TWoNC, Day 2: Brings Good to Others

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. (31:12)

This verse follows the verse from yesterday, the one about inspiring confidence. This woman strives to bring good, as much good as she can, to the people that she loves. The verse refers to her husband, but for those of us that don't have husbands, I think we can substitute "them" for "him." All of the careful decisions she makes, all of the careful planning she does, and all of the work she does is for the good of the ones she loves. They are always on her mind, their well-being in the forefront of her thoughts. Because she loves them, she protects them from harm. 

And she does this each day, all of the days of her life. 

She can't afford to make bad decisions that might hurt other people, or even herself. God has entrusted her to take care of other people: biological children, non-biological children, a spouse, co-workers, friends, residents, parents, students, patients,  roommates...she brings good, not harm. I think taking care of other people is one of the most honorable things that a person can do with their life. It's a Biblical mandate: whatever you do for the least of these children of mine, you do for me. All of us are the "least" of these in some capacity; Jesus isn't talking about just the starving children of Africa or the poor old people in the nursing home.

Caring for the hungry means feeding the starving children of Grand Rapids as well as the starving children of Africa, encouraging the ones who are desperate for recognition, and ministering to the ones who seek something more substantial than what they've been getting by on.

Caring for the thirsty means providing clean water to those who can't access it, pouring into the ones who then pour into others, and quenching the dry cracked hearts of those who have been away from the Fountain for a long time.

Caring for the stranger means welcoming the unfamiliar face, forgiving the ones who have made themselves strangers to you, and bringing justice to the ones who are far away from home.

Caring for the naked means providing clothing for those who can't afford it, surrounding the vulnerable in love and protection, and sharing the space under the Eagle's wings with those who need shelter.

Caring for the sick means taking care of those who can't take care of themselves, providing a support system for those whose steps are unsure, and bringing the Light to those who need a reason to live. 

Caring for the imprisoned means fighting for those whom society has chosen to forget, climbing into the pit with those who are stuck, and advertising the ultimate Freedom. 

Caring for the least of these means....bringing good. 

Let us pray.

Papa, thank you for taking care of me and demonstrating to me how to take care of others. Help me to see those who need a little bit more good in their lives. Help me to pay attention to Your nudges and to look out for others' needs, not just my own. Strengthen me so that I never ever become weary in doing good. I want You to shine on me, shine in me, and shine out of me. I'm yours. 

Amen. 

The Woman of Noble Character, Day 1

About two weeks ago, a wise friend of mine sent me this text after I told her lonely I felt amid all of the engagement and wedding notices:
"The thing I always remind msyelf is how mad I'll be that I wasted all this time worrying about a man! Either when I do get married, or when I end a successful life single, I'll be irritated that worry took away so much of my life. I do NOT want that regret hanging over my head!"
Well. That is not what I wanted to hear.

At the time.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew, OF COURSE, that she was right. Why worry about something that's not happening for me just because it's happening for someone else? Why am I taking this as confirmation that it's never going to happen for me when I don't know that to be true?

So, born out of all these swirling doubts, a new series: The Woman of Noble Character from Proverbs 31. (Now, I realize that in the Bible it actually says the Wife of Noble Character, but I figure that we are women foremost, and why not strive for noble character before we get married?)

Day 1: She Inspires Confidence

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value. [31:10-11]

Full confidence. He trusts her with everything because he is confident in her abilities and her character. Not only her husband, but everyone in her life has full confidence in her. 

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't inspire full confidence in myself. My irrational emotional side finds it hard to imagine that I inspire confidence in anyone else. My rational logical side knows that that can't be true. Parents trust me with their kids at Bible School, my boss trusts me with the well-being and academic progress of her children, my cooperating teacher trusted me with her 150 students last semester, and my friends trust me with their hearts. But it's the classic battle: my head knows what my heart finds so hard to accept.

But thankfully, God has full confidence in me. He knows what I'm capable of because He created in me everything that I am. He knows where I've been and where I'm going. He knows what holds me back and pushes me through it. He knows who's broken me and who's built me. Best of all, He knows me at my best and at my worst and loves me anyway. 

This is the promise I cling to: "I who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." You know what that means? It doesn't matter if I screw up! God brings the good work out anyway! That means that there isn't anything I can do to destroy God's good work in me. 

My confidence in myself should come from His confidence in me. On some level, I've always known that, but it's taken the last couple of years and some reading of Proverbs 31 to make it sink in a little further. 

Shall we pray?

