. Get up in the morning. Eat at least some healthy food. Get in bed and fall asleep at night.

We can't all be digging wells in Africa. We can't all be studying the human brain and finding cures for cancer. We can't all be teaching English to immigrants. We can't all be legislators and ambassadors on the front lines, crusading for freedoms and rights. Most of all, we can't always hold ourselves to the impossible standard of doing big, noteworthy, sparkling, attention-getting things every moment of every day. It's a good thing to strive for, but we've got to stay realistic. Life itself is a big thing. Making lunch for your 4-year-old isn't very sparkly or glamorous, but if you didn't do it, your kid would starve. Keeping your head above the flood that is your schoolwork is not fancy or exciting, but if you blew it all off, you wouldn't get where you want to go. If you didn't have these stretches of time that seem interminable and deadly tedious, you wouldn't appreciate the opportunities that arise for doing great things, things that make life seem worthwhile, things that make you feel alive.

"We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." - Mother Theresa

Preach.