Stillness

Over the last several months, I've been finding it difficult to sing in church.

I don't know why this is happening, or even an effective way to describe it. I see the words on the screen, I'm enjoying the music, but when I open my mouth to sing, no sound comes out. My throat tightens and the words get caught.

I had been feeling guilty about this until today. People see me in church and they know I'm a Christian (especially here at the Grounds), but when they see me with my mouth closed and not singing, what do they think? God requests our worship, and most of us equate worship with singing and music. I know I do.

But what if God also requests our silence? What if he asks, "Please, just be quiet, stop making noise. I'd rather have your silence."

The verse that I came across that gave me some comfort about this dilemma comes from 1 Peter 3:4. It's the chapter that talks about how women should behave in the context of their families and in the church. I know there are about a million debates about whether or not this chapter has become outdated as it talks about how women should be silent and submissive to their husbands. But there is one thing that I'm confident will never become outdated; a quality that God values: "Rather, [beauty] should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." I'm going to strive to find that spirit in myself.

I think it's okay that I find myself without a song in my mouth on Sunday morning. The song is still in my heart.