God...I pray that you would build your confidence in me. Help me to remember that I need to find my confidence in you. Some days it's really hard for me to remember that I'm worth it because the world is doing its best to tear me apart. Please lend me your strength and understanding. Help me to remember who I am: a child you have invested in and poured yourself into. Thank you for who you are and your faithfulness. I love you my abba. 

To All the Single People Out There [for Rachel]

My dear friend Rachel, a fellow single woman, sent me the link to this video today. She must have been tipped off by Someone how much I needed it.
It blew my mind. I watched it three times in a row.
If you, like me, are waiting very impatiently for your future husband or wife, I urge you to listen to this spoken word piece.
If you're waiting for someone who will hold you, hug you, kiss you, take care of you, touch you, support you, miss you, pray for you, value you, respect you, and love you, don't settle. Don't settle. DON'T settle.

DON'T SETTLE. You hear me? Waiting is hard, I know that. But you'll never forgive yourself if you settle for someone who doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. That will hurt so much more than you hurt now, seeing your friends get married and find the fulfillment that you are so desperately searching for.

People can go on and on about how all you need is Jesus, He'll fill the void in your heart, He's the perfect man for you, etc. I believe all that. But I also believe that He's not going to simply fill that void with Himself. That's why I ache the way I do. I was designed to have a companion. Some day, we'll meet each other.

In the meantime...I guess I'm learning patience. Ha. Better than that, though, is this dear friend Rachel. Perhaps the funniest thing to me is that Rachel and I have known each other since middle school, when we started 7th grade at the same school. We weren't good friends, necessarily, but we were certainly friendly. A.P. Calculus definitely bonded us tighter than the strongest duct tape ever could. Other than that, we were always on the periphery of each other's social sphere.

Then we graduated from high school, and even graduated from the same college! Here's a picture of us.

As my impeccable timing would have it, we became close friends about two weeks before she moved to Indiana for grad school. I miss her a lot. We are fellow comrades in singleness. She got me started at Madison Square Church, where I've been attending the last few weeks.

I'm really proud of her, for moving, for starting over, for following her dream of becoming an eye doctor. So very proud. She's a lot braver than I am.

I'm so thankful for you, Rachel. You (and really, your entire family) have been an enormous blessing to me this year. I love you a lot.

I hope you all have someone in your life like Rachel.

Heart Is Where the Home Is

To anyone that has ever had to leave behind a church that they loved, a community that felt like family, or a place where they felt at home.
And especially to anyone who found all of those things in one place.

I know how you feel.

And I'll pray for you.

The Toilet Room Mural

It started with one verse. 

It turns out that this is my roommate Beth's verse of the year. She's focusing on letting the old things fall away and growing in the new things that God reveals to her. 

I didn't know all of that at the time that I designed this mural, so that made it all even more cool. 

As you can maybe see from the bottom-right corner, this is our toilet room. I say 'toilet room' because our bathroom is actually comprised of three rooms: a room with a toilet, a room with a shower, and the room that connects them both with mirrors and sinks and cabinets. It's a great setup. Anyway, the toilet room was quite boring with its blank white walls. 

By the end of the first weekend at school, this is how far I had gotten. The tree was done and the birds were flying out of the branches. But then it sat that way for about two more weeks because I didn't have time to complete it. 

It was a work in progress. 

Then, I finally got some time this weekend to finish the other half: the roots and fish. 

And here it is, the final product. Now we and all of our guests have something to look at when we go to the bathroom. No more yawning blank white space.

I felt this weird tension during the two weeks in which the mural was incomplete. It didn't look bad, by any means. It didn't even look like it was, in fact, incomplete. If you hadn't seen the original sketch, you wouldn't know that there was more to be done. But I knew. Every time I went to the bathroom, I saw that mural and knew that it wasn't finished yet. 

I feel that way with my life too. I am a work in progress. Some days I feel like I'm getting closer to being the person I'm meant to be, while other days I feel like I'm getting farther away. There is a gap between the person I want to be and the person that I am. There is tension in that gap. It is uncomfortable in that gap because I know that, in a perfect world, there would be no gap. One of life's great journeys is to close the gap. Or, rather, to let God close the gap, since I know that I haven't exactly proven capable at it so far. I'm still a work in progress. 

Good thing God is a patient artist.

Imperfections and Intercessory Drawing

Brace yourselves, this post gets weird. 

I have this sketchbook. This sketchbook went to Spain with me and became a scrapbook of sorts. I drew in it on occasion, but much more often, I wrote in it or taped in pictures or knickknacks or mementos to help me remember my time in Spain. In fact, the Spain portion of the book is a pretty accurate portrayal of culture shock and homesickness. 

Whenever I did draw, it was always visual representations of how I was feeling. 

This one is how I felt when I left the U.S.; as if there was a clean hole where my heart should have been.

  

This one came from an entire week of feeling this terrible sense of dread everywhere I went. 

Continually crashing into someone's self-made walls...

This one is perhaps the best visual representation of how I felt during my semester abroad.

So those ones were all from during my time in Spain. I didn't use my sketchbook nearly as often once I got back to the States, probably because I had other outlets available to me. I didn't do any drawing in my book for over a year. Then, about two weeks ago, I started drawing again. It wasn't the raw emotional drawing I had done before; mostly just ideas for the apartment and sketches of designs I'd like to decorate with. 

Then one night, this little guy flowed out through my pencil. 

I can tell you right now that this drawing was born out of several weeks in a row of engagement notices every few days from friends of mine. As happy as I am for them that they have found the person they want to spend their lives with, it serves to remind me that I haven't found that person. That person that is completely right for me. This drawing is of two people holding the "heart" of the other. That's how I feel right now. Like I'm holding onto a piece of someone else and desperately searching for that person who has the piece of me. 

Then, a few nights later, this little gem came out...

Now here's where it gets weird. I've never felt this emotion. Sure, I have a few OCD-like tendencies, but never have I felt compelled to measure the distances between my books and notebooks and pens and the edges of the desk. I've never felt compelled to wash my hands because I couldn't cope with an obsessive thought. I've never experienced the seemingly endless task of arranging one's life perfectly in order to stave off anxiety and a sense of doom. 

But while I was drawing, I did feel all of those things. During the last twenty-four hours, I've been trying to think of a way to describe what exactly went on during the time I was drawing. I can only describe it as intercessory drawing. 

You've heard of intercessory prayer, right? From what I've experienced, intercession happens when a person puts themselves into the place of the person they are praying for and opens him- or herself up to feel the emotions, pain, and struggles that that person is feeling. From that weak place, the intercessor can more adequately pray for the person. I've been learning how to do it ever since a spiritual gifts survey from church told me I had the gift of intercession. 

Anyway, as I was drawing, I unconsciously put myself in the place of the girl I was drawing, with her ruler in hand, trying in vain to align her books and pencils just so, failing miserably, but doing it anyway. I don't think I was drawing for myself. I think I was drawing for someone else. At the end, I wondered if there might be someone for whom this drawing conveyed the emotion inside of her. 

Maybe by me putting this picture up here, you will be affected by it. Maybe you'll see it and think, Yeah, I can identify with that girl, trying to make her life perfect but failing. I know I've tried it. I always think that if I can just control some of the aspects of my life, more and more of it will fall into perfect place. If you've been reading this blog at all, you'll know that my life is never in its perfect place. But where's the need for a perfect God and His perfect love if I've already got a perfect life? 

The imperfect catches the eye not simply because it is not perfect, but because it is determined to prove its worth anyway. There is beauty in imperfection. It is less obvious, but more rewarding. More meaningful. More real. 

If you're struggling today to be perfect, spoiler alert: you can't do it alone. God will make you perfect, but it takes time. His time, not ours. Let the beauty of your imperfections shine anyway. I'll try to do it too. 

God? I'm scared.

[Context: Last night was rough. I typed all of this out some time after midnight because I couldn't fall asleep. It's mostly a prayer, and I wanted to make sure it was still worth publishing once day came. Basically, I just laid in bed and said all the things I was scared about.]

God?
I'm scared that I won't be able to fall asleep tonight.
I'm scared that I'll feel lonely forever.
I'm scared that no one is going to want to marry me.
I'm scared that I won't make enough money to go to grad school.
I'm scared that my capstones are going to bury me.
I'm scared that my closest friends are going to keep getting engaged and eventually I'll be the only one left.
I'm scared that someone really close to me is going to die soon because no one close to me has ever died.
I'm scared that I'm getting really really really really tired again like before.
I'm scared that my depression will never go away.

[Amazingly, after saying all of these things, I felt better. I've never heard God's voice audibly before, but in my mind, a phrase kept repeating: "My grace is sufficient for you. My grace is sufficient for you. Sufficient." And then I think I fell right to sleep because the next thing I remember is hearing my phone alarm song.]

God is good.